Ernest Hemingway’s burger recipe is the manliest thing you can do with a cow except beat it up
01.09.2014
11:40 am

Topics:
Food
Literature

Tags:
recipe
Hemingway

Hemingway
That’s a lot of butch in one photo

My favorite Hemingway anecdotes always revolve around him being absurdly macho—like when he mocked F. Scott Fitzgerald for his monogamy, or when, in an attempt to prevent sharks from eating the tuna he had just caught, he opened fire with a Thompson submachine-gun directly into the water. This, of course, was pretty counterproductive, since it only produced more blood, attracting more sharks and exacerbating the feeding frenzy.

It only makes sense that Hemingway would tire of shooting fish at some point, and settle himself down for a nice, slow-moving animal like a cow, and it turns out that he had very interesting (and totally delicious-sounding) specifications for his burgers. Below is his recipe for an ultra-manly, super-robust burger. Apparently, Mei Yen Powder is no longer on the market, but you can approximate the rich, umami flavor with nine parts salt, nine parts sugar and two parts MSG. For 1 teaspoon of Mei Yen Powder, use 2/3 of a teaspoon of the mix, plus 1/3 of a teaspoon of soy sauce. (And don’t believe the hype about MSG—it’s harmless and delicious.)

Ingredients–

1 lb. ground lean beef

2 cloves, minced garlic

2 little green onions, finely chopped

1 heaping teaspoon, India relish

2 tablespoons, capers

1 heaping teaspoon, Spice Islands sage

Spice Islands Beau Monde Seasoning — 1/2 teaspoon

Spice Islands Mei Yen Powder — 1/2 teaspoon

1 egg, beaten in a cup with a fork

About 1/3 cup dry red or white wine

1 tablespoon cooking oil

What to do–

Break up the meat with a fork and scatter the garlic, onion and dry seasonings over it, then mix them into the meat with a fork or your fingers. Let the bowl of meat sit out of the icebox for ten or fifteen minutes while you set the table and make the salad. Add the relish, capers, everything else including wine and let the meat sit, quietly marinating, for another ten minutes if possible. Now make your fat, juicy patties with your hands. The patties should be an inch thick, and soft in texture but not runny. Have the oil in your frying pan hot but not smoking when you drop in the patties and then turn the heat down and fry the burgers about four minutes. Take the pan off the burner and turn the heat high again. Flip the burgers over, put the pan back on the hot fire, then after one minute, turn the heat down again and cook another three minutes. Both sides of the burgers should be crispy brown and the middle pink and juicy.

That is one hell of a specific hamburger is it not???
 
Via Open Culture

Posted by Amber Frost | Discussion
Louis Armstrong’s ham hocks and red beans recipe: ‘It is my birth mark’
01.03.2014
12:39 pm

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Food
Music

Tags:
Louis Armstrong

Louis Armstrong hosts a big dinner
 
Let’s face it—we’re still in the holiday season, and what with all the snow much of the country has been getting, it’s okay if you want something utterly yummy to stick inside your belly. Exercising doesn’t start on New Year’s, it starts right after Super Bowl Sunday ... everybody knows that.

So I feel entitled to pass on a delicious recipe for ham hocks and red beans that comes from the unmatchable creative mind of Louis Armstrong. The legendary jazz trumpeter used to sign off his letters, “Red Beans And Ricely Yours, Louis Armstrong,” and he talked about red beans a lot in his autobiography, Satchmo: My Life in New Orleans. For instance:
 

They used to laugh like mad when I first began to practice my cornet. Then as the days went on they began to listen and to make little comments, the way kids will. Then we began to understand one another. They were growing rapidly, and the more they grew the more they ate. I soon learned what a capacity they had, and I learned to take precautions. Whenever I cooked a big pot of beans and rice and ham hocks they would manage to eat up most of it before I could get to the table. Willie could make a plate full of food vanish faster than anyone I ever saw. (p. 55)

 
Or this:
 

I thought her Creole gumbo was the finest in the world. Her cabbage and rice was marvelous. As for red beans and rice, well, I don’t have to say anything about that. It is my birth mark. (p. 85, emphasis mine)


 
As Satchmo said, “No need to make folks think I like fancy foods like quail on toast, chicken and hot biscuits, or steak smothered in mushrooms. Of course they taste good and I can eat them, but have you ever tried ham hocks and red beans?” Exactly right. And here’s the recipe the way he liked it:
 

Louis Armstrong’s Ham Hocks and Red Beans

Serves 6.

1 pound dried red beans water
1 pound ham hock
1 bay leaf
1 pod red pepper
Salt and pepper to taste
1 onion, diced
1 pod garlic, minced

Wash beans and soak two to three hours or overnight if preferred.

When ready to cook, drain off water and put beans in large pot with two quarts cold water. Let water heat thoroughly, then add ham hocks, herbs, onion and garlic. Cook slowly but steadily at least two hours or until tender enough to mash easily.

When done, place in a dish and lay ham hocks on top. May be served with rice.

 
I propose serving it for your Super Bowl gathering, or barring that, then for the “Big Game.” Doesn’t it look good?
 
Ham hocks and red beans
 
Ham hocks and red beans
 
Source: Freda DeKnight, A Date with a Dish, a Cookbook of American Negro Recipes. New York: Hermitage Press, 1948. Forgive the title, it’s a very old book. Freda DeKnight died in 1963 at the young age of fifty-three. She was the cooking columnist for Ebony and her books are still in print.

Posted by Martin Schneider | Discussion
OK Soda: Coca-Cola’s embarrassing attempt at courting Generation X
12.23.2013
06:15 am

Topics:
Food

Tags:
OK Soda

OK soda
 
I occupy a weird space, generationally. I’m an older “millennial,” but my mom was young when she had me, making her a “Generation Xer.” So while most of my friends grew up with properly established adult boomers for parents, I had the younger “cool mom.” I had the mom who had Nirvana’s “Nevermind” on cassette, and this was largely positive for me. She never experienced parenthood as a break with popular culture the way a lot of older parents did, and to this day she remains very open-minded about music, art, and literature.

So when I learn about stuff like OK Soda, Coca-Cola’s desperate attempt to court the youth market, I have to wonder… how stupid did they think she was? I mean, as a parent, she might have been more “adult” than your average Gen Xer, but did they really think the tagline, “Things are going to be OK” would relate to the disaffected young masses? As if the flannel-wearing youths would watch these commercials and think, “Yes. This is a soda that isn’t trying too hard with its Charles Burns-designed cans. This is the soda of choice for Ethan Hawke’s character in Reality Bites. This soda speaks to me.”

OK Soda had its trial run in a few test markets from 1993 to 1995—it was a total flop. But while we’re left with only a few remaining cans on eBay and this absurdly transparent marketing campaign (commercials in the video below), these ads are such a perfect moment in 90s pop culture. At a time when Vogue was doing high-end grunge fashion spreads, OK Soda was doing the exact same thing—trying too hard to look like you’re not trying too hard.
 

Posted by Amber Frost | Discussion
‘Cinnamon and Lesbians’: New soft serve ice cream flavor named after Stephen Malkmus ditty
12.20.2013
08:49 am

Topics:
Food
Music

Tags:
Stephen Malkmus
David Chang

Soft serve ice cream
 
David Chang, the culinary mastermind who created the Momofuku restaurant empire and elevated the stature of porkbelly buns in the hierarchy of tasty treats, has long been known as a Pavement junkie. He once named “Summer Babe” off of Slanted and Enchanted as his “ultimate side one, track one” (far be it for me to disagree!) and slotted Wowee Zowee in his top five Desert Island Discs (I’d go with Slanted, myself). When Pavement reunited in 2010, Chang flew down to Melbourne, Australia, so great was his excitement—he just couldn’t wait the extra six months it would take for the legendary indie-rock quintet to make it to New York City.
 
Cinnamon and Lesbians
 
So it’s only understandable to realize that Chang is probably royally geeking out this week, thanks to the announcement a couple of days ago that one branch of his Momofuku Milk Bar (not sure which) will be unveiling a special Stephen Malkmus soft serve ice cream flavor in the new year (January 7, to be exact) to coincide with the release of a new Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks long-player called Wig Out at Jagbags. The flavor is called “Cinnamon and Lesbians,” after the album’s 11th track—for which there is a video! (See below.) It will not be a permanent addition to the menu.

Adding to the general artistic firepower involved in this soft-serve concoction, the flyer above was designed by Gary Panter, a comix artist who created a terrific book called Jimbo’s Inferno, which featured his signature character Jimbo, whom many knowledgeable people regard as perhaps the inspiration for a character named Bart Simpson. He also worked on Pee-wee’s Playhouse and did The Screamers’ logo.
 
Wig Out at Jagbags
 
Here’s the video for “Cinnamon and Lesbians.” It’s highly reminiscent of the Pavement videos of yore, which is definitely a good thing, and feels like an absurdist version of a Portlandia episode—it’s hard to dislike any song in which the singer admits, “I’ve been tripping my face off since breakfast!”
 

 
via Brooklyn Vegan

Posted by Martin Schneider | Discussion
Get your holiday started early with Lemmy’s recipe for ‘Krakatoa Surprise’
12.17.2013
09:14 am

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Amusing
Food
Music

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Lemmy Kilmister


 
Just in time for the holidays, a recipe for “Krakatoa Surprise,” a disgusting delicacy created by none other than Lemmy. The recipe comes from the book Mosh Potatoes: Recipes, Anecdotes, and Mayhem from the Heavyweights of Heavy Metal.


Krakatoa Surprise

¼ pound flour
½ pound chocolate syrup
¼ pound refried beans
½ pound curry powder
1 bottle strawberry syrup
¼ bottle brandy

Mix flour, syrup, beans and curry powder into a model of Krakatoa Island. Pour strawberry syrup over it to simulate lava. Pour brandy over all. Strike a match. Eat while still burning.

Below, an image of Lemmy’s Krakatoa Surprise via BaraMetal:


 
With thanks to Cherry Bombed!

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
They didn’t think this one through (or did they?): Phallic milk chocolate Santa Claus
12.10.2013
10:08 am

Topics:
Amusing
Food

Tags:
Santa Claus


 
It looks innocent enough until, you know, unwrap the aluminum foil covering.

I have to ask myself though, “Was this done on purpose?” I mean, Santa’s belt buckle does read “ANL Choco” and it also says “Surprise Toys” on the side of it.

I can’t find this anywhere online. If any of you fine readers know where to purchase one, I’ll link to it. Besides, I’m super curious about this er, special Santa Claus. 

With thanks to Kip Silverman!

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
The foodies have invaded our fetishes with pretentious sexual cookbooks
12.06.2013
02:44 pm

Topics:
Food
Sex

Tags:
food
semen
cookbook

cookbook
 
I spent a decent amount of time trying to debunk both Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes and Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook as satire, but to no avail. The author appears to be totally earnest, as you can see in this Reddit AMA, which contains the somewhat unexpected line, “My shift at the hospital is starting and I need to get to work.”.

But I’m still finding the whole thing difficult to swallow (come on, I had to). It’s not the practice of consuming semen that leaves me skeptical, but the level of pretension being applied to a sexual fetish. Be a freak, of course, but must we put on airs about it?

Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been more gourmand than gourmet, but I just refuse to believe that ejaculate-based cooking is an actual cuisine. It’s more of a past-time, really. And I refuse to acknowledge ejaculate as an ingredient. It’s a garnish, at best! And since the recipes all appear to be pretty classic and relatively straightforward, couldn’t I just buy a regular cookbook and add one more final ingredient? See below for a cocktail demonstration.
 

 

Posted by Amber Frost | Discussion
Christmas Tinner: 3-course meal in a can for gamers
12.06.2013
12:18 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Food
Games

Tags:
Gamers
Christmas Tinner


 
The Daily Mail (natch) is reporting this 3-course meal in a can for gamers—by artist Chris Godfrey—as a new (and real) thing. I, however, have the sneaking suspicion that this is just a clever viral hoax as there’s nowhere to actually buy this 9-layered vomit feast online. You know the drill: You can’t give someone money for something? It probably doesn’t exist.

According to the Daily Mail (don’t hate):

The Christmas Tinner has been trialled in the Basingstoke store, and the firm said it plans to sell it in stores across the country if there is enough demand.

Research from Domino’s Pizza recently found that gamers will do anything in order to carrying on playing.

Almost half of male gamers admitted they have turned down sex to continue playing, while a fifth of female gamers said they’d missed weddings and hen dos.

If this is believed to be true, then it’s the perfect stocking stuffer for that certain special immobile couch potato gamer in you life.

BTW, we’ve blogged about Godfrey’s puketastic 12-course meal in a can earlier this year.
 

 
Via Nerdcore

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 13 recipes for turkey leftovers (probably penned while quite drunk)
12.04.2013
03:38 pm

Topics:
Food

Tags:
food
F. Scott Fitzgerald
turkey
Thanksgiving

 F. Scott Fitzgerald
F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald do not care for the quiet domestic life.
 
Ah, F. Scott Fitzgerald, the patron Saint of Jazz Age hedonism! I never really related to Scott and Zelda’s impulse to infiltrate high society, but man do I love their derision of mundane domesticity; I’m the sort of girl who requires hard liquor to muster up the motivation to do dishes, and one of my greatest lazy dreams is to own one of those robots that cleans the floor for you. Below is an excerpt from one of Fitzgerald’s posthumously published notebooks, an absurdist take on a Good Housekeeping article.

Martha Stewart, he was not.

TURKEY REMAINS AND HOW TO INTER THEM WITH NUMEROUS SCARCE RECIPES

At this post holiday season, the refrigerators of the nation are overstuffed with large masses of turkey, the sight of which is calculated to give an adult an attack of dizziness. It seems, therefore, an appropriate time to give the owners the benefit of my experience as an old gourmet, in using this surplus material. Some of the recipes have been in my family for generations. (This usually occurs when rigor mortis sets in.) They were collected over years, from old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golf-bags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven—there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact.

Very well then. Here goes:

1) Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

2) Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

3) Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

4) Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

5) Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

6) Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

7) Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

8) Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.

9) Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)

10) Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)

11) Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.

12) Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.

13) For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

There I guess that’s enough turkey talk. I hope I’ll never see or hear of another until—well, until next year.

 
Via Lists of Note

Posted by Amber Frost | Discussion
‘Hot Dogs on the Rocks’: Grody Rolling Stones recipe from 1967
12.02.2013
08:55 am

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Amusing
Food
Music

Tags:
Hot Dog
Rollings Stones


 
Nope! Nope! Nope!

According to the print at the top, “Mick Jagger invented the potatoes and franks; Charlie Watts added the beans.”

Damn you, Charlie!

This appetizing recipe is from the book Singers & Swingers in the Kitchen: The Scene-Makers Cook Book. Dozens of Nutty, Turned -on, Easy-to-prepare Recipes from the Grooviest Gourmets Happening (1967).

10 frankfurters
5 potatoes, or enough instant mashed potatoes to serve five
1 large can baked beans

Prepare instant mashed potatoes, or boil and mash the potatoes. (Use milk and butter, making regular, every-day mashed potatoes.) Cook the frankfurters according to the package directions and heat the baked beans.

On each plate, serve a mound of creamy mashed potatoes ringed by heated canned baked beans. Over all the top of this, slice up the frankfurters in good-sized chunks.

Here’s what the finished recipe looks like (ack!) via Dinner is Served:


 
Previously on Dangerous Minds:

David Lynch’s quinoa recipe video is as Lynchian as it gets!
 
h/t Kottke

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
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