The “Fuck-tailed Flycatcher” as seen on the fantastic Tumblr “Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America.”
 
If you’re looking for a way to kill some time today I’ve found just the thing for you—a riotously funny Tumblr called the “Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America.”

According to the “about” page on the hilarious Tumblr it is written by a person who “hates birds” and who is located somewhere in my own home base of the Pacific Northwest. It’s full of crudely drawn illustrations of our fine-feathered friends accompanied by captions that truly show the writer’s disdain for birds. The author has also taken the liberty of renaming some of the birds such as the “Fuck-tailed Flycatcher,” the “White Breasted Butt Nugget,” and the ever popular “Northern Fucker.” Here’s the caption for the unfortunate “Fuck-tailed Flycatcher”:

This flycatcher is from the tropics, but many show up annually in North America, some reaching as far as the North Eastern seaboard, even into Canada. It’s impossible to predict exactly where they will appear though because the dumbshits who show up here were trying to migrate from southern South America to Mexico. What a bunch of fuck-ups. Notes: Get a load of this dumbshit’s ridiculous tail.

 
I’ve included a few of my favorite posts from the faux field guide below for your amusement.
 

 

Pine Shitkin: These shits are brown and very streaky birds with subtle yellow edgings on wings and tails, like old underwear. They have a distinctive rising, “brzzzzzzt” call which has been likened to the sound of slowly tearing a sheet of paper in half. How’s that for irritating?

Color: Yellow, shit streaks

Common Goon: They stick out in the wild like dumbasses. In the summer-time you might see bunch of these big black & white fish-divers just floating around in the middle of some lake. It’s like a car full of guys in tuxedos, slowly cruising a Walmart parking-lot after hours: suspicious. Creepy red eyes.
 

Belted King-Pisser: I can’t help but laugh at this ridiculous fish-eating bird. Because look how big his head is compared to his little body – ha ha! Actually, he kind of reminds me of Luis Guzmán, except that I like Luis Guzmán. Mr. Guzmán is a talented and under-appreciated actor. This bird, on the other hand, hunts fish and small amphibians by flying face-first into the water from a branch.

Great Blue Moron: This big moron is found throughout North America. It’s usually standing shin-deep in the water like an idiot. The largest of the North American morons, it is always trying to choke some giant fish down it’s stupid neck. There are plenty of other fish that would fit.

Northern Fucker: This bastard is a medium-sized member of the woodpecker family, native to most of North America, plus some parts of Central America and even Cuba. Apparently it’s one of the few woodpeckers that migrates, so there’s no getting away from the hammering of its stupid beak on old trees. It’s how they get at grubs and beetles or whatever. Some red junk on it’s face, but mostly beige with stupid spots.

White-breasted Butt Nugget: An easy way to identify this dumb nuthatch is to look for the stupid bird in your backyard that spends most of its time upside down. Its diet should be insects and acorns, but this bird is a sucker for free food, so they spend a lot of their time industriously carrying sunflower seeds away from your bird feeder to hide them in random crevices for shame-eating later, when nobody is watching.

Bird Note: Their nasal calls are a familiar irritation on winter mornings over much of North America.

Goddamned Canada Goose: Thanks a lot, Canada. These fuckers are considered a pest species. Why? Probably the noise, droppings, aggressive behavior, and habit of begging for food in urban parks. Oh, and then there is the incessant honking, and their long, stupid necks… Basically, everything about these birds makes you want to choke them.

Goose Tip: Feeding the geese at the park? Be aware that they can become overly aggressive in large groups. If you have to fight, don’t let them surround you– keep moving and try to take them on individually or in small groups.

Shit-Headed Cowbird: These shit-heads are the worst. They lay eggs like it’s going out of style. Seriously, like one every day, all summer long. The female finds the nest of some other bird, and she throws one of their eggs out of their nest. That’s fucked up. Then she lays one of her own in its place and flies off laughing.

European Shartling: Habitat: fucking everywhere. Pretty much everyone hates this unmusical bird. In urban areas they have huge roosts that cause noise problems, not to mention a giant mess of droppings. But farmers especially hate them because they will straight fuck up an orchard. To add insult to injury, the lazy pricks will eat your animal feed, too. Black with gross pink legs.

Wood Snork: These big bald-headed wading birds are the only member of the stork family that breeds in the United States. More importantly, they really creep me the fuck out. Legs like long black sticks with weird pink feet… skin on their featherless heads formed into small scale-like plates… gross rumple-skinned turkey-necks the size of a baby’s arm… ugh. And they are mostly silent except for their hissing and bill clappering. What kind of bird fucking hisses?

Habitat: southeastern swamps, nightmares.
 

TV’s greatest drunk Jim Lahey destroys a bottle of booze as he warns Bubbles about the shit-hawks in this classic clip from ‘Trailer Park Boys.’

Previously on Dangerous Minds:
Assemblage Art by Birds
This is not origami: Beautiful hand-made paper birds by Diana Beltrán Herrera