A Speculative List of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems
Since it’s Monday, I guess we can post the speculative list of Jay-Z’s 99 problems by Brandon Scott Gorrell.
Here’s a snippet:
- Fear of flying, near-panic and severe nausea during episodes of turbulence.
- Unexplained bouts of insomnia.
- During bouts of insomnia, genuine, hours-long experiences of fear/ despair that future plans will lead to irredeemable failure and chronic unhappiness, coupled with toxic analytical spirals that further exacerbate inability to sleep.
- On Steve Jobs’ bad side when he passed away.
- Random, unwelcome visual images of Beyonce performing oral sex on Kanye West, Kanye West having intercourse ‘doggy style’ with Beyonce, and, sometimes, Kanye West’s penis.
- Growing addiction to Coke and Mountain Dew.
- Worries about posture coupled with angst/ disdain for the fact that good posture is difficult to maintain.
- Distress/ distaste about own uneven facial hair pattern.
Major losses of productivity due to recent near-obsessive consumption of cat videos.
- Tired feelings of jealousy and resentment for Ryan Gosling; sharp, anxious desire to keep Beyonce away from him at all costs to prevent any possible affair (+ refusal to admit any of this to self).
- Unwelcome, distracting, and time consuming psychic digressions and fantasizing concerning, for the most part, a girlfriend he had when he was 22 years old.
- Unwanted resentment for Beyonce.
- Worries re: porn addiction.
- Drinking more than a glass of wine before bedtime disrupts normal sleeping patterns and causes waking around 3 a.m., after which insomnia will often ensue, often leading to problem described in (18).
- Extreme fear of spiders.
- Not enough alone time.
A Speculative List Of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems
Via Nerdcore