via Alice Cooper eChive
 
“PUT DOWN those needles and quaaludes, kiddo, and pick up the jug!” So CREEM urged juvenile readers in its June 1973 cover story “Alice Cooper’s Alcohol Cookbook and Timetable for World Conquest.” Today, with our nation blighted by opiate and meth abuse, and our citizens poor in cash but rich in reasons for seeking oblivion, we have to ask: did CREEM have the right prescription?

It wasn’t the best advice to give the nation’s teens; after all, liquor is one of those drugs that can cause people to drop dead, or otherwise fuck up their lives beyond repair. It might even be worse than heroin and crack. (And me with a cupboard full of sauce, but nary a grain of H or C!)

But, you know. What am I, your doctor? I don’t know how anyone reads the morning news without a stiff belt of something or other. Besides, nobody ever looked to America’s most bibulous band for health tips. By ‘73, the late, great Glen Buxton, who contributed four recipes to this cookbook, had already been hospitalized for pancreatitis and forbidden to drink ever again—not the most seductive advertisement for a cold glass of Buxton’s Bomber.

The pages below contain 23 recipes (22 drinks and one hangover remedy) which I have faithfully transcribed. The “Timetable for World Conquest” part of the CREEM feature is available at the Alice Cooper eChive.
 

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ALICE COOPER

Pinacolada a la Cooper (for six)
10 ounces dark (151 proof) rum
1/6 fresh pineapple, chipped into sections
16 ounces fresh coconut milk
Pour the rum into a bowl. Soak the pineapple into the rum. Pour into blender, adding two more ounces rum. Add coconut milk, then two ounces fresh pineapple juice and one tray ice. Blend until you freeze it. Garnish with pineapple wedge and cherry.

***

Velvet Hammer
1 ounce gin
1 ounce apricot brandy
1 ounce dry vermouth
1 dash Maraschino liqueur
1 dash orange bitters
Stir with ice. Strain into standard cocktail glass.

***

Royal Setup (for preconcert)
2 ounces Crown Royal
8 ounces coke
1 ice cube
Drink until you feel prepared to face 20,000 screaming teenage maniacs.

***

Lizard Skin
Hollow out half a large orange. Pour in one large jigger of brandy, flame brandy, extinguish after a moment. Drink.

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Tunafish Malted (for hangovers)
1 can tunafish
2 scoops pistachio ice cream
4 ounces cream
Blend. Drink. Go Back to Bed.

MICHAEL BRUCE

Night of the Living Dead
2/3 jigger 90 proof rum
1 1/3 jiggers 86 proof Gold Seal rum
2/3 jigger 86 proof White Label rum
2/3 jigger pineapple juice
2/3 jigger papaya juice
juice of 1 lime
1 teaspoon powdered sugar
Shake well with ice and pour into a tall glass. Decorate with pineapple and cherry and float on top Demerara Rum, 151 proof. Sprinkle with powdered sugar and attack.

***

H-Bomb
1/4 yellow chartreuse
1/4 green chartreuse
1/4 brandy
1/4 bourbon whiskey
Shake well with ice and strain into glass. Beware of alcoholic fallout.

***

Mai Tai Massacre
1 ounce light Puerto Rico rum
1 ounce light Jamaica rum
1/2 ounce orange curacao
1/4 ounce Orgeat syrup
dash of juice of whole lime
Mix and pour. Leave no trace of the struggle.

***

Alice Cooper Ass-Kick
Squeeze 1/2 lime into a 12 ounce glass and drop in the rind. Add ice cubes and 1 1/2 jiggers vodka, and fill with ginger beer. Stir and serve.

***

Certified Gold
Combine in tumbler the juice of 1/2 lemon, 1 jigger raspberry syrup and 1 jigger brandy. Fill with chilled champagne and celebrate.

 

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DENNIS DUNAWAY

Dunaway’s Devil
2/3 jigger brandy
1/3 jigger green Creme de Menthe
1 pinch red pepper
Shake brandy and creme de menthe. Strain into glass. Sprinkle red pepper on top.

***

Kiss of Death
1/3 rye whiskey
1/3 dry vermouth
1/6 Dubonnet
1/6 orange juice
1 slice orange
Stir well with ice and strain into glass.

***

Gold Cadillac
3/4 ounce white Creme de Cacao
1 ounce 100 proof vodka
3/4 ounce Cointreau
2 ounces fresh orange juice
3/4 ounce Galliano
3 or 4 ounces ice cream
handful of ice
Blend until smooth.

***

Alexander the Great
1 ounce brandy
1 ounce dark Creme de Cacao
2 or 3 ounces cream
Blend it. Serve with powdered nutmeg on top.

NEAL SMITH

Greenwich Mansion Dip
1/2 apple brandy
1/2 white creme de menthe
3 dashes Pernod
Shake well with ice, and strain into glass.

***

Billion Dollar Baby
1 1/2 ounces whiskey
1/2 ounce curacao
1 dash grenadine
1 white of egg
Shake with ice as though all five Coopers had turned all the way up and were playing right between your ears. Strain into cocktail glass.

***

Creme de banana
1 chilled shot glass
Drink by the shot until you get there.

***

Evil Eye
2/3 Pernod
1/3 peppermint
Shake well with ice and strain into glass.

***

Stinging Whip
1/2 brandy
1/4 sweet vermouth
1/4 dry vermouth
3 dashes curacao
1 dash Pernod
Mix and sip.

GLEN BUXTON*

(*Because of the severity of Glen’s pancreas problems, he’s been ordered by doctors never to drink again. He’ll still go you shot-for-shot, but with gingerale please. What we’re presenting here are Glen’s favorites from his days of wine and Budweiser. – Ed.)

***

Buxton’s Bomber
1 jigger cognac
1/3 jigger Cointreau
1/3 jigger anisette
2/3 jigger vodka
Shake well with ice and strain into large glass. Drink. Repeat indefinitely.

***

Black Plague
1 wineglass rum
1 tablespoon molasses
Stir vigorously in glass. Fill with hot water. Stir and serve with nutmeg on top.

***

Ten-Ton Terror
2 ounces whiskey
1 ounce French vermouth
1 ounce grapefruit juice
Shake well with ice and serve with bulbous cherry.

***

Baby’s Blood
1 ounce lime juice
4 ounces Jamaica rum
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Shake with finely cracked ice.

 
Below, Alice sucks down some suds on The Old Grey Whistle Test.