Oh no thy didn’t: A Novel Based on the Epic TV Miniseries ‘The Bible’
03.26.2013
05:42 pm

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Books
Television

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Roma Downey
'The Bible'


 
Oh yes they did!

Roma Downey, the heavily Botoxed actress who plays Mary in The Bible, that monster hit History Channel TV miniseries you might have heard about and her co-producer husband, Mark Burnett (creator of Survivor), have written a new book together.

It’s a novelization of—you guessed it—The Bible and it’s got the very best title EVER in the entire history of the publishing industry… well at least since the invention of the Gutenberg printing press in the 15th century.

Think I’m overstating the case? Try this on for size. THIS is marketing genius:

A Story of God and All of Us: A Novel Based on the Epic TV Miniseries “The Bible”

No shit!!! That really is the fucking title! But if you think that’s funny (I was in tears) wait until you read some of the Amazon reviews. Some of them are absolutely impossible to tell if they’re being arch or just plain stupid!

This anonymous one, though, is a masterpiece of ambiguity, right up to the very end:

When I watched the first episode of the epic TV miniseries The Bible, I remember thinking to myself, “This is spectacular, but what if I want to engage with these stories on a deeper level.” After watching and re-watching and re-re-watching the entire series, it still felt like something was missing…

Thank God for this book! Finally, all the stories from the Bible have been gathered into a single text! Now I can go right to the source to get the news straight from the horse’s (or donkey’s) mouth, as it were. If you want to relive the fall of humanity alongside Adam and Eve, the story is here. If you want to be captivated time and time again as Moses turns water into blood, look no further. If you are looking for THE comprehensive account of just what God has been up to these last 5,000+ years, you must buy this book.

And that’s not all! Recently, a small group of friends and I have been getting together to study the stories here. What a blessing it’s been! We’re even thinking about gathering a larger group once each week and having a few gifted leaders teach us important truths based on this wonderful book. Who would have thought that a single text could be so life-encompassing and applicable.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a perfect resource. I do have a few complaints/suggestions:

- Is there a leather-bound version available? I hope there will be soon.
- I’d like to have even more detail, if possible. Why not add more stories, along with genealogies, poetry and maybe even a few letters?
- What would really be cool is if there was some sort of reference system to allow readers to connect parts of the book to other parts, when appropriate.

Certainly not damning criticism by any means, just some thoughts I had…

I any case, I give this book two thumbs way, way up! If you’ve spent your entire life wondering if there is a God that you can put in a box, consume in small, easy-to-chew quantities and exploit in order to feel some arbitrary (albeit fleeting) sense of meaning and happiness, this is the book for you.

If, on the other hand, you’re looking for a true representation of the real God, the God who is worthy of your entire allegiance and all your praise, the God who will use both blessing and suffering to transform you into the person you were made to be and who will ultimately give you eternal joy and infinite satisfaction, I’ve heard you can find him in the actual Bible… but really, who’s got the time to read that old rag, or the courage to encounter such a God, for that matter?

“Reid” from Chapel Hill, NC gave the book four out of five stars and raves, “I’ll Never Be the Same”:

I’ve spent my entire life searching. Searching for something…something real. Meaningful. True. I’ve held out hope—-honest, earnest hope—-that one day, I’d find something that would elevate my heart and my mind. Now I have that. I have something to hold on to: The Story of God and All of Us: A Novel Based on the Epic TV Miniseries.

I mean, it should be said that The Bible miniseries nearly pushed me over the precipice of self-actualization; but, putting that in the form of a book, where I can allow my imagination to take the characters and the stories to the next level really helped me discover myself in a way that I never thought possible. That being said, I only gave it four stars because I feel the authors wrote it almost as though I should have some preconceived comprehension of these characters and stories. There were certainly a few gaps. I was confused about the backgrounds of some of the characters. Particularly the Jesus character. I would have liked to know more about his background, i.e., what he was doing with his life before he became a martyr. Basically, I just wish there were more detail. The book probably could have been a lot longer.

Either way, I really hope, no, I NEED the authors to keep going with this. I want a series, like Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings. I want to know what happens to ghost-Jesus. Does he keep walking the Earth like a slightly less powerful Bruce Banner? Will he travel the ages using his powers for good? Maybe they could do a re-imagining of some of history’s most notorious events and Jesus could use his healing powers and his way with people to prevent them. I mean, imagine if Jesus prevented The Plague or World War II. Maybe they could also do a crossover series where Jesus joins the cast of The Walking Dead...like a good zombie, or something.

Anyways, I strongly suggest reading this book. It will absolutely change your life!

There’s more. Lots more and more arriving daily, no doubt. Unto us this day, a meme is born.

Thank you kindly, Michael Backes!

Posted by Richard Metzger

 

 

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