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Bleeding hearts and lovesick slashers: Horror-themed ‘Vile Valentines’


A Valentine’s Day card designed by Dr. Jose of Camera Viscera based on the 1990 flick, ‘Frankenhooker.’
 
Though I hate to admit it, I am, in fact, a grownup. I also happen to know most adults are not in the habit of sending out Valentine’s Day cards, though you would be hard-pressed to believe this was the case after a quick trip down the greeting-card aisle of any local drugstore this time of year. I, however, like to throw a monkey wrench of sorts into events such as Valentine’s Day by breaking the rules and doing something different—and I’m always on the lookout for new ideas. Like the “Vile Valentines” I recently came across while in search of amusing anti-Valentine’s Day inspiration.

Dr. Jose, the curator and owner of website Camera Viscera started making the “Vile Valentines” featured in this post in 2015, and they were quite the hit with horror fans. Dr. Jose’s Valentines feature brightly colored images from classic horror slashers like My Bloody Valentine (1981), and campy horror flicks such as Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988), and 1990’s Frankenhooker. The best thing about Dr. Jose’s cards is they have been provided to all us sick freaks for FREE. All you have to do is click here, or here, select the card you want to print and voilà! You now have your very own Vile Valentine to give to the one you love (or like just a little). I’ve posted images of Dr. Jose’s horrifying messages of love below—some are slightly NSFW.
 

A Valentine based on the 1986 film starring Jeff Goldblum, ‘The Fly.’
 

A Valentine featuring a creepy image of actor Donald Sutherland from the 1978 film ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers.’
 

Actress Mia Farrow on a Valentine homaging the 1968 film ‘Rosemary’s Baby.’
 
More Vile Valentines, after the jump…

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Posted by Cherrybomb
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01.17.2018
10:59 am
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Creepy horror Valentine cards for your best ghoul
02.10.2017
09:54 am
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Here’s some last minute Valentine shopping suggestions for you spooky folk out there, hand-selected for your best ghoul or boo-friend.

All of these creepy cards are available through Etsy. Links are provided below the photos.
 

Lobsterboy “I love you this much” Valentine. $3.92 via Etsy.
 

“The serial killer sweethearts collection.” $12 for set of 5, via Etsy.

 

Horror icon cards. Set of three for $5, via Etsy.
 

Chucky and his bride Valentine card. $3.87, via Etsy.
 

More after the jump…

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Posted by Christopher Bickel
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02.10.2017
09:54 am
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Donald Trump Valentine’s Day cards
02.07.2017
09:14 am
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When I first saw these Donald Trump Valentine’s day cards I found them mildly amusing. After giving them a second look… they only depressed me. Why? Even though I recognize that these sentiments are exaggerated for the yucks value, they’re all based on things Trump has actually said, or worse, done. They’re an accurate reflection of his real policies.

That being said, I probably won’t be giving these Donald Trump Valentine’s day cards out. They give me a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like the man himself.


 

 
More after the jump…

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Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.07.2017
09:14 am
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Inappropriate and just plain WRONG vintage Valentine’s Day cards
02.01.2017
11:46 am
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An image paints a thousand words..or in this case just one…
 
It’s February. Time for the corporations to make some money selling Valentine’s Day cards and heart-shaped candy to lovers, couples, lonely-hearts and creeps for a made-up “holiday.”

Not that I’m cynical about these things. But to be frank, the only card I really want to see on the fourteenth of this month is your credit card so I can max it to the hilt.

Now, I know you’re gonna say Valentine’s Day is fun, Valentine’s Day is romantic, it gives lotsa lonely guys the chance to stalk women they don’t know yet. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is all good. So if you do dig Valentine’s Day then you might appreciate these inappropriate vintage cards which look like the kind of thing nice weirdoes and freaks sent their loved ones in the past.
 
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How did this even get published?
 
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You know this guy’s a serial killer, right?
 
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Cop with a gun card—what could go wrong?
 
More heartbreaking cards, after the jump…

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Posted by Paul Gallagher
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02.01.2017
11:46 am
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Heavy metal heroes Valentine’s Day cards


Glenn Danzig

I realize that I’m blogging about these cards just a week before Valentine’s Day. Perhaps I’m too late to the game on this one, but maybe they can be rushed delivered? Anyway, here they are in all their glory… heavy metal heroes Valentine’s Day cards! For those who, you know, don’t want to get all mushy-gushy on the holiday.

You get nine different metal heroes that come in a set of 27. The set of cards sell for $15.00. Get ‘em here.


 

Wendy O. Williams
 

King Diamond
 
More after the jump…
 

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Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.08.2016
09:25 am
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Heavy metal heroes Valentine’s Day cards
02.13.2015
11:49 am
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I realize I’m blogging about this the day before Valentine’s Day, so it’s probably a little too late to get these puppies and give ‘em out. (Do adults give away multiple Valentine’s cards, anyway? I mean, I haven’t since I was in the 4th grade.)

Even though I’m late to the game with these cards, hey, they’ll work just fine for next year. Molten Metal Merchandise sells these and you get 27 cards total.


 

 

 

 

Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.13.2015
11:49 am
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This Valentine’s Day get your sweetie a New York City cockroach!
02.10.2015
05:17 pm
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A very witty woman once said, “There is no hive vagina,” meaning that my own femaleness does not make me qualified to tell you how to flatter your particular sweetheart . Romance is many things to many people, but for a certain kind of girl—perhaps one that abhors clichés?—a genuine New York City cockroach might just be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift, and the Bronx Zoo has you covered!

What has six legs, a surprisingly high tolerance for radiation, and is bound to crawl into your loved one’s heart?

Back by popular demand, this Valentine’s Day we’re again offering you the opportunity to name one of the Bronx Zoo’s Madagascar hissing cockroaches for your special someone. Don’t miss out. Though this holiday tradition began in 2011, tens of thousands of these hissing cockroaches remain nameless.

With a $10 donation, your Valentine will get a unique certificate of honor featuring the name of your roach.

You’ll also be helping us conserve species big and small, beautiful and damned. With your support, we’ll continue to work for wildlife in the forests of Madagascar and throughout the world’s most majestic wild places.

Sure, you could just make a donation in your darling’s name. Wildlife conservation is certainly honorable on its own merits, but I’m of the opinion that the roach dedication is what makes it romantic. Of course, being Madagascar hissing cockroaches, these lovely insects are imported—and since most New Yorkers are transplants, that only makes them all the more authentically NYC. And the hissing! Have you ever heard such a euphonious bug? These are truly the songbirds of the roach realm!
 

 
Thanks Chelsea G. Summers

Posted by Amber Frost
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02.10.2015
05:17 pm
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Nothing says ‘romance’ like a visit to a sewage treatment plant!
02.13.2014
10:08 am
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Feeling burnt out by Valentine’s Day schmaltz? Looking for a way to romance your beloved without falling prey the general banality of consumer culture?

Well how about a trip to the sewage treatment plant with the The 3rd Annual Valentine’s Day Digester Egg Tour?!? And if you think this is some sort of ill-advised anti-romantic ironic statement, let me assure you, the tour is being offered by the facility itself!

Love is in the Air: The 3rd Annual Valentine’s Day Digester Egg Tour

Join us on Friday, February 14 for an exclusive Valentine’s Day tour of the Digester Eggs at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant. The tour will include an overview of the wastewater treatment process followed by a visit to the observation deck atop the famous Digester Eggs. Guests will be treated to an unobstructed view of the iconic Manhattan skyline and will take home a special giveaway.

Tours begin at 9:30AM, 11:00AM, and 1:00PM. Space is limited so be sure to reserve your spot early. To register, please complete the quick form below.

Sorry, no children under 12 are allowed. Guests under 18 must have a release form signed by a parent or guardian. All guests will be required to sign a release form at the beginning of the tour.

We look forward to seeing you!

A cursory glance at the ole’ intertubes suggests that “wastewater” and “sewage” are interchangeable in this situation. But “wastewater” sounds a bit more high-falutin,’ which is, I assume, the reason for the word choice. All of that attention to euphemistic language is a little absurd when you remember they named the structures “digester eggs,” which is just too literal, if not downright coprophagic in its allusion. But wait! That building is kind of lovely, and who doesn’t love a good piece of American infrastructure? Tell me more:

The Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant is home to eight futuristic stainless steel-clad digesters known as the Digester Eggs. The Digester Eggs play a critical role in wastewater treatment as they process as many as 1.5 million gallons of sludge (the organic material removed from sewage) each day. Located in Brooklyn’s Greenpoint neighborhood, the Newtown Creek facility is the largest of New York City’s 14 treatment plants and has the capacity to treat more than 300 million gallons of wastewater daily.

You know what? I like it. For one, Greenpoint is a lovely neighborhood (if you’re into that sort of thing), so it’s not as if you’ll be dragged off to an industrial lot somewhere—who’s to say you can’t grab dinner afterwards? Two, these are actually really beautiful structures. And I’m sure state-of-the-art water treatment prevents any unwanted odors (otherwise Greenpoint residents would never stop bitching about it). My blessing to you, sewage-couples!
 

 
Via Brokelyn

Posted by Amber Frost
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02.13.2014
10:08 am
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Actual pr0n comments turned into lovely Valentine’s Day cards
02.05.2014
01:12 pm
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For that special someone this Valentine’s Day, might I suggest taking a different approach than your usual, generic Hallmark card and gift them with actual Pornhub comments instead? Nothing says “I love you” like Pornhub Comments on Valentine’s Day. Nothing at all…

They’ll love you for it. Or else they’ll get a restraining order. Whichever comes first…
 

 

 

 

 
Via BuzzFeed

Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.05.2014
01:12 pm
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Glenn Danzig Valentine’s Day cards
02.14.2013
11:52 am
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Nothing says “I love you” like a Glenn Danzig Valentine’s Day card.

Nothing whatsoever…

There are more here and here.
 
image
 
Via Cherrybombed

 

Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.14.2013
11:52 am
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How do I love thee? Let me smoke the ways
02.14.2012
01:11 pm
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image
 
I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. In fact, I kinda despise it, it’s just some dumb made up “holiday” to sell stuff, although if my special someone presented me with a glorious heart-shaped box of weed like one of these, it just might change my mind…
 
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More after the jump…

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Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.14.2012
01:11 pm
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‘Breaking Bad’ Valentine’s Day cards
02.06.2012
02:55 pm
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image

 
Not your traditional Valentine’s Day card… Butthorn, the guy or gal who created these says, “I made Breaking Bad valentines because I couldn’t find any that expressed my love for my friends and the show.”
 
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(via Super Punch)

Posted by Tara McGinley
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02.06.2012
02:55 pm
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