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Something Weird Video founder dies: RIP exploitation film guru Mike Vraney
01.03.2014
01:37 pm

Topics:
Movies
R.I.P.
Sex

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Mike Vraney, founder of the underground/exploitation film distro concern Something Weird Video, died yesterday after a long struggle with lung cancer. He is survived by his wife, artist Lisa Petrucci.

Something Weird (warning: boobies) was founded in Seattle in 1990, and has kept thousands of filmed oddities alive and available that almost certainly would have lost were it not for Vraney’s curatorial ministrations. From SW’s about page:

Here on your screen is a whole world of film that just a few short years ago was considered lost or worthless. The industry that produced and distributed these films had long since vanished and there was no sign of the men who actually created these bottom of the barrel celluloid wonders. That is until now.

In 1990 (roughly), we started Something Weird Video with the idea of releasing films that had never been on video. In my mind, the last great genre to be scavenged were the exploitation/sexploitation films of the 30’s through the 70’s. After looking into this further, I realized that there were nearly 2,000 movies out there yet to be discovered. So with this for inspiration, my quest began and wouldn’t you know, just out of the blue I fell into a large collection of 16mm girlie arcade loops (which became the first compilation videos we put together!) Around the same time I received an unexpected phone call that suddenly made all this real - my future and hands-down the king of sexploitation Dave Friedman was on the other end of the line - this would be the beginning of a long and fruitful friendship for both of us. Dave’s films became the building blocks for our film collection and he has taught and guided me through the wonderful world of sexploitation - introducing me to his colleagues (Dan Sonney, Harry Novak, H.G. Lewis, Bob Cresse, and all the other colorful characters who were involved during his heyday) and they’ve been eager to dive into the business again. (And initially, most are shocked that anyone is even interested in this stuff to begin with!)

 
Mike Vraney
 
Anyone—everyone—interested in strange cinema owes Mike Vraney a debt. The video shop that I mentioned in a DM post just yesterday carried so a huge a selection of his wares that they ultimately wound up simply giving him his own Something Weird wall, so much of worth did he preserve. Very little of SW’s stock is work safe—sleaze was the order of the day—but this relatively tame trailer imparts the kitschy, campy, sexy, goofy fun of the films he rescued from oblivion. We salute you and your legacy, Mr. Vraney, and we’re very sorry to lose you.
 

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Christ-teens battle porno demon in the movie of the year!
01.03.2014
11:06 am

Topics:
American-style (Republican) Christianity
Movies
Sex

Tags:

PORNO DEMON!
 
In an amusingly fifteen-years-too-late effort to ride the crest of the Blair Witch wave, Christian “comedian” Rich Praytor has made a found footage style scare movie about a porno magazine unleashing a demon into a church youth group’s overnight lock in. If you’re not familiar with the concept, the film’s press release is happy to help:

During the lock in, members of the youth group are “locked in” the church to have fun, play games, and get to know one another. In spite of the youth pastor’s attempt to intervene, the boys must come to terms with the pornographic images themselves in order to be truly freed from the demon.

Furthermore:

The demon is a metaphor for the true damage pornography can have in the lives of youth. There are never graphic or pornographic images shown in the movie. The producers of the film felt that it was important to tell a Christian story about real issues but to keep the images family friendly so anyone could be entertained without fear of exposure to questionable pictures.

THE DEMON IS A METAPHOR YOU GUYS! And THAT’S how you know this film is going to be smart. In keeping with the pimp-it-like-it’s-1999 theme, the film’s site has an about page that jacks (heh) Blair Witch‘s fake viral angle:

In the spring of 2010, a church lock in at First Baptist Church was organized by Pastor Chris.  In the first hour of the lock in, one of the students, Justin, had an unusual “incident” and was “inconsolable.”

It was reported that he calmed down and kept to himself for the remainder of the event. 

Two days after the lock in, Justin reportedly broke down to his parents that he experienced something “evil” at the lock in.  He also claimed he captured everything on tape.

After watching the footage, the parents met with church leaders to discuss criminal charges they were considering filing against the church for child endangerment, neglect and torture. 

A special hearing was immediately organized to find out what was on the tape. 

Two pastors, six elders and an unknown number of overseers met at an undisclosed location to view the footage of the tape.  It was reported that two of the elders resigned their duties immediately after viewing the footage.

Pastor Chris, after viewing the footage, turned in his immediate resignation to the church board. 

A undisclosed settlement was made between the church and families involved. 

The footage was officially released in May of 2013 in full cooperation with the families and individuals involved.

Holy Moly Pictures would like to thank the families and the First Baptist Church for their cooperation in releasing the footage to the public.

This is starting to seem like a lot more work than is merited just to keep teenaged boys from touching their penises—it merits mentioning that The Bible contains no prohibition against masturbating. Also, a porno magazine? Isn’t that more than a little quaint? Anyone who wants to look at pictures of naked people can do so for free on his or her phone.

Praytor has a more than glancing familiarity with beating (heh) dead-horse tropes. Here he is keenly observing, perhaps in homage to the comedy stylings of the early 1980s, that white people and black people are OMG LIKE TOTALLY DIFFERENT!
 

 
Tell me you laughed once during that.

And so here we see, as we do time and time again, that American Christianity’s great power lies not in spiritual redemption, but in turning every unique and powerful cultural expression it appropriates into a lame and bathetic puddle of insipid goo. These are the people who claim sole possession of the spark of the divine, and yet they can make nothing that doesn’t utterly blow. You’ve waited long enough for the money shot (heh) - here’s the trailer, in all its lookin’-like-it-was-shot-on-VHS glory. Smart money bets that the totally predictable morphing effect at the end ate about 90% of the film’s budget, as it costs very little to get kids to run through hallways and yell a lot.
 

 
You can avoid seeing The Lock In and just go on with what you were already going to be doing anyway starting on January 9th.

Via Film Drunk

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Is Stereolab the best soundtrack for a blow job? Pharrell thinks so!
12.16.2013
01:38 pm

Topics:
Music
Sex

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You may never listen to Stereolab in the same way ever again…

Not a lot to add to this, although it did occur to me that Primal Scream’s “Higher Than The Sun” has a lot of potential in the BJ soundtrack department as well.
 

 
Thank you kindly, Nick Abrahams!

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
InvisibleGirlfriend.com: For all your fake girlfriend needs!
12.08.2013
12:31 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Sex

Tags:

Fake girlfriend
 
It starts with small fudges. It’s 8th grade, one frenemy accuses another of sexual inexperience. Inevitably someone ends up saying, “I met her at camp; she lives in Canada; you wouldn’t know her.”

As it gets more severe, this syndrome—known as “living a lie”—will inevitably result in a grand dinner party in which the bishop ruins everything by bringing in the canapés at precisely the wrong moment. And there you are, holding a cockatoo in the conservatory with your pants around your ankles. I feel like we can all relate.
 
Invisible girlfriend
 
Is inventing a fake girlfriend the new closet? Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o became a national object of ridicule last year (today he plays for the San Diego Chargers) when it was revealed that his recently deceased would-be girlfriend had actually been invented by a scurrilous friend without Te’o's knowledge. Earlier this year Tara introduced DM readers to the art of the fake girlfriend selfie.

By Valentine’s Day 2014, the startup InvisibleGirlfriend.com will, purportedly, supply users with concocted evidence of the made-up significant other in their lives. The packages come in three tiers—“Just Talking,” “Getting Serious,” and “Almost Engaged” (!)—and to read the list of offered services is to imagine any number of Three’s Company or Frasier plots come to life: “interactive SMS Texts,” “Facebook Relationship on Profile,” “Real Voicemails,” “Custom Girlfriend Characterization,” “Premium Gifts Available.”
 
Invisible girlfriend pricing
 
InvisibleGirlfriend.com is the depressing brainchild of Matt Homann, who for understandable reasons has chosen to present the deceitful service as a means to a fulfilled and honest mode of existence: “Once you’ve met your Invisible Girlfriend, you can get back to living your life on your own terms, and not on others’.” Um, right.

At what point does a prospective client of InvisibleGirlfriend.com, in perusing the price categories, stop and say, “My problems go deeper than this”?
 

 
via Lost in E Minor

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
The foodies have invaded our fetishes with pretentious sexual cookbooks
12.06.2013
05:44 pm

Topics:
Food
Sex

Tags:

cookbook
 
I spent a decent amount of time trying to debunk both Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes and Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook as satire, but to no avail. The author appears to be totally earnest, as you can see in this Reddit AMA, which contains the somewhat unexpected line, “My shift at the hospital is starting and I need to get to work.”.

But I’m still finding the whole thing difficult to swallow (come on, I had to). It’s not the practice of consuming semen that leaves me skeptical, but the level of pretension being applied to a sexual fetish. Be a freak, of course, but must we put on airs about it?

Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been more gourmand than gourmet, but I just refuse to believe that ejaculate-based cooking is an actual cuisine. It’s more of a past-time, really. And I refuse to acknowledge ejaculate as an ingredient. It’s a garnish, at best! And since the recipes all appear to be pretty classic and relatively straightforward, couldn’t I just buy a regular cookbook and add one more final ingredient? See below for a cocktail demonstration.
 

 

Posted by Amber Frost | Leave a comment
Buy an artificial hymen and convince your man he’s the first one to go there
12.04.2013
01:20 pm

Topics:
Sex
The wrong side of history

Tags:

Artificial hymen
 
This website has the one of the most memorable sales pitches I have seen in quite some time:
 

Restore your virginity in five minutes with this new technologically advanced product. Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence for only $29.95.

 
I don’t think any product captures the ongoing global conflict between the forces of progress and the forces of conservative darkness quite as vividly as the artificial hymen does. This website dispenses with the American Beauty rose petals and starts off with an explicit reference to the situation of women living in Muslim countries, for whom a non-virgin status can have dire consequences. As mirthful as the idea will seem to the average enlightened westerner, the following bullet points make the stakes uncomfortably plain:
 

I want to marry in confidence, keep my secret, can you help? OK!!!
I want no needles, no costly medical operation, can you help? OK!!!
I am a poor girl, I do not have much money, can you help? OK!!!
I am scared, I cannot let anybody know I buy a hymen, can you help? OK!!!

 
The artificial hymen is a lifeline for impoverished females who are trapped in a situation that only proof of virginity will remedy. It is a defense intended to aid the helpless in the face of the powerful forces of darkness. This is not rhetoric; this is a simple fact. In a world in which sexuality is damned and demonized, an artificial hymen is sometimes the only way. The whole concept makes me sad.

The Wikipedia article on the subject alludes to calls by conservatives in Egypt to ban the product, and also has this peculiar sentence: “Further controversy stems from the product’s adherence to centuries-old misunderstandings of virginity. The medical community has established that not all women are born with a hymen, and those who are do not necessarily bleed from intercourse.” Um, okay—what? The idea isn’t to fool “the medical community,” right? The idea is to fool one specific man, one who may need proofs of visible blood in order for his suspicions to be mollified. I don’t see what the true facts of virginity have to do with that. Is that really “controversial”?

Delivery of the artificial hyman is “discreet,” of course: “Items are packaged in a plain envelope or box with an attached mail-label declaring the contents as ‘Make-up Kit’ and the Sender as ‘Magazines Online’ … the transaction details on your credit card statement will appear as “MAGAZINES ONLINE” or “MAGAZINESOL” depending on your credit card company.”
 
Here’s a visual representation of the end result, complete with fake bloodstain:


 
Possibly the most interesting thing about both of these websites is that they feature bundle offers—at hymenshop.com, you can get five artificial hymens for $114.95; at hymenshop.net, you can get five of them for $103. I’m honestly trying to envision the situation that would call for five artificial hymens—I haven’t had any success yet. It could be a good device in a grim yet devastatingly entertaining farce by Pedro Almodóvar.
 
Here, a YouTube user tests out an artificial hymen to the sedate tonalities of Enya:

 
via The Kernel

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
Keith Haring’s remarkably uninhibited erotic mural at the LBGT Community Center
11.22.2013
06:45 pm

Topics:
Art
Queer
Sex

Tags:

Keith Haring at the Tokyo Pop Shop
Keith Haring at the Tokyo Pop Shop
 
Keith Haring had the great good fortune to become one of the most iconic and recognizable of the downtown artists of the 1980s—and while it was fairly obvious that he was gay and that his sexuality played some role in his work, a lot of people may be unaware that, on certain occasions, he expressed that side of himself far more fully in his art. Not all of it was fit for T-shirts or refrigerator magnets, in other words.

In 1989 Haring took over the second-floor bathroom of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Center on 13th Street in Greenwich Village—the exact address is 208 West 13th Street—and turned every blank surface he could find into an astonishing tableau of his familiar figures throbbing with every kind of imaginable urge. The title of the mural is “Once Upon a Time.” In effect, it’s a pre-AIDS bacchanal, and the images are at once reminiscent of a smutty Hieronymus Bosch and (this might just be me) the stately public friezes that Gustav Klimt instigated in fin-de-siècle Vienna, which at the time were considered shocking (they don’t seem shocking today). There’s a lil’ Picasso in there, too.

A year and a half ago, the restoration on the site was completed—the space has been converted from a bathroom to a meeting room. According to the LGBT Community Center’s website, the mural is currently “under wraps” because of construction, but ordinarily it’s available to be viewed by the public (however, I’m not certain of the viewing times; it’s not a museum, so it’s probably best to call in advance).

These pictures are pretty NSFW—I think they’re very nice but your cubicle co-worker might not share the opinion.
 
Keith Haring, LGBT Community Center
 
More after the jump…

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
Sexually suggestive food ads
11.19.2013
02:57 pm

Topics:
Advertising
Amusing
Food
Sex

Tags:

Le Guide Restos Voir
 
The Quebec-based Le Guide Restos Voir appears to be something like the Zagat guide of Francophone Canada. This year Guide Restos is proud to issue their 18th edition; to celebrate the occasion and to promote the 2014 edition, they have issued a series of sexually suggestive posters in which tasty morsels of food are photographed to resemble certain highly interesting body parts. (The concept is based on a pun involving the idea of “18+.”)

These posters made me smile , which was presumably the idea.
 
Le Guide Restos Voir
 
Le Guide Restos Voir
 
Le Guide Restos Voir
 
Le Guide Restos Voir
 
via ufunk

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
Bootylicious fertilizer commercial is unfit for children
11.10.2013
11:30 am

Topics:
Advertising
Sex

Tags:

Thai fertilizer commercial
 
This poor farmer in Thailand is busy struggling with his godforsaken tuber when suddenly, out of nowhere, a “Gangnam”-esque beat starts to pulsate throughout the fields and a trio of go-go dancers materializes and relentlessly gyrates as if their lives depended on it. (The farmer’s horrified reactions to all of this, by the way, are fantastic.)

This commercial takes the notion of “suggestive” to brand new heights, complete with an utterly unmissable visual metaphor for successful completion of the sexual act. Watch it and see.

Seriously, don’t show this to kids. But I laughed my ass off.

And then I promptly went out and bought some of this fertilizer.
 

 
via RocketNews24

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
Impotent middle-aged Christian guy doles out sexual advice… for free!
11.05.2013
01:43 pm

Topics:
Advertorial
Belief
Kooks
Sex

Tags:


 
This is one of those books that I reckon you can judge by the cover…

This curious little volume is by a fellow named Ed Hurst. It’s a free ebook you can acquire—should you want a copy—via the author. Hurst is a prolific self-published writer. His other titles include The Mind of Christ, The Chronicles of Misty, The Laptop Oracles,  A Course in Biblical Mysticism and Mystical Tales of Romance. He’s written 22—that’s right, 22—books in the past couple of years. On his website, Hurst declares “I am called to prophesy against Western Civilization as a whole, because it is fundamentally hostile to God’s revelation.”

Just so you know where he stands, K?

After telling the reader how he’s been faithfully married to his wife since 1978, Hurst gets… personal:

“I can claim a history of total fidelity, but you’ll have to decide for yourself how true that might be. Further, I am at the age and level of exposure to environmental pharmaceuticals that my libido is about gone. It still works somewhat with my wife only because of the vast ocean of trust she has earned. Otherwise, the wiring between my testosterone and my sense of taste in flesh is largely burned out. Not much of anything or anyone turns me on, so to speak.”

Why does Hurst inflict this information upon us? He explains:

“This helps to establish me as an objective observer. All I hope to gain is an opportunity for people to peel away the layers of social mythology and find peace.”

Ah ha! So when it comes to dispensing sexual advice, impotence = objectivity? Apparently in the parallel universe that Mr. Hurst resides in this is the case. He’s clearly not interested in bringing sexy back…

Hurst blames church leaders and feminism for the decline in Christian marriages. Specifically he blames the church leaders for feminism.

“What most preachers assume is good moral values still leaves the door wide open for feminine domination in the home and all the attendant problems that come with it. What part of “be submissive” in God’s Word do we not understand?”

According to Hurst, this feminism shit, why, it’s anti-Christian…

“Men tend to be a little lazy, particularly about enforcing moral boundaries. It requires a bit of indirect prompting, but direct nagging is a guarantee of failure. He is wired to bristle and resist. Rather, she has to devote herself to strengthening him according to his nature. A conspicuous devotion that others can see will provoke him to genuine heroism as much as anything can. Treat him like a hero until he feels the vibes and acts accordingly; a woman has no power to remake her man’s nature. He naturally gets angry if his woman embarrasses him in front of others.”

You hear that ladies, make your man feel like a hero.

Here’s Hurst’s (free) advice for the menfolk:

“Guys: Know your mission first. You simply have no business messing with women until you know who you are and what you must do with your life. That means delaying your start when gals your age are raring to go. Don’t be ashamed to come back when you’re ready and “rob the cradle,” but realize it is highly risky most of all because ten years is forever when it comes to cultural trends in the West. She’ll be quite foreign to you unless she’s partly retro. The biggest mistake you’ll make is allowing your hormones to run you off a cliff. Is she hot? Close your eyes and get a hold of yourself. Her beauty doesn’t mean a thing, except that she’ll probably be very hard to get, in one sense or another. The last thing you want to do is advertise your willingness to be a slave by staring like every other drooling loser.”

So says the guy who introduced himself to his readers by telling them that his dick is dead…

Via Matthew Paul Turner’s blog

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
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