A few days ago on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Oliver revealed just how burned Donald Trump was over an old SPY magazine article from the 1980s by longtime Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter who described Trump as a “short-fingered vulgarian.” Apparently Trump was so damned upset over that particular slight that he has been sending Carter his finger tracings and photos of himself with his hands circled to prove that he wasn’t short-fingered ever since!
It’s something that must really get under his skin. Imagine President Trump meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin and Putin just won’t stop staring at his fingers. I think that would really wig Trump out.
Now there’s a Tumblr dedicated to Donald Trump’s tiny hands called “Short-Fingered Vulgarian.” Of course the images are ‘shopped, but you just know it’s pissing Trump off. I wonder how long it will take him to comment or tweet about it? Everyone should send it to him @realdonaldtrump.
“This could be the end of the world,” says Donald Trump in Cassetteboy’s perfect satirical cut ‘n’ splice of the Presidential hopeful’s true political ambitions.
Editing together seemingly innocent and unrelated sequences from Trump’s TV series The Apprentice, Cassetteboy has revealed the ugly truth about the billionaire megalomaniac and his ambitions for world domination…
As this comic nightmare suggests…“nobody is going to escape….” Watch before it gets pulled!
I blogged about this last summer, but since we live in an age where new information is hurled at us constantly, things like the Donald Trump butt plug are easily forgotten or become “old” within a matter of minutes. The Donald Trump butt plug really needs to make a comeback in your newsfeed. And the good news is, you can still buy one. Or more if you’re into that sort of thing (I’m not judging!)
Artist Fernando Sosa—a Florida-based Mexican immigrant who came to the United States at the age of 11—has designed a delightful Donald Trump bum-hole plug.
I usually make Butt plugs to insult dictators, homophobes and politicians. However, when i heard [von Clownstick’s] remarks about Mexicans and latinos from south america i was extremely angry. You see I was born and raised in Mexico and moved to United States when i was 11 years old. So i don’t approve of what [F$27.99, Ted Cruz and the republican party have to say about us hard working americans.
When [Fuckface von Clownstick] decided to announce he is running for president he decided to use Latinos as a scapegoat and blame us for everything that is ailing America. Many republican politicians have done this before but never a politician running for president.
If you recall, Sosa was also responsible for the Vladimir Putin plug last year. If you really’ve got to have Trump AKA “Fuckface von Clownstick” up your butt, they’re being sold on Shapeways for $29.99 plus shipping. It’s a steal!
And if the eyes are the windows of the soul—then what does this tell us about he who would be king of America? If his mouth spews offensive racist and deluded gibberish and his eyes look like his mouth—then his soul must be one dark festering pus-filled sore of poisonous bile. Or something like that.
Shoes by Gucci that look like Donald Trump’s hair (the shoes are on the right)
In a move that sure seems intentional, purveyors of high-end fashion, Gucci, have put out a slipper made from goat hair that looks just like the mythical mop on top of the current GOP Presidential front runner’s head.
Princetown Goat-Hair Mule, in “New Natural” $1,800
Gucci’s “Princetown Goat-Hair Mule’s” retail for a whopping $1,800 and like most of their high-end footwear, are difficult to track down despite their uncanny resemblance to what people refer to as Trump’s “hair.” It’s important to note that Gucci dyed the goat hair (imported from China just like many of The Donald’s signature clothing line items), in order to achieve its, er… Trumpy hue that Gucci describes as “New Natural.”
Yep, this is pretty much perfect. A They Live Donald Trump mask by Trick or Treat Studios. You can pre-order it now for $69.99. By next Halloween, Trump is gonna be YUGE.
Now you can get the first in a very limited collection of They Live Alien Masks made to look like the Presidential hopefuls, the Donald Trump They Live Alien Mask.
Again, this is a very limited run, so make sure to get your Donald Trump They Live Alien Mask today.
Please note that this is a Preorder and the mask will ship between August and September.
Trump’s signature combover could be a bit more severe, IMHO. But I’m sure you could style that on your own. You can pre-order the mask here.
This seems fitting, right? The pastel drawing is by Illma Gore and appropriately titled “Make America Great Again.”
From the artist:
“Make America Great Again” is about the significance we place on our physical selves. One should not feel emasculated by their penis size or vagina, as it does not define who you are. Your genitals do not define your gender, your power, or your status.
Simply put you can be a massive prick, despite what is in your pants.
But Illma, tell us how you really feel about Donald Trump…
Sometimes a small change in perspective can reveal the whole truth of a subject. While most people know Donald Trump is a dangerous idiot, there are some (god help them…) who are deluded by his bluster, bullying and ranting xenophobic hatred. These poor souls are caught like a rabbit in the headlights or you know, a mouse hypnotized by a snake or whatever it is snakes do to fool mice into standing still long enough to become lunch… promise them some tasty cheese or something…
Hopefully this may all change as actor, comedian and writer, Peter Serafinowicz has done a truly marvellous thing. He has added a cockney tough guy accent to Donald Trump making sound like a cross between a Bob Hoskins’ villain in a British gangster flick and one of the Monty Python’s Piranha Brothers (Dinsdale).
Mr. Serafinowicz has not altered any of Trump’s words, but his small and powerful tweak in presentation is like having subtitles for the hard of thinking. Do spread this far and wide, please.
“Cowardice! Are you serious? Apologies for freedom? I can’t handle this.”
On Wednesday evening, a capacity crowd of 10,000 people showed up at the Pensacola Bay Center in Florida for a Donald Trump campaign rally, complete with a trio of cheerleading singing moppets called the Freedom Girls who were there to debut Trump’s new “official jam.”
When I watched this the first time, I wasn’t aware of the fact that it was actually produced by a group of conservatives, the Public Integrity Alliance of Arizona, a nonprofit largely made up of East Valley Republicans. Frankly one doesn’t expect to see something legitimately amusing coming from Republican quarters—as everyone knows Republicans aren’t funny. But this is excellent, a pitch-perfect country-rock video starring Phoenix-based comedian Brian Nissen’s redneck “Dwain” character, a mullet-wearing simpleton who wants to “make America great again” by voting for a blustering, buffoonish billionaire who believes American wages are too high, that we need a border wall to keep out all of the Muslims and Mexicans and all kinds of other silly stuff tailored to the basest of the GOP base… Perhaps you know who he’s talking about?
As Raw Story’s Travis Gettys points out, although the song brutally mocks Trump’s most outrageous ideas “in the bizarro world of the 2016 presidential race, it’s not hard to imagine Trump playing the song at his own rallies.” Sadly this is all too true…
“I’ve noticed that some of the Trump fans loved it,” said Tyler Montague, founder and president of PIA. “They’re like, ‘Yeah, this is everything Trump is about, this is dead on.’ We’re like, ‘You’re kidding us, right?’”
Montague, who appears in the video as a redneck buddy, said the 501(c)(4) group — which is not required to report its donors but cannot be used primarily to influence elections — became motivated to act after Trump suggested a ban on Muslims in the U.S.
“When he said the stuff about Muslims, we were like, we’ve got to call that out and make fun of the absurdity of that,” Montague said.
He blasted Trump’s ideas as anti-conservative and un-American.
“I don’t want to overstate it, but [Trump’s] kind of a fascist,” Montague said. “It’s the closest thing to fascism that America’s had, at least in our lifetime.”
Here’s the video. Tell me if you think the average Trump supporter will get the joke or simply sing along?
The last two days have brought us two absolute must-reads on the idiocy of the typical Trump voter—articles that also clarify why they may be unusually difficult to divert away from their current white knight in shining armor. The first is yesterday’s terrific account by Dave Weigel of the Washington Post of a Frank Luntz focus group gone horribly wrong, in which all the efforts to tear down the candidate that usually prove so effective in this case had the horrifying effect of increasing the group’s adherence to Trump. Among other things you’ll learn that Obama wasn’t born in the United States and took his oath of office on a Koran, while Hillary Clinton has, for sure, “committed crimes.”
Oh yeah, and also, Trump would be a shoo-in if he were the GOP nominee against Hillary.
Today we have Olivia Nuzzi’s essential bit of reportage in The Daily Beast into the Trump voter’s mindset, in which she called up 100 of Trump’s donors to see what was on their mind. Not too surprisingly, as a group they detest Muslims (which is one reason why Trump’s call to ban Muslim immigration into the United States hasn’t hurt him yet), but maybe more surprisingly, there’s a strong strain of 9/11 truther-ism in the mix (logically, if you think that Dick Cheney perpetrated 9/11, you would think that this would make you more tolerant of Muslims, but it doesn’t seem to work that way).
Amusingly, they also wanted to know if Nuzzi herself was a Muslim.
The most unusual of the Trump donors was a fellow from Oregon named John Captain, who claimed to have sent money to the billionaire candidate because he wanted Trump to “look into” the death of his girlfriend, as he suspects she was a Project Monarch mind control sex slave who was assassinated by “her family, part of the Illuminati and the New World Order.”
It’s worth quoting this passage in full:
John Captain, of Portland Tub and Tan, home of “Portland’s premier hot tubbing and tanning specialists with exclusive outdoor hot tubs year round,” was glad that I called because he wanted to talk about his girlfriend, who he believes was a monarch [sic] mind control slave who was murdered by her family, part of the Illuminati and the New World Order.
Captain talks a mile a minute in run-on sentences that jump from one topic to another—an effect of his ADHD, he said. He explained, in record time, that he had been on Trump’s website, trying to contact him to ask for help in his fight against the Illuminati, when he decided to send him $1,000. (He donated in the past to Ross Perot.)
He had recordings to prove that his girlfriend was a robot, he said. He’d been sent tapes of her sessions with a therapist who told her to, “follow the yellow brick road,” but said he would let me ask about Trump before he explained all of that.
Captain liked Trump, he said, “because our government’s out of control in terms of spending and unaccountability and I have no belief in the government that’s currently in power.” Being a small business owner, Captain said, has made him wary of “anybody who gets a check from the government: federal, city, county, state, people who collect leaves. Anything they do is wrong.”
Captain thinks, he said, “on my own,” but he said he agreed with Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. “What I would say is anybody that’s a concurrent threat to our country should be stopped.” Why would we let people in, he said, who are “statistically” more likely “to hate us”?
“If, consistently, we’re having an issue with Muslims that hate Americans…” he trailed off.
“A part of me hoped that Donald Trump would take over and maybe he would help look into my case,” Captain said, his pace slowing down. “I don’t know what to do, you know? I’m at a loss because not only is this over my head, the facts surrounding her murder, but America is ruined as a whole.”
I don’t suppose this is exactly typical of Trump’s voters, but it is suggestive…....
Here’s behind-the-scenes video footage of a 27-year-old bald eagle named “Uncle Sam” hatin’ on Donald Trump. The footage comes from a TIME photoshoot shot back in August for a cover story on a billionaire asshat running for President on the GOP ticket.
I’m not quite sure, but there might be something kinda symbolic here? Do you feel me?
The world’s new hero is Uncle Sam. Good on ya, buddy.
This is just too good not to post: a Donald Trump urinal “art piece.” Now, I’m not entirely sure if this is real or just a concept. The Rolling Stones-inspired urinals are from a bar in Paris. When I Google them or do a reverse image search, the urinals always come up sans Trump. Sadly, I’m going with my gut and concluding this is just a fun Photoshop job. I really wanted to believe, though.
“I predicted terrorism because I can feel it,” Donald Trump announced this week (exacting publicity and self-praise—who would have predicted that—from the massacre in Paris). “I can feel it like I feel a good location,” he continued, tastefully contrasting mass murder with picking a winning spot for a casino-hotel complex. “I really believe I have an instinct for this kind of thing.”
“Ha ha ha”, said everybody about Trump’s “superpower” of sniffing out terrorism (at least on the rational side of the American electoral brain). But not this writer! On the contrary, when Trump made this declaration, I was in the midst of writing an essay (about two thirds of which follows), on the very subject matter of the Republican front runner’s uncanny, alarmingly accurate instinct.
No shit, I’d even used the word “instinct” seven times (the very seven times that proceed) without having heard Trump use it once himself.
Instinct, then, is an interesting, mysterious quality, and one possessed by most of history’s biggest players. By “biggest players,” I mean those that took advantage of circumstances to seize radical power (as opposed to boring old figurehead-of-the-establishment-type power): the likes of Napoleon, Julius Caesar, Adolf Hitler. Typically, such figures consider themselves possessed of some sort of second sight, a phantom patron (or perhaps “daemon” is the word I’m looking for?) that whispers in their ear (and theirs alone). Hitler, for instance, once told a journalist about how as he stood having a smoke one day behind the trenches during WWI, he heard a voice telling him to move: he did so, and then, having taken a couple of steps, a shell landed right where he’d been standing.
Many of Hitler’s associates remarked upon his incessant monologuing. Indeed, Hitler referred to himself as the “messenger from nothingness.” Neither did Hitler ever write his speeches down—he was winging it, ever loyal to his instincts, which led him from being considered a national laughing stock with shit hair to a position of absolute power.
“I go on my way,” he declared, en route to turning the world inside out, “with the ease of a somnambulist.”
When Trump first lashed out at Megyn Kelly, recall that his chief adviser Roger Stone instantly resigned in dismay, because the billionaire wouldn’t listen to “reason.” And indeed, who doubted that, with his misogynistic and absurd smear against a Fox New personality, Trump hadn’t pitched his campaign off a cliff? Trump’s instinct, however, whispered something else in his ear: that he could get his revenge on Kelly (no small matter to such a tumescent ego) without risking his popularity. This flew in the face of all received wisdom – and yet once again, Trump was absolutely on the money.
It’s happened time and time again.
Trump’s pious regard for his instincts is further evidenced in his approach to speeches. He improvises (just like Hitler did in his speeches, the ones Trump’s ex-wife said he liked to keep near the bed). When he attacked Carson last week, at the tail end of a ninety-minute unscripted speech, Trump clearly hadn’t given it any more forethought than a note written in ink on the palm of his hand to “remember to attack Carson.” In the immediate wake of the speech, commentators—slow to learn—were quick to call it the “beginning of the end” for TRUMP 2016. The latest polls show him now pulling well clear of his nearest Republican rival, the soft spoken, befuddled brain surgeon.
What else is improvisation but the purest possible adherence to instinct? “You don’t want a scripted president!” Trump told an Iowa audience a few months back. “Look at all the cameras blazing there. This is live, all over the place. We’re on Fox, CNN,” he went on, before brandishing an invisible script. “Look, there’s nothing” (Another messenger from nothingness?)
There is, I would suggest, a kind of theology at the heart of all this, that of any improviser—from Lenny Bruce to Charlie Parker to Adolf Hitler—the belief that the best decisions are made in the moment. Excessive premeditation, or consultation, these only blunt the cutting edge of genius, which expresses itself (in certain select souls) via instinct and cunning.
Yes, a vote for Trump is a vote for divination – for this is precisely what he is alluding to what he spoke of “good locations” and having a “feel” for the timing of significant global events. Here is a man convinced of the magical acumen of his intuition. It has after all already made him billions upon billions of dollars, and it is this intuition—this abnormal winning faculty, as he would have it—that Trump offers in lieu of policy, political affiliation, character, or any of the other usual ingredients that go into a presidential pie. He might be out of his depth, sure, but he’s got his instincts!
When Trump holds his invisible script, he is mocking the existing political alternative—everyone else—a Washington made up of lobbyists, focus groups, special advisors, academics, public relations… a kind of collective antithesis of instinct: premeditation, forethought, rationalization, logic. In dominating the Republican race as he has, furthermore (doing so, indeed, at minimal expense to himself), Trump is explicitly offering the voter an example of his ability to make successful moves which are invisible to everyone but him.
What’s for good for Trump, of course, is by no means what’s good for the rest of us, but the thing is, his instincts really are impressive, and you don’t have to think he would make (as he might put it) the winningest president ev-er, to concede as much.
Yes, Trump is doing a disconcertingly effective job—thus far—of improvising his way from being considered a laughing stock with appalling hair to the most powerful man in the world.
From Mein Kampf to The Art of the Deal? Such a phenomenon would not be entirely without precedent. It’s just like Karl Marx predicted “History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.”
As the dreaded holiday season inches ever closer—and the next Republican debate is tonight—a developer named Tim Bornholdt has created a Google Chrome extension that changes instances of the name “Donald Trump” to “your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving.” In other words, the extension changes news stories so that they are no longer about the obnoxious real estate developer and billionaire TV celebrity, but that dear old drunk uncle who you’re going to have to deal with in a little less than a month.
You can get the extension at the Chrome Web Store. It’s cute, but what America really needs is a Chrome extension that makes your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving into Donald Trump so everyone can borrow money from him/them.
Just think, in an alternate universe, there exists a web browser extension that IS turning all of our drunk uncles at Thanksgiving into Donald Trumps and there are MILLIONS of him and each and every one of them is running for President.
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