David Hasselhoff, why have you forsaken me?

Gather ‘round children, and I shall tell you a tale! A tale of long ago, when the Internet was naught but a pup, and children were forced to come of age without easy access to hardcore pornography! It was a time when G-rated masturbation-fodder ran without discretion on daytime television. So many lived in denial, blushingly insisting it was “entertainment!” I suppose it could be argued that Baywatch was entertainment; the entertainment of prurient interests is still entertainment, is it not?

In fact, Baywatch was actually so successful that its creators tried to tap the fervor for all that it was worth. Baywatch Nights was the first attempt at expanding the Baywatch entertainment “franchise,” and though it certainly wasn’t the last, it is clearly the most interesting. It had a couple of things going for it. It retained both David Hasselhoff and Gregory Alan Williams from the original series, and the addition of soul legend Lou Rawls to the cast only upped the charisma. And of course in 1995 when the spin-off launched, Baywatch was still incredibly popular across the globe.
 

Don’t ask.

But the detective agency format of Baywatch Nights didn’t resonate with fans, perhaps because it sorely lacked hot ladies running around in bathing suits. (Who’s to say?) In a desperate move to salvage the show, producers jumped the coattails of The X-Files by reorienting Baywatch Nights as a science fiction show. Science fiction… but Baywatch. Let that sink in for a while.

Of course, the show was cancelled, but not before an entire season of TV madness. We’re talking sea monsters, UFOs, satanic rituals, voodoo, ghosts, parallel universes and even reanimated Vikings! Let THAT sink in for a while.

And now you can watch the entire thing on YouTube! And if you think you’re one of those holier-than-thou artistic purists who would never intentionally watch something bad, please refer to the opening credits below. If that doesn’t covert you, I pity your lack of mirth and hope never to sit next to you on a bus.