The slogan of the Medieval Death Bot is “real deaths from medieval coroner’s rolls,” and that’s precisely what the deliciously informative Twitter feed has been serving up for several years now.
It’s kind of like a Chaucerian version of the TV show Cops. Everywhere you turn there’s a guy receiving a fatal arrow wound because of a “quarrel” or having his brains “struck ... from his skull.”
The person behind the Medieval Death Bot informs us that “tweets are all (highly condensed) accounts of death from medieval coroner’s rolls.” Further, the reader is reminded that the death rolls do not cover what were considered “good deaths” that took place in a bed with a priest giving last rites, for instance. The rolls cover death by misadventure.
The Twitterer also provides some of the many reasons so many people died by drowning in rivers (rivers are cold; wool clothes get heavy when wet; buckets were very heavy).
In a way, the trick of the feed is the same as Twitter itself, which is that awful situations are best described with extreme & bland terseness. So it’s hard not to laugh when you read that Nicholas le Clerk perished at the age of 14 in 1432 because he was “dragged to death by a horse which had been startled by a bird.” No further information is given, and that image can imprint itself on your brain in any number of ways, and if you want you can go to your own grave wondering what the hell happened with that bird and that horse.
If you’re really lucky, someone will write a tweet about your death that’s as funny as that one.
Here are a few of the more interesting deaths:
Robert de Shordiche, stabbed under the right breast in 1300 by William le Wallere who had accused him of stealing his tunic.
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) October 20, 2015
Agnes Perone, half a year old, died 1396, killed by a sow, who ate her head even to the nose. The sow was arrested
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) December 29, 2016
John Preacher, killed by John Brett in self defence at Wellington with a dagger worth six pence.
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) September 25, 2015
William Micche of Alvithelee, died in prison in 1322, attached for larceny & for lurking in a tavern holding a scabbard in his bloody hands
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) January 31, 2017
Agnes Burlond, died 1391, smote with a dagger in the head even to the brain by her husband William
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) May 14, 2017
Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart, which did penetrate into his fundament (buttocks)
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) January 18, 2017
Henry, son of Nicholas le Clerk, died at age 14 in 1432, dragged to death by a horse which had been startled by a bird
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) February 27, 2017
Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart, which did penetrate into his fundament (buttocks)
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) January 18, 2017
Joan Edwaker, fell from a horse drawn cart whose wheel did run over her neck, killing her in 1389
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) May 13, 2017
Walter of Hockwold, died 1270, being struck on the head with an axe, called a sparthe, in an altercation over a cow.
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) January 2, 2016
Geoffery Bruys, died 1382, beaten to death by a group of men for assuming to have been a thief
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) February 22, 2017
John Rede, killed in 1270 by burglars, who struck him on the head with an axe and stabbed him in the heart
— Medieval Death Bot (@DeathMedieval) March 17, 2017
via The Poke
Previously on Dangerous Minds:
Medieval Times: Attack of the giant killer rabbits!
Terrifying, vivid portents of doom from 16th-century Germany