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A handy guide to sex in the Middle Ages: The original ‘Just Say No’ campaign
03.27.2015
10:59 am

Topics:
Amusing
History
Sex

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Forget the romance about damsels in distress and knights in shining armor—having sex in Medieval times (that’s the 5th to the 15th century) was definitely a no-no. Well, according to ye olde religious edicts that is.

For example: if it was Sunday, Wednesday, Friday or Saturday then it was a sin to have sex. If it was daylight or you were naked—you weren’t allowed to have sex either. If the wife was menstruating, pregnant or nursing a child—yep, sex was definitely out. As it was during Lent, Advent, Whitsun week, Easter, feast days and fast days. In fact, having sex was only allowed according to the penitentials if you wanted a child and then you could only do it so long as there was no fondling, no lewd kisses, no oral, no strange positions, and even then you could only do it once and you had better not enjoy it.
 
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‘I’m not enjoying this, darling.’ ‘Me neither.’
 
As you can imagine, back in these feudal times finding a place to make out was difficult—accommodation was cramped, often cold and damp and lacked privacy. Out in the fields, or in a hay loft was more suitable, as was inside a church, which as Ruth Mazo Karras notes was:

...safe, dry, and deserted for much of the day, might have been the equivalent of the back seat of a car.

 
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Because of religious belief abstinence had to be observed during the 46 to 62 days of Lent, the four weeks of Advent, and the 40 to 60 days around the Feast of the Pentecost. To help people people find suitable times to have intercourse Penitentials—“books which gave the rules of sex and the penance for breaking them”—were devised by the church. One such book was the Anglo-Saxon Canons of Theodore written around 700AD that included regulations on drunkenness, fornication, theft, perjury, heresy and being twice baptized—o, the horror! Under fornication in chapter two, it contains the following punishments for deviation from the proscribed sex acts:

Whoever fornicates with an effeminate male or with another man or with an animal must fast for 10 years. Elsewhere it says that whoever fornicates with an animal must fast 15 years and sodomites must fast for 7 years….

There was similar rules for pleasuring oneself:

If he defiles himself, he is to abstain from meat for four days. He who desires to fornicate (with) himself and is not able to do so, he must fast for 40 days or 20 days. If he is a boy and does it often, either he is to fast 20 days or one is to whip him….

Women were also threatened with dreadful punishments should they give into the temptation of pleasuring themselves with a homemade, edible or mechanical instrument:

Have you done what certain women are accustomed to do, that is to make some sort of device or implement in the shape of the male member of a size to match your sinful desire? If you have done this, you shall do penance for five years on legitimate holy days.

But there was worse….

Whoever ejaculates seed into the mouth, that is the worst evil. From someone it was judged that they repent this up to the end of their lives.

 
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‘Arms above the bedsheets, please.’
 
It wasn’t just the church who were quick to denounce people doing what comes naturally. Royals, nobles and landowners used their power to influence young lovers. King Phillip IV of France (1268-1314) was known as “Phillip the Fair”—I think we’ll have to think of him fair of skin rather than fair or just. When he discovered some of his favorite knights were having “relations” with his three daughters, he had these men arrested and disemboweled. His daughters were sent off to a nunnery for their sins.

Interestingly, prostitution thrived during the Middle Ages and was generally ignored by the Church, or at worst considered a necessary evil, as scholar and saint, Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) thought:

If prostitution were to be suppressed, careless lusts would overthrow society.

Most towns had a brothel. Prostitutes were recognizable by their dress—a veil and a garment with a bold yellow stripe. Regular customers probably came from the wealthier classes.

This handy little diagram explains the ins and outs (ahem) of what was or was not acceptable—and explains why if you were young, horny and fancied some slap and tickle then you were well and truly screwed.
 
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Via The Medievalists and Oddee.
 

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Leave a comment
‘Silencing Slider’: Cheeseburger ball gag
03.27.2015
08:56 am

Topics:
Amusing
Food
Sex

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This is like the Idiocracy BDSM version of ball gags except these probably don’t have electrolytes in ‘em. ‘Murica, meet the “Silencing Slider” cheeseburger ball gag.


 
Honestly, I can’t think of anything sexier than this. No Thing.

Each “Silencing Slider” is handcrafted in the USA and are made of “soft and non-toxic natural food grade silicone rubber, the gag has no unpleasant plastic smells or odors!”

They’re available for $69 (get it?) at Burger Gag.


 
via Geekologie.

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
‘Tutti Frutti,’ Little Richard’s graphic ode to butt sex?
03.20.2015
07:08 am

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Music
Sex

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Never forget that “Tutti Frutti”—the song grandma danced to, the song you sang at the church picnic, the song that lent its name to a popular chain of frozen yogurt stands—began as a bawdy celebration of butt sex. Little Richard recorded bowdlerized lyrics for his 1955 hit single, and the popularity of the throwaway tune, whose main appeal seemed to reside in the original version’s goofy lyrics about lust and lube, took its author by surprise:

I’d been singing “Tutti Frutti” for years, but it never struck me as a song you’d record. I didn’t go to New Orleans to record no “Tutti Frutti.” Sure, it used to crack the crowds up when I sang it in the clubs, with those risqué lyrics: Tutti Frutti, good booty/If it don’t fit, don’t force it/You can grease it, make it easy…

But I never thought it would be a hit, even with the lyrics cleaned up.

Well, I was at home in Macon when I heard them play it on Randy’s Record Mart, Radio WLAC out of Nashville, Tennessee. The disk jockey Gene Nobles said, “This is the hottest record in the country. This guy Little Richard is taking the record market by storm.” I couldn’t believe it. My old song a hit!

Friends, imagine the kind of world we’d be living in today if Pat Boone had gotten his hands on the original version of “Tutti Frutti.”

The original dirty lyrics, or at least what can be recalled of them, after the jump…

Posted by Oliver Hall | Leave a comment
Scream Queen Linnea Quigley’s ‘Horror Workout’
03.17.2015
07:21 am

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Amusing
Sex

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While she probably remains best known as “Trash,” the naked grave-dancer turned naked punkette zombie in Return of the Living Dead, Linnea Quigley has carved out a long, noteworthy, and still active career in cheap horror films and videos. IMDB lists 135 acting credits, plus over 40 “as herself” appearances. One of the latter was the preposterous 1990 Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, an insane piece of work which simultaneously parodied z-grade slasher flicks and those “workout” videos of the period that were really just blatant cheesecake (remember “20 Minute Workout”?), at the same time as actually BEING a z-grade slasher flick and a workout-as-cheesecake video. I’ll let the IMDB plot summary do the talking for a moment:

After a nice shower, Linnea does some warm-up stretches and then goes for a run. She encounters some flabby zombies who follow her back to the house, where she leads them in some poolside aerobic routines. Later she unwinds by inviting some girlfriends over for a slumber party and some exercise. When something goes bump in the house, her friends begin experiencing an attrition problem.

 
More after the jump… if you dare!

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Sexist nightmares from real casting websites
03.13.2015
08:20 am

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Advertising
Movies
Sex
Television

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Two things that almost any amount of media consumption should teach even the most obtuse viewer: (1) Most everyone on TV and in movies is crazy attractive, and (2) Men get the lion’s share of the good parts. Combine those with a soupçon of ageism and you have instantly created a toxic environment in which only sexy, young women are likely to be cast in any given role.

If TV shows and movies are going to end up that way, some or most of those tendencies have to be made explicit during the creation of the product, and casting is one of the primary places that happens. In our world you can’t just say out loud that a woman’s bra measurement matters more than her acting ability, .... but sometimes casting agents do it anyway!

A new Tumblr called Casting Call Woe has smartly decided to shine a spotlight on this odious side of the entertainment industry. Sometimes the sentences are amusing, like the way they try to put a positive spin on “We’re looking for a hot bimbo to play this professor,” but a couple of them are super creepy.
 

 

 

 
More of these groanworthy examples from real casting websites after the jump…

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
Sextape: Hours and hours of awesome music from ‘70s porn films
03.12.2015
11:45 am

Topics:
Music
Sex

Tags:


 
I’ve blogged before about the French music producer known only as Drixxxe who makes these pretty spectacular mixes of songs from ‘70s softcore porn-y films. Since the last time I wrote about Drixxxe, he’s added two more mixes to the “Sextape” theme. They’re both amazing.

A lot of these don’t have tracklists, but some of songs come from films like Sessomatto, Black Lolita, Aunt Peg, Madame Claude, Emanuelle and the Girls of Madame Claude, Vampyros Lesbos, Sex O’Clock USA, Skin Flicks, Odyssey, Le Sex Shop and Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals and many, many more.

Here they are for your listening pleasure. Enjoy!

Below, Sextape 1:

 
The rest after the jump…
 

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Smutty snuff bottles of the Qing Dynasty
03.12.2015
08:53 am

Topics:
Art
Drugs
Sex

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During the Qing Dynasty (the final imperial Dynasty of China, 1644 to 1912), smoking tobacco was illegal, but the use of snuff was permitted for medicinal purposes. As the habit became pervasive throughout the country and across every class, beautiful little snuff bottles were produced, made from materials like jade, bone, ceramic, glass and ivory. Many of the bottles depicted pastoral scenes or images of nature. Others—like the ones pictured here—were hardcore and would make pervy potter Grayson Perry blush!

If you’re in the market for a tiny antique porn collection from China—or you just want to do bumps from a smutty little snuff bottle—you can find them for around $50 on eBay or Etsy (much cheaper if they’re missing the stopper-spoon). If you’re really looking to drop some serious dough, Sotheby’s and other high-end auctions sell Qing snuff bottles that will run you thousands of dollars. It can be difficult to tell a reproduction from a legitimate Qing, but a little research will help you find the real thing (and for a reasonable price). For instance, many knockoffs are made of light-weight resin, and real Qings are often dated on the base.

There’s something so charming about these itsy-bitsy explicit tableaux—how could you resist?
 

 

 

 
More smutty snuff bottles of imperial China after the jump…

Posted by Amber Frost | Leave a comment
Your sext messages, brought to life by acclaimed indie filmmaker
03.12.2015
06:50 am

Topics:
Amusing
Movies
Sex

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Eileen Yaghoobian, the director of the acclaimed rock poster documentary Died Young Stayed Pretty, has embarked on a project to adapt couples’ sext messages, for a fee, into scripts for short films. She’s established the website sendmeyoursexts.com to reach out to potential “screenwriters” and show off the results.

I’m Eileen, a filmmaker and artist who’s convinced that your dirty messages should be my next script. So I decided to create a service that turns your real sexts into on screen action. Think your phone could inspire a good web series? Ever wanted to be a screenwriter? You already are… but only if you’re brave enough to send me your sexts. It can be anonymous, but it still takes some moxie.

How it works

1. Screen shot some of your sexts. Scroll way back and send me the steamiest, silliest or most shocking ones you can.
2. Upload them here and check out using the form. Just $80 will get you up to 6 minutes of video shot professionally with cast.
3. Watch them come to life. You’ll get an e-mail with a link to the video when it’s ready.

Only $80? That seems a low fee—I can’t imagine that’s even enough to pay the actors.
 

 

 
The videos are audacious and often hilarious. They don’t contain any graphic sex, or even any nudity—how creative would that be anyway?—but some of them are really right on the edge, so I hope I shouldn’t even have to tell you they’re still far from work-safe due to suggestive situations and frank language (and some dry-humping). As Yaghoobian herself said in a recent Vice interview:

Everything is porn now. I don’t think there are enough websites out there that are sexy but not necessarily porn. But then again, I don’t have a problem with someone getting turned on when watching this. And even better, cause [the actors] aren’t naked! There isn’t a close-up macro-dick, or balls or ass or whatever. For me, what turns me on is great sex. For example, in Don’t Look Now, which is one of my favourite films, the sex scene is incredible! Better than any porn movie you’ll ever see. It’s so inspiring. I got the actors to look at that scene over and over again for Dylan and Kacey because it’s the best sex scene ever. And I want to get there.

 

 
More sexts brought to life after the jump…

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Being human: Sexuality, gender and belonging to family in Nan Goldin’s photography (NSFW)
03.06.2015
11:07 am

Topics:
Art
Drugs
Queer
Sex
Unorthodox

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Nan Goldin became obsessed with taking photographs of her friends and classmates at school—she says she became the class photographer. One of her first subjects was her best friend David Armstrong who was into drag. After they graduated from school, Goldin and Armstrong shared an apartment and he introduced her to the world of drag queens. Goldin spent time photographing David and his friends.

After years of experiencing and photographing the struggle of the two genders with their codes and definitions, and their difficulties in relating to each other, it was liberating to meet people who had crossed these gender boundaries.

Most people get scared when they can’t categorize others—by race, by age, and most of all by gender. It takes nerve to walk down the street when you fall between the cracks. Some of my friends shift genders daily from boy to girl and back again.

 
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Misty and Jimmy.
 
Goldin was born in 1953 the youngest of four children to a middle class Jewish family in Washington D.C. Not long after she was born, the family moved to the suburbs of Lexington, Boston. She was a rebellious child and ran away from home, and was eventually fostered by several families during her teens. Goldin has said she was “full of raw energy, creativity and sensuality” and found the fifties and early sixties an oppressive, difficult time. Then she discovered photography. First she took Polaroids, then shot Super 8, before taking regular photographs that she had developed at the local drugstore. Her friends would stack the pictures in piles to see who had the most portraits. Though these pictures were her a kind of diary—documenting her life, her relationships, her sexuality and her friends who became family (“We were the world to each other”)—the photographs were created out of her relationships and not observation.
 
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Actress, writer and friend Cookie Mueller.
 

The work has always been misunderstood as being about a certain milieu of drugs and parties and the underground. And although I’d say that my family is still marginal and we don’t want to be part of normal society, I don’t think the work has been about that, I think the work has been about the condition of being human—the pain, the ability to survive and how difficult that is.

In this beautiful short film, Nan Goldin discusses her life and career, friends, drug addiction and the “other world” she has documented.
 

 
A selection of Nan Goldin’s beautiful photographs, after the jump…

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Leave a comment
When sex was a crime: List of penalties for sodomy, fornication, adultery & cohabitation in the USA
03.03.2015
07:17 am

Topics:
Crime
History
Sex

Tags:

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According to this list of “Penalties for Sex Offenses in the United States” published in 1964 by Harry Hay’s pioneering “homophile” rights group, the Mattachine Society, most of us could have been at best fined or at worst arrested and sent away to prison for a very long time had we simply been doing what we take for granted today.

Take Connecticut for example, where sodomy (or “the crime against nature” as it is described here) brought a sentence of 30 years; or in Kentucky, where you could be given a two-five year sentence; or Maine one-ten years; and 20 years in either Massachusetts or Minnesota. The term “sodomy” included:

...a wide variety of “unnatural” sexual activity, with animals or with another person of either sex, both within and outside marriage.

That’s a fairly broad definition, don’t you think?

Fornication in most states brought a fine of between $20-$500 plus three months to six years jail time, or worse in Alaska where you could be fined $300 or given two years in prison. This might explain why so many Americans marry rather than live together—as opposed to Europe. According to US figures 8.1 million unmarried Americans were cohabiting in 2011, compared to 5.9 million (or 11.7%) of the UK population who cohabited in 2102.

If two years jail time didn’t make you twice about sex before marriage, then being caught committing adultery could cost you a minimum of $10 (Rhode Island) up to $500-$1000 and/or six months to one year (Nevada) or five years (Connecticut) or five years/$1000 fine (Maine).

Add to this, your time in jail and/or fine could be doubled for a second conviction—though penalties for women were less being: “$10 to $30 or 1-3 yrs.”

Thankfully, times have changed, but incredibly sodomy laws were not lifted nationally until this millennium, in 2003.
 
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H/T Flashbak

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Leave a comment
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