Hilarious article in The Brooklyn Paper about a new chocolaty cocktail named in honor of Republican knobhead Rick Santorum:
“People really like it even though it’s named after something gross — both the person and the Dan Savage meaning,” said John Rauschenberg, co-owner of Pacific Standard. “It’ll be an election fixture at least until primary season is over.”
The duo behind the beer hole near St. Mark’s Place often put out cocktails with suggestive names, such as the Corn Holed Fashioned or Mike Gallego’s Cup.
But the Santorum, a milky mixture of Baileys, orange vodka, bitters and chocolate flakes, seems to be sticking.
We won’t explain how the drink matches up with an alternate definition of the word “Santorum,” as The Brooklyn Paper is a family publication — but the bar’s liberal proprietors are certain it’ll satisfy any boozy desires.
The owners of the 4th Avenue bar expect that word of their “social lubricant” will reach the sweater-vest wearing Republican candidate. “I hope this drink makes Santorum want to throw up,” Rauschenberg told The Brookyn Paper’s Kate Briqelet.
If you want to know exactly how fucking deliriously insane the modern Republican party has become—in writing, no less—look no further than the “pledge” candidates must sign in order to represent the Laurens County Republican Party in South Carolina.
If you want a spot on the primary ballot, the GOP bürgermeisters there want assurances from you that you’ve not had pre-marital sex (and won’t)— and that you will never, ever look at online porn again. They unanimously (UNANIMOUSLY!!!) approved a resolution with such 28 principles that a potential Republican candidate must adhere to.
Why so strict you ask? Because the party “does not want to associate with candidates who do not act and speak in a manner that is consistent with the SC Republican Party Platform.”
Not to put too fine a point on it, assholes, but I really don’t think you’ll be needing to worry too much about associating with anyone you don’t want to associate with…. They wouldn’t want to sit next to you knobs on a bus, either.
You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.
You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.
How will they regulate that last part, anyway?
The Clinton Chronicle reported that candidates will be interviewed by a three-person “Candidate Qualification Committee,” who will then in turn make a recommendation to the full executive party committee about whether or not to allow the candidate on the ballot.
Hysterical! It’s always the reichwingers claiming Socialism is inherently totalitarian!!!
It’s astonishing, of course, but more power to ‘em! If 99.999% of the potential Republican candidates are disqualified, this means the GOP will be running a slate of all church ladies in Laurens County. SC. Good luck with that, dipshits!
With Rush Limbaugh hopefully about to go the Glenn Beck “bye-bye” route, with more and more of his advertisers seeking to disassociate their goods and services with such a tainted, hateful brand as his, I have to wonder if any of them have EVER listened to his daily three-hour puke fest for the past several decades? Better late, than never, but really? This shit came as a fucking surprise???
More advertisers are expected to drop out today and you can bet Limbaugh is sweating…. like a pig. Don’t forget that such a massive salary as Limbaugh recieves—he signed a $400 million dollar contract in 2008—has got to be paid back before profit can occur for his corporate masters. Recall that in Beck’s case, in the UK he nearly had ZERO companies willing to advertise on his show for the final year and in the US, aside from Goldline, a crooked gold dealer who wanted access to Beck’s gullible, gullible viewers (I wonder why?) and the odd Depend® adult diaper ad, they were losing money on the guy here, too.
At Fox News, Glenn Beck made but a fraction of what Clear Channel pays Limbaugh. Limbaugh’s problem, you might say (in business terms) is that he is too “top heavy” on the bottom line.
As long as more money comes in than goes out, Rush and his salary is safe, but let’s say that a sizable percentage of his advertisers fuck off. Easy enough to imagine.
Now picture a Clear Channel lawyer calling up Limbaugh’s attorney and telling him that ol’ Rush needs to take a bit a of haircut. Does anyone reading this think that Limbaugh’s ego would allow him to take a pay cut, in public? He’d quit before that would ever happen. It could well be the accountants who lance this oozing, festering boil on the American body politic.
Boycotts DO work and there are a relatively small number of national companies who advertise on Limbaugh’s program. Target enough of these companies successfully and their boards and CEOs will push Limbaugh off the gangplank without hesitiation. What would their loyalty be to this fat creep, anyways? It could happen.
How many of this country’s finest legal minds would love to take on such a high profile—not to mention potentially highly lucrative—case??? It’s delicious, isn’t it?
Obviously, it’s not just attorneys who are sharpening their knives to carve up this ham, either. The media, too, seem to be collectively saying “Squeal like a pig, Rush. You got a pretty mouth!”
Hell, even the Republicans are staying clear of this beached whale!
The best thing is seeing this play out in public: Rush Limbaugh has put the conservative worldview in Chinese fingercuffs. The more he tries to defend himself, the worse he’ll look to the general population; the more that worldview will become discredited. Far from being the leader of the Republican party, Limbaugh may prove to be its worst enemy!
John K. Wilson is offering his password to the Rush Limbaugh website to anyone who wants to compile an audio version. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org if you are up for the challenge and have a strong enough stomach…
Feb. 29, 2012:
1) “she’s having so much sex she can’t afford her own birth control pills”
2) “they’re having so much sex they can’t afford the birth control pills!”
3) “essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.”
4) “Sandra Fluke. So much sex going on, they can’t afford birth control pills.”
March 1, 2012:
5) “You’d call ‘em a slut, a prostitute”
6) “she’s having so much sex”
7) “are having so much sex that they’re going broke”
8) “they want to have sex any time, as many times and as often as they want, with as many partners as they want”
9) “the sexual habits of female law students at Georgetown”
10) “are having so much sex that they’re going broke”
11) “having so much sex that it’s hard to make ends meet”
12) “four out of every ten co-eds are having so much sex that it’s hard to make ends meet”
13) “Now, what does that make her? She wants us to buy her sex.”
14) “to pay for these co-eds to have sex”
15) “she and her co-ed classmates are having sex nearly three times a day for three years straight, apparently these deadbeat boyfriends or random hookups that these babes are encountering here, having sex with nearly three times a day”
16) “Therefore we are paying her to have sex. Therefore we are paying her for having sex.”
17) “Have you ever heard of not having sex so often?”
18) “Ms. Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here’s the deal: If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. And I’ll tell you what it is. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”
19) “we want something in return, Ms. Fluke: And that would be the videos of all this sex posted online so we can see what we are getting for our money.”
20) “‘If we’re paying for this, it makes these women sluts, prostitutes.’ And what else could it be?”
21) “essentially says that she must be paid to have sex. What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right?”
22) “I’m having sex so damn much, I’m going broke.”
23) “She’s having so much sex that she’s going broke! There’s no question about her virtue.”
24) “having so much sex she’s going broke at Georgetown Law.”
25) “Here’s a woman exercising no self-control. The fact that she wants to have repeated, never-ending, as often as she wants it sex—given.”
26) “She’s having so much sex it’s amazing she can still walk, but she made it up there.”
27) “Maybe they’re sex addicts.”
28) “to pay for her to have sex all the time.”
29) “she wants the rest of us to pay for her sex.”
30) “She wants all the sex that she wants all the time paid for by the rest of us.”
31) “Here this babe goes before Congress and wants thousands of dollars to pay for her sex.”
32) “a woman who is happily presenting herself as an immoral, baseless, no-purpose-to-her-life woman.”
33) “She wants all the sex in the world, whenever she wants it, all the time.”
34) “If this woman wants to have sex ten times a day for three years, fine and dandy.”
35) “to provide women from Georgetown Law unlimited, no-consequences sex.”
36) “so she can have unlimited, no-consequences sex.”
37) “You want to have all the sex you want all day long, no consequences, no responsibility for your behavior”
38) “The woman wants unlimited, no-responsibility, no-consequences sex, and she wants it with contraceptives paid for by us.”
March 2, 2012:
39) “she’s having so much sex, she can’t afford her birth control pills anymore.”
40) “she’s having so much sex, she can’t pay for it—and we should.”
41) “She’s having so much sex, she can’t afford it.”
42) “this, frankly hilarious claim that she’s having so much sex (and her buddies with her) that she can’t afford it.”
43) “And not one person says, ‘Well, did you ever think about maybe backing off the amount of sex that you have?’”
44) “Does she have more boyfriends? Ha! They’re lined up around the block.”
45) “It was Sandra Fluke who said that she was having so much sex, she can’t afford it.”
46) “By her own admission, in her own words, Sandra Fluke is having so much sex that she can’t afford it.”
47) “they’re having a lot of sex for which they need a lot of contraception.”
48) “Her sex life is active and she’s having sex so frequently that she can’t afford all the birth control pills that she needs.”
49) “who admits to having so much sex that she can’t afford it anymore.”
50) “she’s having so much sex, she can’t pay for it.”
51) “As frequently as she has sex and to not be pregnant, she’s obviously succeeding in contraception.”
52) “Ms. Fluke, asserts her right to free contraceptive, to handle her sex life—and it’s, by her own admission, quite active.”
53) “Ms. Fluke, who bought your condoms in junior high? Who bought your condoms in the sixth grade, or your contraception?”
Republican loud-mouth, attention-seeking buffoon and draft dodging he-man man’s man, rocker Ted Nugent, has given his manly men men men seal o’ fuckin’ approval to Mitt Romney. The Motor City Madman gave the son of popular Michigan governor, George Romney, his blessing via Twitter:
“after a long heart&soul conversation with MittRomney today I concluded this goodman will properly represent we the people & I endorsed him”
That a serious presidential candidate can be reduced to kissing the ring of a twat like Ted Nugent in order to garner the votes of morons says much about the decline of the Grand Old Party. Imagine the indignity of having to buddy up to the likes of Ted Nugent, Kid Rock and Sheriff Joe Arpaio! And when all is said and done, Romney’s still gonna lose.
In honor of this historic and important political endorsement, I dredged up the text of an October 1977 High Times interview with Nugent that I remembered from when I was a kid (I’d have not even turned twelve yet when this issue—which had Johnny Rotten on the cover—came out. Why did I have a copy of High Times when I was eleven??? What sort of degenerate sold it to me? It shows what kind of child I was, already visiting the local head shop when I was in the 6th grade):
High Times:How did you get out of the draft?
Ted Nugent: Ted was a young boy, appearing to be a hippie but quite opposite in fact, working hard and playing hard, playing rock and roll like a deviant. People would question my sanity, I played so much. So I got my notice to be in the draft. Do you think I was gonna lay down my guitar and go play army? Give me a break! I was busy doin’ it to it. I had a career Jack. If I was walkin’ around, hippying down, getting’ loaded and pickin’ my ass like your common curs, I’d say “Hey yeah, go in the army. Beats the poop out of scuffin’ around in the gutters.” But I wasn’t a gutter dog. I was a hard workin’, motherfuckin’ rock and roll musician.
I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin’ and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin’ kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer-stuff I never touched-buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I’d drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.
See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin’ dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I’m gonna play their own game, and I’m gonna destroy ‘em. Now my whole body is crusted in poop and piss. I was ill. And three or four days before, I started stayin’ awake. I was close to death, but I was in control. I was extremely antidrug as I’ve always been, but I snorted some crystal methedrine. Talk about one wounded motherfucker. A guy put up four lines, and it was for all four of us, but I didn’t know and I’m vacuuming that poop right up. I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop. I was six-foot-three of sin. So the guys took me down to the physical, and my nerves, my emotions were distraught. I was not a good person. I was wounded. But as painful and nauseous as it was – ‘cause I was really into bein’ clean and on the ball – I made gutter swine hippies look like football players. I was deviano.
So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn’t believe the smell. They were ridiculin’ me and pushin’ me around and I was cryin’, but all the time I was laughin’ to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, “Oh my God, put those back on! You fucking swine you!” Then they had a urine test and I couldn’t piss, But my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin’ up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin’ up. So I went home and cleaned up.
They took a putty knife to me. I got the street rats out of my hair, ate some good steaks, beans, potatoes, cottage cheese, milk. A couple of days and I was ready to kick ass. And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They’d call dead people before they’d call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know?
Yeah, man, lay off, the Nuge was just doing his own thing!
(Full disclosure: When I was eleven, I thought this was the funniest thing I’d ever heard.)
Below, a preposterous fucking idiot in an Indian headdress plays “The Star Spangled Banner” on his gee-tar for an audience of Neanderthals:
It had to happen: After the dumbest member of Congress, Louie Gohmert (R, TX) hinted at it yesterday on the House floor, this morning, in his nationally syndicated radio show for idiots, Michael Savage mused aloud that the cause of Andrew Breitbart’s unexpected death raised questions if the conservative firebrand—who claimed he had videotapes of Obama in college that could politically damage him—was in fact, murdered at the Presidnet’s behest. From WND:
“Maybe my overly active imagination kicked into overdrive,” Savage told his listeners of his decision to raise the question. “But you heard what Breitbart said – he has videos … we’re going to vet the president.”
Breitbart reportedly was walking near his home in Brentwood, Calif., just after midnight this morning when he collapsed. A neighbor saw him fall and called 911. Emergency crews tried to revive him and rushed him to the emergency room at the UCLA Medical Center.
It’s entirely plausible, Savage acknowledged, that Breitbart simply collapsed of a heart attack because of overwork and a reported history of health problems.
“I’m asking a crazy question,” Savage said, “but so what? We the people want an answer. This was not an ordinary man. If I don’t ask this question, I would be remiss.”
You’d also be remiss not to mention that Breitbart was a barely-holding it together rageaholic shambles of a human being who was in terrible shape physically and in the months prior to his death appeared more and more unhinged and crazed in every single public outing the guy made! His own friends and colleagues know what killed him, and so does Michael Savage, but STILL he wants to try to turn Breitbart into a martyr in death. It’s fucking hilarious.
Savage must have a truly cynical contempt for his radio listeners. Certainly this is not one of Savage’s more offensive “conspiracy theories”—it’s not even close—but it does rank as one of the stupider ones. (If Paula Deen keeled over tomorrow, what would Savage attribute her death to? Anthony Bourdain, in the drawing room with the candlestick? Who had the motive? Bourdain!)
“I’ve got videos – this election we’re going to vet him,” Breitbart said at CPAC, promising they would show how “racial division and class warfare are central” to the “hope and change” that Obama”sold in 2008. He threatened the president at CPAC with video that could derail the president’s campaign,” Savage said. “I pray it was natural causes, but we’ll never know the truth.”
Here’s an educated guess, Michael: A diet consisting mainly of the pastrami sandwich at Jerry’s Deli and being an overweight, very, very angry, mean and tightly-wound man. Sound in any way plausible to you?
“I told him two years ago to get a body guard. Never be alone in the street,” Savage said.
Savage, the author of the bestselling [???] novel “Abuse of Power,” put on his novelist hat and speculated about ways a murderer could remain undetected by inducing a heart attack that didn’t leave any traces.
Don’t forget that one of the big conspiracy theories the rightwing used to propagate during the whole “Vince Foster was murdered” business about why they never found the “Ron Brown murder weapon” was because he was stabbed with an icicle! Who needs medical autopsies when you’ve got conspiracy theories?
A caller from Savage’s native New York City said there’s a simple way to find out what happened.
“If the tapes come out, he died of a heart attack,” the caller said. “If the tapes don’t come out, they whacked him.”
Can’t argue with that, now, can we? Aristotle wouldn’t know what to say!
Wondering where Alex Jones will take this today… SOMEONE on Fox News is going to blurt this out, too, unless Roger AIles wisely sent out a memo instructing “Ixnay on the Breitbart conspiracy theories.”
Death at such a young age (although he looked so much older) is normally a tragedy….but in my opinion, the Grim Reaper couldn’t have visited a more deserving recipient. Hooray! It’s a gift!
You can just bet that the fact checkers did a triple check on this death notice. Via Huffington Post:
Andrew Breitbart, the conservative blogger and journalist, died suddenly on Thursday morning, according to his website Big Journalism. He was 43.
The site said that Breitbart died of “natural causes” shortly after midnight on Thursday. ABC News confirmed that Breitbart had passed away. Breitbart’s attorney also confirmed the news to CNN.
“We have lost a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a dear friend, a patriot and a happy warrior,” the post said. “Andrew lived boldly, so that we more timid souls would dare to live freely and fully, and fight for the fragile liberty he showed us how to love.”
Breitbart came to be well-known for his work with the Drudge Report (he also played an early role with The Huffington Post), and would go on to found the Big Journalism, Big Hollywood and Breitbart.com websites. He was also an author, columnist and ubiquitous commentator in the media.
They say you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, so I deleted all the stuff I wrote about pissing on his grave, doing a happy dance of joy over the good news and feeling elated to know that one of the single nastiest, most sociopathic human beings ever to stain American civic life has shuffled off this mortal coil.
Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? Fuck Andrew Brietbart. All he accomplished with his life was to make his world a meaner, shittier place to live in. I’m glad he’s dead.
Next time, the Romney campaign can probably hire a smaller auditorium! We’ve heard Detroit is supposed to be a ghost town, but this is ridiculous.
If a picture paints a thousand words, this short video clip rather nicely sums up the tremendous “enthusiasm gap” problem facing Mitt Romney. In a state where his farther was once a popular governor, I doubt that he was able to fill even 1% of the 65,000 seats in Ford Field.
Sarah Palin’s nuclear-powered hubris is beginning to border on surrealism if she really thinks she’s ever going to become the President. (Not that I’m hoping that she doesn’t get the GOP nomination in a dead-locked convention this summer, because I most certainly do!)
In a 45 minute press conference conducted yesterday and uploaded to his Vimeo channel, America’s 2011 “Sheriff of the Year,” congressional candidate and Mitt Romney’s Arizona campaign co-chair Paul Babeu confirms what was already pretty evident, he’s gay, but denies all allegations that he threatened a Mexican man, who claims to be his ex-boyfriend, with deportation.
“Yesterday, a tabloid article made a number of false allegations about me. Only one was true: I’m gay. Today, I held a press conference to discuss this.”
Regarding his sexuality, Babeu said “my personal life is exactly that.”
Hey Paul, pass that thought on to your buddies in the Republican party.
Babeu’s Mexican former lover is claiming that the sheriff’s attorney has threatened him with deportation unless he signed an agreement never to discuss their years-long relationship!!!
*Sputter* *cough*... I mean, you can’t make this shit up. And no one did. The evidence seems pretty damning to say the least!
The latest of the alleged threats were made through Babeu’s personal attorney, who’s also running the sheriff’s campaign for Congress in District 4, the ex-lover says.
He says lawyer Chris DeRose demanded he sign an agreement that he would never breathe a word about the affair. But Jose (New Times is withholding his last name because Babeu and his attorney have challenged his legal status) refused.
The 34-year-old from central Mexico charges that the sheriff’s lawyer warned against mentioning the affair with Babeu. DeRose said gossip about Babeu would focus attention on Jose, attention that could result in his deportation, Jose says.
Melissa Weiss-Riner, Jose’s attorney, confirms her client’s account.
She says she spoke directly to the sheriff’s lawyer, DeRose, about the Babeu camp’s threats that Jose could be deported if he “revealed the relationship.” She says DeRose falsely claimed that Jose’s visa had expired.
“Jose came to our firm because he felt he was being intimidated, and he was in fear for his life,” Weiss-Riner says. “He wanted his legal rights protected.”
Babeu didn’t respond to requests for comment by publication time for this article, but his attorney, DeRose, says the dispute between Jose and the sheriff concerned Jose’s work on Babeu’s websites. He says Jose was a former volunteer who hacked into a campaign website.
DeRose didn’t immediately address the other claims against him and the sheriff, except to say, “I never threatened to deport anybody” and that “[Babeu’s] not threatening anybody.”
Believe that if you are really gullible... There’s even a part of the story that involves a jealous Jose doing a “Babooshka” on Babeu, writing to him under a nom de plume on a website called adam4adam.com and posing as another man in order to catch him in the act! More from the New Times article:
Informed of the situation, Nancy-Jo Merritt, a longtime Phoenix immigration attorney, says such a threat would be indicative of an “atmosphere that’s been created politically in this state, so that if you get angry at someone who is Hispanic, you immediately jump down to the level of threatening to deport him.
“If what [Babeu’s attorney] says is correct [about Jose’s being illegal], either the sheriff had a long relationship with someone he knew was undocumented, while all the time being Mr. Bluster about the border and using it for political gain,” or he threatened to deport someone he just broke up with, Merritt says. [Emphasis added].
“That’s just the worst kind of hypocrisy.”
She adds that federal immigration-enforcement agents have better things to do than “take care of Babeu’s boyfriends.”
Antonio Bustamante, a criminal defense attorney and immigration activist, tells New Times that if the allegations against Babeu are true, “To use a position of authority . . . and make legal threats opens a Pandora’s box of ethics issues for any law enforcement person or any elected person. In this case, he’s both.”
Paul Babeu’s a lot of things!
When asked for a statement about the allegations and the online profile, Babeu’s attorney said:
“He believes he’ll be judged by his record as a 20-year veteran of the United States Armed Forces, police officer who has saved two lives in the line of duty and responded to thousands of emergencies, and Iraq war veteran.”
Tell that to Sean Hannity and your former friends in the CPAC crowd, Babeu…