Isn’t this thoughtful? Those demented bawbags who are waiting for the Rapture this weekend have prepared a letter to help explain where they and “millions and millions” of the faithful have disappeared to.
This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.
The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.
This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.
If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation, the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)
In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of God in order to believe this.
I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.
It will sound like the truth!
But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him and made Him their Lord.
If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is not too late. First you must pray to God saying"Father I admit I am a sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be
forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus name I pray.”
If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to bring others to Christ.
God bless you.
I don’t know how any of these people will be able to show their face next week.
Previously on DM
With thanks to Elizabeth Veldon
If you can’t wait for the Post-Rapture Party, then why not attend the Pre-Rapture Orgy? Organized by Ammon Kamutef Allred, Karen McCarthy, Matt Riddle, and Felonius Screwtape, who together have started a group page on Facebook inviting all to attend the orgy tomorrow night:
After the Rapture, America is going to be awesome! Universal health-care, gay marriage, easy access to birth control, a progressive tax code and strong environmental regulations.
You don’t want to miss all the fun! Come to our pre-Rapture orgy to make sure that you’ll be here come May 22, 2011.
The Pre-Rapture Orgy takes place Friday 00:00 - Saturday at 00:00, on the “Streets of America, Baby” and no doubt everywhere else, check here for details.
Now for some arbitrary “Rapture” mash-up.
Previously on DM
Responses to the Pentecostal jibber-jabberings of preacher and plagiarist Kenneth Hagin typically range from snickers to eye-rolling, but cast aside (out?) your preconceptions for a moment. Strip away the possible, okay, PROBABLE cynicism lurking behind Hagin’s curtain, and what are we left with? A group of people in a room HUNGRY FOR A WAY OUT—transcendence, beyond the limitations of mind, flesh, or state. Seen in this (admittedly stripped-down) light, how much do Hagin’s communal fumblings towards ecstasy really differ from those of, say, Beck and Malina’s 60s-era Living Theatre?