Terry Southern, photographed by Stanley Kubrick near Shepperton Studio, England, 1963. From The Terry Southern Estate.

Well, not really…

Nile Southern has generously given us permission to post another of his late father’s unpublished pieces. This short satirical piece was originally submitted to Grand Street magazine in the 1990s:

GAYMAN’S NOOK, GAYMAN’S CRANNY
by Terry Southern

DONALD TRUMP

(The following is a transcript of a conversation which took place recently at Mr Trump’s penthouse office atop the Trump Plaza Hotel)

Terry Southern: Unless I’m very much mistaken, you have rather low-profiled your gayness until now, isn’t that so?

“Donald Trump”: Oh absolutely! Good heavens yes! I could not care less about it! It’s just so silly, all the fuss about it! And at this late date! Good grief!

TS: Yes, well, just what caused your change of mind in that regard?

DT (with a toss of head, half-closed eyes): Oh well, that’s always one’s prerogative, isn’t it? Or am I beginning to sound too much like Doris Day?! Good grief, I hope not! I dunno, maybe it was peer pressure—I hate that expression!—but maybe that was it. Anyhoo, Leona—my very dearest friend, Leona Helmsley—kept after me about it. “Fess up, Donnie!” she would say, “fess up. fess up!” And finally I said “What the heck!” So here I am! (beams) Ready or not!

TS: Have you been able to use gayness to advantage in your financial affairs?

DT: Oh godness no, I would never ever think of mixing my financial affairs’ no pun intended!—with my personal mode. In fact when I switch into what I like to call my ‘prancing-gay mode,’ I
couldn’t add two plus two!

TS: You really get into it, do you?

DT (quite excited.). And how! Boy-oh-boy! Bro-ther!

TS: What is your response to having been dubbed “an Albrechian yahoo” by the general media?

DT: Oh no! Who said that? Was it Gore? Gore Vidal? Only Gore could say something so silly! Let me tell you exactly what happened! He came into the Palm Court and was as cross as two sticks because I was sitting at what he considered his table! Can you buh-leeve it?!? My Palm Court, my hotel. and his table. Quite the qrand-seigneur, isn’t he? But I simply love his work! Anyhoo, I sent a case of D.P. up to his suite, so perhaps he isn’t so cross with me now! And I most certainly am not what he said. ‘Prancing gay’, yes, but not that other thing. Good grief!

[Legal disclaimer: This is a fictional “conversation” that never actually took place. No, Donald Trump did not come out of the closet back in the 90s. Chances are that if he had, you’d have already heard about it…]
 

 
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