‘The Big Hunka Love Bear’ TV commercials: A brief psychosexual analysis
02.11.2013
05:31 am

Topics:
Amusing
Sex

Tags:
teddy bears

bear + sexy lady
 
This Valentine’s Day, Vermont Teddy Bears is pushing their “Big Hunka Love Bear,” a four and a half foot high fluffy compensation, with the promise of decent, monogamous, heterosexual sex. What’s compelling about their pitch, though, is their attempt to rebrand the Teddy Bear; no longer is it a floating signifier for innocence and childhood! No, Vermont Teddy Bears wants you to get that teddy bears are pure sex. The attempt is valiant.

Watch the commercial below, as TV-sexy women float sublimely with a slow-motion etherealness befitting of a 90s R and B music video, men are lead to believe that not only is getting a giant teddy bear a good way to ensure coital consummation, it is the best way.

”Guys, this Valentine’s Day, size really does matter.”

Your penis is insufficient. This woman even carries a ruler, to scientifically prove it. Note her castrating gaze. She will tell all the other women you are inadequate. She is laughing at you.

”You wanna’ score big points with your Valentine? Go big, with the Big Hunka Love Bear from Vermont Teddy Bears.”

This stuffed animal will confuse your sexual target, obfuscating your obvious short-comings.

“This guy is a four and a half foot pile of awesomeness.”

We are employing youthful dialect here to relate to your obvious virility. Dane Cook wants you to buy this bear. So does Andrew WK.

”He’s big. He’s soft. And let’s face it—no girl can resists a teddy bear that’s this adorable.”

All female sexualities are permanently frozen in girlhood, and, contrary to popular belief, they would rather have something soft than hard.

”Who wants to spend a lot of money on flowers that will die in days?”

The goal of affection should always be one of permanent accumulation.

”Chocolates taste good for a few seconds, but then she’s gonna’ ask if she looks too fat.”

Bitches love chocolate, but bitches hate their bodies. Amiright, bros?!?

“…order your Valentine the giant Big Hunka Love Bear for this special limited time offer, of only $99.”

Capitalism dictates that, eventually, all sexual economies will use Teddy Bears as currency. You best get on that shit

”Get her this bear, and she’ll think of you every time she sees it. And when you aren’t around, her bear will be there to keep her company and to keep her thinking about you.”

It will be the fuzzy little guard to your panopticon of love.

”If you want the big reaction, and the big reward…”

Buy bear, receive pussy. Cannot stress this enough, dudes.

“It’s a great gift for her, and it’s sure to pay off for you”

Lust is dead. Long live the Big Hunka Love Bear.

Let’s not kid ourselves; they’ll make a killing.
 

Posted by Amber Frost

 

 

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