The boys are playing but they just can’t find the sound.

KISS fans—I mean die-hard high-rankers in the KISS ARMY—are a very forgiving lot, and there’s something to be said for a band that can generate generations of such zealous fans that will defend every dicey step from, say, Music From The Elder to KISS Rock And Brews restaurant to fake stand-ins for Peter and Ace. These hardcores will think nothing of paying a thousand dollar ticket to go on a KISS Kruise, or spending $2000 for a 38-pound box set of Gene Simmons solo tracks (insert Gene Simmons voiceover: “Now available at Gene Simmons Vault Dot Com.”)

Some of these fans recently ordered the said Gene Simmons Vault Experience boxset, paying the premium to have the set (or sets) hand-delivered by Gene himself. This in-person meet-and-greet/hangout, according to Simmons’ website costs $50,000. We are assuming that the video recording posted below would have cost some fan or fans the full asking price, unless there was some sort of deal negotiated—but we all know what a shrewd businessman Mr. Simmons is.

The KISS fans assembled here got, what would ostensibly be a very special treat—an acoustic jam session with both Gene and (estranged KISS member) Ace Frehley. Unfortunately, what is actually on display here is the worst guitar dick-around imaginable. Picture those dudes you knew from your dorm in college who would get together to fart around on acoustic guitars but they could never actually get in the same key or play an entire song together and it would just annoy the piss out of everyone—except those 2 dudes are almost 70 (and used to be in the hottest band in the world.)
 

 
Quite simply, Gene and Ace can’t get their shit together on this—at all. Well, Gene has his shit together a bit more because he’s been a performing musician non-stop for over 40 years—Ace, on the other hand, seems to have a rough go of it. Part of this could be blamed on the fact that the instrument and amp provided could not give him the sustain offered by distortion. Watching this video, you’d never guess these guys had EVER played in a band together. The pair attempts to fumble their way through some Who, Stones, and Beatles covers in addition to fucking up their own songs. To say that this is merely “bad” is an understatement. It’s a straight-up embarrassment, but something tells me the fans gathered for this did not mind one bit. KISS fans, like I said, are very forgiving. The fans probably did, at the very least, enjoy the cordial rapport between Gene and Ace—somewhat surprising given the fact that Gene has said a lot of un-nice things about Ace in print over the years.

Gene has said in interviews throughout KISS’ career that his mission was to provide the best show imaginable to his fans and to give them their money’s worth. And, certainly, KISS in their heyday always did that. But one must wonder if the idea of mortality is catching up with Mr. Simmons and he’s realizing that his chances for one last great cash-grab are dwindling. Because the performance in this video is certainly not worth $50,000.

You be the judge, after the jump…

 
A 2012 South American television interview with KISS has recently surfaced in which the band demands an embarrassed journalist to remove his Iron Maiden t-shirt before interviewing them.

We’ve come to expect such extreme assholism from Gene, but Paul actually starts this one off by refusing to answer the first question, but instead chastising the interviewer, “KISS is spelled K-I-S-S, (points at interviewer’s Iron Maiden shirt) this does not spell KISS, Gustavo. You made a big mistake.”

The interviewer defends his sartorial choice, saying “I picked this shirt to interview you guys… it’s not cool to wear a KISS shirt to a KISS interview.”

The band disagrees, with Gene chiming in “I don’t want him wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt,” and then demands that the interviewer wear the shirt inside-out.

The members of KISS seem to be so far up their own asses with their branding, that they treat the interviewer as if he had worn a Burger King t-shirt to an interview with the CEO of McDonald’s. The fake Peter Criss, who believes bands are like sports teams, later adds: “If you went to a Raider’s game, you wouldn’t wear the other team’s uniform.”

The members of KISS apparently have missed the difference between fandom and corporate sponsorship. One could argue that the band is playing around here, but they come off as quite serious and the interviewer is obviously embarrassed about the situation, though he tried to remain professional and play it off. They are literally telling other people what they can or cannot wear JUST TO SPEAK TO THEM.

Paul condescendingly chides the interviewer: “Gustavo is very smaaart. ‘How I get a KISS t-shirt for free?’ You show up with the wrong t-shirt.” 

Gene says “He don’t understand,” with the interviewer replying “I do, I do,” to which Gene retorts insultingly, “you’re twelve, you’re new.”

Paul tells the journalist that “you’re in our house” and that he “doesn’t show respect.”

“We also have a t-shirt that says ‘I don’t understand,’ you can wear that,” adds Gene.

Gene then makes the interviewer take his shirt off and turn it inside out before the fake Peter Criss comes along with a XXXL KISS shirt that they force Guatavo to wear.

Aside from Sharon’s dancing circus bear act, Ozzy, no other band holds a candle to the grandiose legacy-pissing done by KISS.
 
Watch it, after the jump…

 
Well, maybe not exactly. I mean, the calf isn’t trying to trademark “devil horns” or anything absurd like that. But you gotta admit the calf, appropriately named Genie, does bear a rather striking resemblance to the bass-playing, tongue-wagging “God of Thunder,” Gene Simmons. 

Born on 28 July at a ranch in Kerrville, Texas, apparently the calf is even sticking out her tongue in honor of Simmons.

The good news is, Genie will not be turned into someone’s dinner, but will serve as a mascot for a steakhouse. Okay, let me take that back, maybe that’s not such good news.

 
via The Sun

 
Legendary studio musician Carol Kaye is one of America’s most prolific bass guitarists, playing on an estimated 10,000 recordings in her 50+ year career.  She was a member of “The Wrecking Crew,” a group of studio musicians who played on a significant number of hit records from LA in the 1960s. “The Wrecking Crew” were Phil Spector’s house band, sometimes credited as the “Phil Spector Wall of Sound Orchestra.”
 

Carol Kaye
 
In the clip below from the hip-hop documentary, Sample This, Carol Kaye gives KISS’ Gene Simmons an impromptu lesson on the bass. Simmons has played professionally for nearly 50 years himself, and is arguably no slouch, but there’s a bit of snarky satisfaction in watching him struggle with the groove Kaye lays down so easily. If it weren’t for the fact that Simmons has cemented a life-long reputation as an egocentric, misogynistic, asshole, it wouldn’t be quite as funny. But he has, and it is.

“You gotta do it with the beat, Gene.”

After the jump, watch Carol Kaye take Gene Simmons to bass school…

 
Hot on the heels of yesterday’s KISS-related post comes yet another, but I just had to get this off my chest…

This morning an article from Culturemap Austin found its way into my newsfeed with the headline: “KISS members shake up Texas with new rock ‘n’ roll restaurant venture.” It contained a photograph of Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, both in their 60s, standing behind several plates of Applebees-esque “comfort food.” The pair were promoting their new restaurant Rock & Brews, as the article went on to explain:

The restaurant and entertainment concept, founded by two rockers with infamous reputations, is a family-friendly space serving up “American comfort food” and a wide selection of beer. The decor is heavily inspired by rock ‘n’ roll music and includes concert lighting and music-themed art.

“We spend a lot of time performing in large venues while on tour, and we are proud to be part of the AT&T Center renovations to enhance the fan experience,” said Stanley, who will perform the national anthem at the December 11 game.

Rock & Brews is just one facet of the $110 million AT&T Center renovation completed in October. Other updates include new seating, streamlined entryways, additional concession options, and a more modern look.

 

 
Granted the members of KISS are successful businessmen in their 60s, and granted they are widely known for their crass marketing of anything they can put the KISS name on, but I’ll be honest, as a lifelong fan, the article bummed me out—really for no other reason than because it just seemed so goddamned uncool.

And yes, I know this sort of thing is nothing new for Gene and Paul, but somehow it hit me harder than normal today. Here’s the band I grew up with, who were the epitome of everything cool when I was a kid. Not just the music and the makeup and the outfits and the blood and the fire… there was a whole mystique there.

When we were kids we believed that KISS really had the magical powers we saw in KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. We believed that their name really stood for “Knights In Satan’s Service.” We believed that Gene Simmons had a cow’s tongue grafted onto his own. We believed that Gene had once stomped on Shaun Cassidy’s face onstage with his dragon boots. All of these (bullshit) things we believed in because KISS were a mystery. They were cool.
 

 
As my favorite Luis Buñuel quote goes, “Mystery is the essential element of every work of art.”

Now, do I really think that the bands we thought were cool as kids owe it to their fans to stay cool forever? Not really, no. I mean, we all grow up. We figure out that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real. If the Demon and the Starchild want to open a rock and roll version of a fucking Chili’s in a giant corporate complex, then they should do that. It’s their gig. If I have a problem with that being uncool, then, sure, that’s MY problem.

But still, it feels like a bummer. These were my childhood idols, man.
 

 
In many ways, the genie (no pun intended) is already out of the KISS bottle. All the bullshit marketing aside… All the reunion tours with stand-in members wearing Peter and Ace’s make-up aside… As soon as you do a reality show, THAT’S IT. The mystery is gone forever. Ozzy set the precedent and Gene followed. Shit, Dee Snider too. The Prince of Darkness, The Demon, The Twisted Sister… they can’t be gods anymore. They’re exposed as middle-aged schlubs with boring family problems like the rest of us. You don’t get to go back to being cool after that. Why not open an “American Comfort Food” joint? That’s as cool as it gets from here on out.

Something tells me Paul and Gene are OK with that and they certainly don’t give a shit whether or not some blogger at Dangerous Minds thinks they’re cool or not. And they shouldn’t.

Still, I was thinking about this new restaurant and the kinds of things KISS does today to promote their brand (like appearing in Walmart commercials), versus how they promoted their brand in the early days—when they were still cool.

I remembered one of my favorite cool KISS stories. It’s the tale of a really neat Little Rascals-style promotional stunt that KISS pulled off in 1975. This was right as the band were poised to become huge megastars right after the release of Alive!.
 

 
The band had heard that a high school football team in Cadillac, Michigan were KISS fans who played their music in the locker room before games. KISS adopted the Cadillac High Vikings as “their team” and visited the high school to play their Homecoming. The entire town embraced the young band and declared a “KISS Day,” with a parade and the members receiving the key to the city. When you look at photos from that event, it’s hard to tell if it was a cooler thing for the band or the town. Maybe it was a wash. It was great promotional gimmick for the group and I’m sure the kids in Cadillac have never forgotten the experience. The photographic evidence indicates that everyone was having the time of their lives. Now THAT’s cool.

These 1975 Cadillac, Michigan photos (uploaded to the “70s KISS” Facebook page) kill me:
 

 

 

 

‘KISS 1975 vs KISS in 2015: Do they owe it to their fans to remain ‘cool’?’ continues after the jump…

 
A couple of weeks ago, DM’s Amber Frost showed us a pretty ridiculous TV news feature taking the gargantuan ‘70s arena rock band KISS to task for having the temerity to market themselves. The whole thing was full of tedious old-fart tut-tutting, and it frankly felt like the band wasn’t actually being scolded for their publicity machinery, but rather for being young and nothing at all like Tony Bennett.

So when I ran across this Gene Simmons interview on the old Mike Douglas show from 1974, I expected more or less the same vibe—the show, after all, was one of the champs of a soon-to-be-obsolete style of daytime variety programming that gave a reliable home to fading stars and alter kocker holdovers from the late vaudeville and early television eras for a demographic of stay-at-home housewives that was about to shrink significantly. So when it turned out that Douglas and his other guests reacted to Simmons’ startling kabuki-ghoul appearance in stride and just joked with him like anyone else, it was quite a surprise.
 

 
This was in the early days of KISS, so Simmons didn’t really have his schtick nailed down yet, and his efforts to project a menacing, demonic character fall WAY flat, as if to answer the question of what shock-rock looks like without shock. His professed desire to drink the audience’s blood and his self-characterization as “evil incarnate” barely seem to elicit much more than a shrug from the audience.

The interview is saved by a pretty amazing exchange between Simmons and old-school comedienne Totie Fields, who joked that it would be funny if Simmons, under the makeup, turned out to be “just a nice Jewish boy.” Simmons, of course, is not just an actual Jewish boy, but an Israeli sabra born Chaim Witz, and he drolly (and pretty Jewily) retorted “You should only know…” Fields owned the moment by interjecting “I DO! You can’t hide the hook!” Fields herself was born Sophie Feldman, and could probably spot a Member of the Tribe using a showbiz pseudonym a mile away.

The appearance also includes Douglas interviewing the winners of a kissing contest (*eyeroll*), and a band performance—as in an actual live-in-studio performance, it’s not mimed—of the early song “Firehouse.”
 

Previously on Dangerous Minds:
NBC explains KISS to old people, 1977
KISS: Their X-rated early days