Nicely! Via Daily Kos
WICHITA—-In a move that has taken labor unions by surprise, David H. and Charles G. Koch announced today that they are “drawing a line in the bearskin rug under the original Matisse above the fireplace” and staging a sit-in to protest the protests in Madison, Wisconsin.
“We are outraged that a mere hundred thousand infuriatingly peaceful and persistent common people think they can push wealthy heirs like us around by not giving us what we want,” the co-owners of Koch Industries said in a statement released by their senior senior senior butler. “We are going to sit here in our grand ballroom (the one in the south wing, not the one in the east wing because it’s drafty) and wait them out until they agree to destroy themselves.”
The Kochs said the sit-in was a painful but necessary step, since their efforts to nullify the collective bargaining rights of public union workers in Wisconsin by buying off politicians and blanketing the airwaves with anti-labor ads have failed to produce the results they want. The secretive brothers, who control the levers of power in the Republican party, are occupying their time by running their several industries from makeshift suites, squeezing chunks of coal between their buttocks to make diamonds, banging on caviar tins with sterling-silver spoons and slowly descending further into madness.
“I never thought the plot of The Shining could happen in real life,” said one Koch housekeeper speaking on condition of anonymity. “But you should see what they’ve scrawled on the wall—-it’s much worse than ‘Redrum.’ Then again, get a load of the size of this diamond!”
While security personnel, guard dogs, an alligator-filled moat and a ring of gullible but well-armed teabaggers have kept unauthorized visitors from entering the mansion, a liberal blogger managed to stage a prank call in which he claimed to be Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who is leading the fight there at the direction of the Kochs to effectively crush public unions. Unlike an earlier call, in which the same blogger fooled Gov. Walker into believing he was speaking to David Koch, this one was noticeably shorter.
“Hey guys, how’s it going out there?” asks the blogger in a recording of the call. Responds Charles Koch: “Listen you [expletive deleted], we paid good money for you to follow our instructions. Now put this thing to bed already. We’re several days behind schedule and David here is starting to mold.”
Responding to the Kochs’ sit-in, AFL-CIO president Richard Trumka said he was confident the labor unions would prevail. “Size matters,” he said. “Our sit-in is bigger than their sit-in.”
Governor Walker couldn’t be reached for comment. A spokesman said he was at Madison City Hall applying to have his name legally changed to Ronald Reagan.