The British Royal Family, it would appear, are feeling increasingly hemmed in by their approximately non-fictional status. You would have expected it of Diana, somehow, whom I not only believe (as per Kevin Costner’s recent assertion) would have gone on to star in the The Bodyguard 2, but, had she not been in that “accident” would have by now bequeathed the world a dozen docu-soaps, a whole range of sex tapes and at least one (unimaginably bad) album.

But I expected more – humble subject that I am – of Elizabeth II, who was this week said to have been getting up to some extremely post-modern shenanigans with the current James Bond. Daniel Craig, as reported in the following Telegraph article:

“It appears that James Bond, Britain’s best-loved spy, is to be rewarded for his dedication to duty with a knighthood bestowed by the Queen. Daniel Craig, the 007 actor, is reported to have received the ceremonial tap on the shoulder at Buckingham Palace in scenes to be screened during the opening ceremony at the Olympic Games. The Queen is said to have gamely agreed to take part in the action and makes a cameo appearance in the film, which will be beamed around the world.”

Buckingham Palace have refused to confirm whether Craig procedes to give Her Highness one of those rough-ish Bond fucks, but he may as well, as that’s sixty years of otherwise reasonably dignified reign “gamely” flushed down the khazi, ma’am.

Perhaps, it’s worth noting the fact that Elizabethan spy and necromancer John Dee was the original “007” to the “original” Queen Elizabeth’s “M” (current “M” Dame Judi Dench—who played Elizabeth I in Shakespeare in Love was apparently also filmed at the Palace, completing this bizarre cat’s cradle).

Quite why opening ceremony director Danny Boyle feels it necessary to thus tear down the walls of our national reality is uncertain, but despite his involvement in these nasty Olympics, I can’t shake the feeling that he isn’t an entirely bad egg – not least because he cites Caliban and his “the isle is full of noises” Tempest speech as the main inspiration for his show. That is, not Prospero et al – the ‘enchanted’ rulers/actors of this strange island – but the rest of us. Wonder if we’ll recognize ourselves in the finished product?