Napaloni, Dictator of Bacteria… the guy who placed this ad?
When looking for work these days, one can ill afford to be picky, but there are some help wanted ads that really, really force you to wonder how hard up you’d have to be to even consider replying to them.
Like this one in particular:
You possess common sense and have a can do professional attitude. Must be able to work independently once task is explained and shown (THE FIRST TIME). Attention to detail and punctuality with time and projects is vital, for you would be dealing with a perfectionist. You must be professional, well spoken and have neat handwriting. You must be punctual and have excellent time management skills. Tasks and duties are not limited to what you see below. You need to be the kind of person who cares about doing a great job and actually cares about the quality of their work. Whatever needs to be done, you must be willing to do without drama or compliant. You must be able to work independently as well.
Examples of some of the duties are:
1. Internet Sales (MUST have experience with EBay listings and selling on Craigslist)
*Please note if you have NO experience with Ebay, please DO NOT respond to this listing. I’m not interested in training anyone from scratch. You need to have a great knowledge of how Ebay works for you will be doing brand new item listings. You will be asked and tested on this in the interview. Knowing Craigslist is a plus.
2. Running Errands (You must already consistantly purchase a weekly or monthly Metrocard for your own efforts )
*You are most likely to be called if you tend to already use the subway frequently via a weekly or monthly metrocard and have a great knowledge of the subway system (Routes between Brooklyn and Manhattan especially). Please state the frequency of your subway use in your cover letter.
3. Office Organization (Scanning/ Filing documents and receipts)
4. Various Other Tasks (Online Research/Grocery Shopping/ Transporting Packages etc)
You must be able to lift 20-30 lbs without strain (An average of 2-3 shopping bags). You will be dropping off and picking up packages. Must be quick and have time management skills for you will be on a timed schedule once the day starts.
Assistant will definitely be needed on Monday afternoons, preferably from 1-6 pm. and one more additional afternoon (which is flexible). Please verify what days you are available days and please state any other flexible times, including weekends. Due to a new business project that starts in the spring, there may be more flexible hours to earn even more cash but you must prove to be efficient and trustworthy during our trial period.
*Excellent for a student/independent contractor/someone who is unemployed looking for a side gig to earn extra cash on an ongoing basis* Even better if you live in the area (Downtown Brooklyn, Fort Greene, Clinton Hill, Bed-Stuy or Prospect Heights)
** To show your attention to detail, please write “I have common sense” in the subject of your email. Please send resume AND cover letter (within the body of the email- NO ATTACHMENTS!!!) explaining your current work/student status, why you are interested in this job and what makes you a good candidate for this position. **
Interviews will be held this Friday and Saturday. Please state what time you are available to meet in your cover letter. Thank you.
Awww, see that? He ended with a “thank you!” That’s how you know that he values and respects his workers.
You can rent your life out to this vile psychopath for just $10 an hour!
What sort of Igor would want this job? In what way would you have to debase yourself in your cover letter to get this asshole’s attention???
The best part of the entire thing is this ironic typo, which is pure psychoanalytic poetry:
“Whatever needs to be done, you must be willing to do without drama or compliant.”
It’s so positively brimming with Freudian authoritative self-loathing that I can barely stand it.
This obviously insane Craigslist ad poster seems to be asking to be pranked, don’t you think? Send your creative reply to firstname.lastname@example.org