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Richard Metzger’s Tell It Like It Is Review of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”
07.14.2009
04:54 pm
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image Well, there is simply no beating around the bush about this one. No mitigating factors. Nope, none. The new Harry Potter film, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” is absolutely fucking terrible. Not a disaster, just a total bore, which is worse. Please don’t shoot the messenger, I sincerely expected to like it, but man oh man does it suck. It’s mind-numbingly bad. The pacing is all wrong. It felt like we were in that theater for about seventeen hours.  My wife hated it even more than I did.

After a fantastically conceived opening sequence (one of the finest I’ve ever seen, brilliantly executed) my first thought for this review was “Harry Potter franchise kicks it up a notch! Or two!” I was fantasizing about my blurby superlatives showing up on movie posters, but… sadly t’was not to be. After the first ten minutes the film quickly dropped off in energy and intelligence. After 30 minutes, the suckiness picked up speed. Much of the script made no sense. Some—like all the villains—characters’ actions seem to have no motivation whatsoever. Aside from one or two action-oriented scenes (the Quidditch matches were remarkable), it was an absolute snoozefest.

Looks great, same great cast, all the right ingredients, I grant you that, but I will say it again: The new Harry Potter movie is godawful.

I know what you’re thinking. Your kids will still love it. Guess again. Your kids will hate it and get restless after 30 minutes. So will you. No one would love it unless the studio was paying them to love it. I don’t think the people who worked on it or acted in it love it. No one would like this movie. It’s shite. The word of mouth will be horrible.

If you read this far and you still plan to see “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”... as you are sitting there watching one of the worst big budget films in recent memory, a total piece of shit, remember this review and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Because I did.

And if you want to know how I really feel…

Posted by Richard Metzger
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07.14.2009
04:54 pm
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JACK HEARTS SAWYER…I MEAN REALLY HEARTS HIM!!
07.14.2009
03:24 pm
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LOST Season 5 might have gone out with its usual bang, but that doesn’t mean the summer ahead can’t still be long and hot.  When you’re done combing through Lostpedia’s The Incident theory page (it’s endless, I know), you might want to dip a toe, or something, into the wacky alt waters of Lost slash (fan) fiction.  A 3-way between Ben, Locke and Richard…sure, why not?  Desmond choosing Sayid over Penny…yeah, I can see that!  What I find fascinating about these HIGHLY detailed reconfigurings, of course, is not the nature of the participants or their transgressions, but how they expose that nagging, near-universal hunger to see our hopes, dreams, fantasies—whatever they may be—projected through the prism of popular culture.  Then again, maybe there’s just a LOT of people out there who wanna see Jack and Sawyer feeding each other mangos!

 

Lost Slash Fiction

Lost Slash Fiction (XXX)

Posted by Bradley Novicoff
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07.14.2009
03:24 pm
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WHAT I DIDN’T LEARN IN KARATE SCHOOL (BUT WISH I DID!)
07.14.2009
07:24 am
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Mr. Metzger and I always giggle about how I once shared a dojo with the original LAND OF THE LOST “Chaka,” Philip Paley.  We very seldom sparred together (he was older, ranked higher) but I think I could have totally Sleestaked his ass using a bit of the old “ST.”

 

Posted by Bradley Novicoff
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07.14.2009
07:24 am
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