Let the record show that a few of us, who do not like to wallow in the emotional mud pits of space opera, nostalgia for lost childhood, or Marin County spirituality, are immune to Star Wars fever. For me, the aging brand mainly calls two things to mind: the Reagan administration’s impracticable scheme to zap nukes out of the sky with space lasers, and director George Lucas’ decision to sue the embattled hip-hop outfit 2 Live Crew for trademark infringement just because their leader dared to call himself Luke Skyywalker.

If you picture a canine lawyer for Lucasfilm barking into a 1990 car phone, “I’ll sue your ass for 100 million dollars,” you’re on the right track. In fact, the company sought $300 million in damages from the authors of “Me So Horny.” As Luther Campbell (the former Luke Skyywalker) complained to SPIN that year:

This multi-millionaire motherfucker George Lucas wants to put me out of business. He wants to destroy a small black business. Get this monkey off my back. [...] When you go into a record store and look at a 2 Live Crew album cover you see tits and ass and a bunch of black people. Who’s gonna confuse that with a Star Wars soundtrack?

 

 
Luke Records—formerly Luke Skyywalker Records, before Lucasfilm sued their ass for $300 million—celebrated Christmas 1993 with two compilations of holiday music, one for the hearth and one for the homies. See if you can guess which is which. On Christmas at Luke’s House, H-Town, U-Mynd, and Elder Chris Brinson and the Gospel Music Ministry Choir gather around the tree to sing the pious “We Bring You Joy.” For Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop, 2 Live Crew, Poison Clan, and Jiggy G join together around the stripper pole to wrap a “Christmas Spliff” for the “Ho, Hoe, Hoes.” Yes, the sex rhymes are pretty tame 22 years on; yes, “stockings” get “stuffed”; yes, “Jesus Is Black,” and so is Luke Skyywalker. And if the superannuated heroes of a certain busted-ass science fiction franchise that died with a wet fart during Reagan’s first term represent the forces of good, I’ll be spending my Christmas on “the dark side,” thank you very much.
 
After the jump, get festive with Luke and 2 Live Crew’s X-rated Christmas carols…