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Impotent middle-aged Christian guy doles out sexual advice… for free!
11.05.2013
10:43 am

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Advertorial
Belief
Kooks
Sex

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Ed Hurst


 
This is one of those books that I reckon you can judge by the cover…

This curious little volume is by a fellow named Ed Hurst. It’s a free ebook you can acquire—should you want a copy—via the author. Hurst is a prolific self-published writer. His other titles include The Mind of Christ, The Chronicles of Misty, The Laptop Oracles,  A Course in Biblical Mysticism and Mystical Tales of Romance. He’s written 22—that’s right, 22—books in the past couple of years. On his website, Hurst declares “I am called to prophesy against Western Civilization as a whole, because it is fundamentally hostile to God’s revelation.”

Just so you know where he stands, K?

After telling the reader how he’s been faithfully married to his wife since 1978, Hurst gets… personal:

“I can claim a history of total fidelity, but you’ll have to decide for yourself how true that might be. Further, I am at the age and level of exposure to environmental pharmaceuticals that my libido is about gone. It still works somewhat with my wife only because of the vast ocean of trust she has earned. Otherwise, the wiring between my testosterone and my sense of taste in flesh is largely burned out. Not much of anything or anyone turns me on, so to speak.”

Why does Hurst inflict this information upon us? He explains:

“This helps to establish me as an objective observer. All I hope to gain is an opportunity for people to peel away the layers of social mythology and find peace.”

Ah ha! So when it comes to dispensing sexual advice, impotence = objectivity? Apparently in the parallel universe that Mr. Hurst resides in this is the case. He’s clearly not interested in bringing sexy back…

Hurst blames church leaders and feminism for the decline in Christian marriages. Specifically he blames the church leaders for feminism.

“What most preachers assume is good moral values still leaves the door wide open for feminine domination in the home and all the attendant problems that come with it. What part of “be submissive” in God’s Word do we not understand?”

According to Hurst, this feminism shit, why, it’s anti-Christian…

“Men tend to be a little lazy, particularly about enforcing moral boundaries. It requires a bit of indirect prompting, but direct nagging is a guarantee of failure. He is wired to bristle and resist. Rather, she has to devote herself to strengthening him according to his nature. A conspicuous devotion that others can see will provoke him to genuine heroism as much as anything can. Treat him like a hero until he feels the vibes and acts accordingly; a woman has no power to remake her man’s nature. He naturally gets angry if his woman embarrasses him in front of others.”

You hear that ladies, make your man feel like a hero.

Here’s Hurst’s (free) advice for the menfolk:

“Guys: Know your mission first. You simply have no business messing with women until you know who you are and what you must do with your life. That means delaying your start when gals your age are raring to go. Don’t be ashamed to come back when you’re ready and “rob the cradle,” but realize it is highly risky most of all because ten years is forever when it comes to cultural trends in the West. She’ll be quite foreign to you unless she’s partly retro. The biggest mistake you’ll make is allowing your hormones to run you off a cliff. Is she hot? Close your eyes and get a hold of yourself. Her beauty doesn’t mean a thing, except that she’ll probably be very hard to get, in one sense or another. The last thing you want to do is advertise your willingness to be a slave by staring like every other drooling loser.”

So says the guy who introduced himself to his readers by telling them that his dick is dead…

Via Matthew Paul Turner’s blog

Posted by Richard Metzger | Discussion
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‘Last Year at Marienbad’: Vintage 1960s cigarette ad pays homage to avant garde art house classic
03.11.2013
07:00 am

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Advertorial
Movies

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Last Year at Marienbad


 
In the early 1960s,  advertising probably really didn’t get any more avant garde than this homage of Alain Resnais’ “mysterious” (some might say “confusing,” others “pompous”) Last Year at Marienbad, perhaps the ultimate incomprehensible “foreign film.”

Around the time of its 1961 release, Marienbad was much parodied. This seems more sincere than a lampooning, though.
 

 
Thank you kindly, Steven Otero!

Posted by Richard Metzger | Discussion
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Glenn Beck is selling his own line of very nationalistic blue jeans

Glenn Beck's jeans
These are the jeans. The Glenn Beck Jeans.
 
Glenn Beck has launched his own brand of jeans, 1791 Denim. They only went on the market 2 days ago, but they’ve already sold out despite the $130 price tag. I’d go into more detail about the ideology of Glenn Beck’s blue jeans, but the commercial really speaks for itself.

If you’re perceptive to the subtlest of thematic symbolism, you’ll notice it has it all: nationalist imagery, nostalgia for some mythic time period when people and things were apparently better because of work ethic or some bullshit, a noble, industrious white dude, and the romanticization of really arduous labor! The spot even demonstrates the classic hypocritical boner for “American-made” products, while Beck himself still promotes a free market that favors outsourcing on his radio show. 

The final line asserts that in America, you may not get the chance to succeed, but by gum, you have the chance to try, dammit! And in the end, the guy builds a giant phallic symbol that beats the Russians to the moon! USA! USA! USA!
 

Posted by Amber Frost | Discussion
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Charles Bronson’s sexy world of body odor


 
It’s likely some of you have already seen this. But even after being on YouTube for six years, I managed to miss it. I saw the 1970s Mandom commercial featuring Charles Bronson for the first time the other night at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin. It was part of a reel of short subjects the theater screens in lieu of the kind of gag-inducing “real” ads shown in most movie theaters. Watching a vintage Japanese commercial in which Bronson slathers himself with deodorant while making sexy talk is lighyears better than one of those shitty Fandango ads.

The doorman is played by the wonderful character actor Percy Helton.
 

 
Enjoy the Mandom theme song (“Lovers Of The World”) by Jerry Wallace after the jump…

Posted by Marc Campbell | Discussion
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Vintage commercial that rocks: Garage band The Shags shilling for Peoria department store
08.29.2012
01:30 am

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Advertorial
Music

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Bergners
The Shags


 
Peoria, Illinois’ The Shags perform a jingle extolling all the wonderful shopping options at local department store Bergners.

Damn, I would have definitely met you dudes at Bergners for some of those groovy Sixties fashions and hip Peoria chicks.
 

Posted by Marc Campbell | Discussion
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Men’s cologne that smells like New York City
06.22.2012
05:25 pm

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Advertorial

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New York City cologne


 
I remember the New York City garbage strike of 1981. It lasted 17 miserable days and gave the sweltering summer air of Manhattan the bilious aroma of the steam room at Plato’s Retreat. You’d step into the street and your stomach would clench as tightly as an altar boy’s bunghole at the sound of a Priest’s footsteps.
 

 
When I returned to New York a couple of years ago, the place certainly smelled better than it used to, but there was still a hint of piss in the air, with some notes of decayed rat and subway fumes. Not exactly what you’d call appealingly aromatic - more like something concocted in the perfumeries of Hell.

Men’s Direct, purveyors of “luxury grooming products,” has their own take on what NYC smells like and I salute them for having highly discriminating snouts. Their olfactory nerves interpret Manhattan’s scent as…

[...] a lovely sunny day in the Big Apple City. The air is filled with the scents of lilac and rose from the vast and majestic Central Park. You are walking along Times Square under the mild and fresh breeze from New York harbor. Enjoy this modern, crisp and invigorating fragrance with sparkling and sourish notes of apple.

Top: Green and crispy apple
Heart: Juicy apple, Lotus flower, Jasmine, Lilac, Rose petal
Base: Caramelized apple, White musk, Vanilla, Caramel”

Is the product called “The Scent Of Departure” because people around you will get up and leave once they get a whiff of it?

Posted by Marc Campbell | Discussion
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Strangely trippy 1970s animated commercial for Levi’s Jeans
12.08.2011
11:55 pm

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Advertorial
Fashion
Television

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1970s
Commercial
Levis

levi
 
In the 1960s and 70s, Levi’s promoted their products with a series of offbeat commercials, many of which had a lysergic spin.

In this ad, psychedelia meets film noir when a stranger in a pair of trippy polyester jeans comes to town.

Ken Nordine narrates.
 

 

Previously on DM: Trippy TV commercials

Posted by Marc Campbell | Discussion
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Yodeling cat in a stocking cap will freak your ass out
12.08.2011
01:26 pm

Topics:
Advertorial
Television

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Yodeling cat

yodel
 
A commercial to haunt your dreams.

As if Walmart wasn’t scary enough.

This will be debuting on TV soon. Warn the children.
 

 
Via Copyranter

Posted by Marc Campbell | Discussion
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Teenybopper goes down on a ‘Superstar’
12.05.2011
01:48 pm

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Advertorial
Music
Television

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Peters
Superstar ice cream

PETERS
Peters on wheels. Phallic-shaped trucks deliver creamy treats to the eager masses.
 
This Australian commercial for an ice cream bar foregos subtext and heads right for the center of the peach-fuzzed meatpit of mortal delight, leaving this viewer with a slightly queasy feeling. The thrust of the thing is given an added bit of explicit creepiness when you consider that the Superstar bar is made by a company named “Peters.”

“You got to bite off the big strawberry points to get to the creamy vanilla center.”

Grab yourself a Superstar.
 

Posted by Marc Campbell | Discussion
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Morrissey sells out: Smiths’ track covered for Christmas advert

image
 
Morrissey has allowed high-street department store, John Lewis to use a cover version of “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want” on the chain’s £6 million Christmas advertising campaign. The track has been covered by Slow Moving Millie (aka Amelia Warner, ex-wife of Colin Farrell, apparently), which follows on from last year’s take of Elton John’s “Your Song” recorded by Ellie Goulding.

According to the Daily Telegraph Morrissey is “delighted” that the chain was using the track. Craig Inglis, John Lewis’s marketing director, is quoted as saying:

“We know our audience holds The Smiths and bands from that era in high esteem.”

“It’s a magical feeling when you find that perfect present for someone; there’s a great sense of anticipation from the moment you buy it to the moment you give the gift on the big day.

“That feeling is exactly what we’ve tried to capture with this year’s Christmas campaign.”

Ruth Paterson, head of marketing at Rough Trade, the record label which released most of The Smiths’ work, said she was entertained by the collaboration.

“I do like the idea of a really good song by a really good band being played in Middle England’s living rooms,” she told The Times.

“I’m sure that wasn’t the song’s intended purpose, but I think that’s a good thing.”

As Morrissey edges towards a pensionable age, the “substantial pecuniary boost” this ad will bring will no doubt be greatly appreciated - though perhaps not by his fans, as if that will matter.

After Morrissey and Christmas, who’s next? And what other advert involving high street business and alleged hip musician would make for the most unlikely pairing? Suggestions, please.
 

 

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
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