It looks innocent enough until, you know, unwrap the aluminum foil covering.

I have to ask myself though, “Was this done on purpose?” I mean, Santa’s belt buckle does read “ANL Choco” and it also says “Surprise Toys” on the side of it.

I can’t find this anywhere online. If any of you fine readers know where to purchase one, I’ll link to it. Besides, I’m super curious about this er, special Santa Claus. 

With thanks to Kip Silverman!

 
I spent a decent amount of time trying to debunk both Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes and Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook as satire, but to no avail. The author appears to be totally earnest, as you can see in this Reddit AMA, which contains the somewhat unexpected line, “My shift at the hospital is starting and I need to get to work.”.

But I’m still finding the whole thing difficult to swallow (come on, I had to). It’s not the practice of consuming semen that leaves me skeptical, but the level of pretension being applied to a sexual fetish. Be a freak, of course, but must we put on airs about it?

Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been more gourmand than gourmet, but I just refuse to believe that ejaculate-based cooking is an actual cuisine. It’s more of a past-time, really. And I refuse to acknowledge ejaculate as an ingredient. It’s a garnish, at best! And since the recipes all appear to be pretty classic and relatively straightforward, couldn’t I just buy a regular cookbook and add one more final ingredient? See below for a cocktail demonstration.
 

 
The Daily Mail (natch) is reporting this 3-course meal in a can for gamers—by artist Chris Godfrey—as a new (and real) thing. I, however, have the sneaking suspicion that this is just a clever viral hoax as there’s nowhere to actually buy this 9-layered vomit feast online. You know the drill: You can’t give someone money for something? It probably doesn’t exist.

According to the Daily Mail (don’t hate):

The Christmas Tinner has been trialled in the Basingstoke store, and the firm said it plans to sell it in stores across the country if there is enough demand.

Research from Domino’s Pizza recently found that gamers will do anything in order to carrying on playing.

Almost half of male gamers admitted they have turned down sex to continue playing, while a fifth of female gamers said they’d missed weddings and hen dos.

If this is believed to be true, then it’s the perfect stocking stuffer for that certain special immobile couch potato gamer in you life.

BTW, we’ve blogged about Godfrey’s puketastic 12-course meal in a can earlier this year.
 

 
Via Nerdcore

F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald do not care for the quiet domestic life.
 
Ah, F. Scott Fitzgerald, the patron Saint of Jazz Age hedonism! I never really related to Scott and Zelda’s impulse to infiltrate high society, but man do I love their derision of mundane domesticity; I’m the sort of girl who requires hard liquor to muster up the motivation to do dishes, and one of my greatest lazy dreams is to own one of those robots that cleans the floor for you. Below is an excerpt from one of Fitzgerald’s posthumously published notebooks, an absurdist take on a Good Housekeeping article.

Martha Stewart, he was not.

TURKEY REMAINS AND HOW TO INTER THEM WITH NUMEROUS SCARCE RECIPES

At this post holiday season, the refrigerators of the nation are overstuffed with large masses of turkey, the sight of which is calculated to give an adult an attack of dizziness. It seems, therefore, an appropriate time to give the owners the benefit of my experience as an old gourmet, in using this surplus material. Some of the recipes have been in my family for generations. (This usually occurs when rigor mortis sets in.) They were collected over years, from old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golf-bags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven—there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact.

Very well then. Here goes:

1) Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

2) Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

3) Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

4) Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

5) Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

6) Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

7) Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

8) Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.

9) Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)

10) Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)

11) Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.

12) Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.

13) For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

There I guess that’s enough turkey talk. I hope I’ll never see or hear of another until—well, until next year.

 
Via Lists of Note

 
Nope! Nope! Nope!

According to the print at the top, “Mick Jagger invented the potatoes and franks; Charlie Watts added the beans.”

Damn you, Charlie!

This appetizing recipe is from the book Singers & Swingers in the Kitchen: The Scene-Makers Cook Book. Dozens of Nutty, Turned -on, Easy-to-prepare Recipes from the Grooviest Gourmets Happening (1967).

10 frankfurters
5 potatoes, or enough instant mashed potatoes to serve five
1 large can baked beans

Prepare instant mashed potatoes, or boil and mash the potatoes. (Use milk and butter, making regular, every-day mashed potatoes.) Cook the frankfurters according to the package directions and heat the baked beans.

On each plate, serve a mound of creamy mashed potatoes ringed by heated canned baked beans. Over all the top of this, slice up the frankfurters in good-sized chunks.

Here’s what the finished recipe looks like (ack!) via Dinner is Served:

 
Previously on Dangerous Minds:

David Lynch’s quinoa recipe video is as Lynchian as it gets!
 
h/t Kottke

 
In 1959—three years before his breakout solo exhibition at Eleanor Ward’s Stable Gallery in New York—Andy Warhol teamed up with a well-known socialite named Suzie Frankfurt to produce a slim satirical cookbook mocking the trendy French cuisine recipe books that were all the rage at the time. It was called Wild Raspberries, named in jest after the Ingmar Bergman movie, Wild Strawberries, that landed on U.S. shores the same year. Frankfurt took care of the text, Warhol did the illustrations, and none other than Julia Warhola—Warhol’s mother—did the lettering. Warhol hired several young men to help with the illustration—some have argued that this cookbook was the genesis of Warhol’s later assembly line method of art production. 
 

Andy Warhol and Suzie Frankfurt, Wild Raspberries
 
Frankfurt appears to have been a pretty interesting woman. She was an interior designer and worked at Young + Rubicam in the 1950s, the same time that Warhol was working as a commercial artist. As her New York Times obituary put it in 2005, “A bohemian hostess, the flame-haired Ms. Frankfurt was known as a creative catalyst as well as a celebrity decorator. The designer Gianni Versace, for example, credited her with introducing him to America when he was largely unknown, not to mention also introducing him to Studio 54.”
 

 

 
More recipes after the jump…..

 
The Quebec-based Le Guide Restos Voir appears to be something like the Zagat guide of Francophone Canada. This year Guide Restos is proud to issue their 18th edition; to celebrate the occasion and to promote the 2014 edition, they have issued a series of sexually suggestive posters in which tasty morsels of food are photographed to resemble certain highly interesting body parts. (The concept is based on a pun involving the idea of “18+.”)

These posters made me smile , which was presumably the idea.
 

 

 

 

 
via ufunk

 
There’s something oddly soothing about this can of Chef Boyardee ravioli being swallowed up by lava still I can’t help wonder how dangerous getting this footage must’ve been?

And why Chef Boyardee ravioli anyway? SpaghettiOs are funnier!

 
Via Nerdcore

 
It’s difficult to understand who the market for this product is—dishes and mugs that the owner will presumably use every single day, with shaming slogans in a bland typewriter font. Their maker is Fishs Eddy, a perfectly reputable purveyor of dishes and glasses and so forth based in New York with a bent for making whimsical and retro tableware—I’ve bought items from them myself. They have a fantastic line of baseball-themed plates, mugs, and glasses as well as this charming skyline-themed stuff.

You can see the dinner plate, side plate, bowl, and coffee mug for yourself on this page. Fishs Eddy calls it “intervention-ware”—I’m calling it “shameware.” The side plate says in big type, “Big mistake.” It seems to come from a slightly different set from the others, which all use stronger and smaller type. The plate has four slogans, one of which is “For the love of god stop eating.” And so forth. Since coffee doesn’t really fit into the dieting paradigm, the mug just tells you you’re being obnoxious.

These products are clearly intended for gag value, as it’s almost impossible to imagine anyone buying this or giving this dinnerware as a present—if so, the purchaser/recipient is probably defining a whole new demographic of ultra-ironic über-hipster, but it’s so “on the nose” that even that crowd wouldn’t like it, no?
 

 

 

 

 

 
As disgusting as this looks, it’s rather clever in its unappetizing appetizer kinda way.

Dan Whalen crafted the ear-shaped bowl, put some pesto sauce in it and then made the “Q-tips” out of balls of mozzarella cheese and lollipop sticks.  I shudder to think what this guy would do with fondue.