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Unleash the Beast: Kooky Christian lady explains how Monster Energy drinks are the work of SATAN
11.09.2014
09:36 am

Topics:
Amusing
Belief
Food
Kooks
U.S.A.!!!

Tags:
SATAN
Monster Energy


Image on the right by Wesley Eggebrecht.

From my own harrowing experience with Monster Energy drinks—I once drank two “BFCs” (see video) at a party to perk myself up and ended up not sleeping for nearly 48 hours… not to mention those heart palpitations—at first blush I can agree that they’re the work of the devil, if not quite in a literal—nay biblical—sense. Some other people, though, think there’s something much more sinister going on…

Unless you spend a lot of time around fucking idiots, you might not have heard of a low IQ conspiracy theory that has become somewhat of an urban legend among some Christians: the notion that the Monster Energy logo looks like three Hebrew vavs—a letter which has the value of six in Hebrew numerology.

You hear that, Jimbob? Three sixes equals “the number of the Beast” in the Book of Revelations. Or else it equals, you know EIGHTEEN?

Monster Energy’s slogan is “Unleash the Beast.” OBVIOUSLY that must be the work of Satan himself (or if not the Prince of Lies, maybe a hip advertising agency in Portland?).

Well, obviously if you are a fuckwit. Like the woman in the clip below. Is this really what American Christians concern themselves with these days, David Icke level “theories” about soda cans?

What would Jesus do? Um, how’s about helping the poor, lady?

I love how she acts like she figured this out out by herself—she’s so dumbly smug, too, which makes her delivery all the better—when she probably read it on Wikipedia or got it from an ALL CAPS EMAIL from someone who read about it on Drudge Report or WorldNet Daily. Note the part where she gets bent out of shape over the use of the term “MILF” on the can!

SHE PROBABLY VOTED!
 

 
via reddit

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
HELL-O: List of banned band names from Christian radio station
09.23.2014
08:11 am

Topics:
Amusing
Belief
Music

Tags:
SATAN
band names


 
Click here to read larger version.

I’m pretty damned certain I’ve seen this “banned bands” list before on a Tumblr or something a few years ago. Anyway, WFMU posted the list on their Twitter yesterday and it made me giggle like a little kid. The list is from Seton Hall University’s heavy metal radio station WSOU and it’s kinda hilarious.

According to this notice any mention of the “Devil, Satan, God, Jesus or any other Catholic references that are portrayed in a negative light should not be discussed on air.”

Bands like Adolf Satan, Jesus Eater, Cannibal Corpse, Alabama Thunderpussy, Smother Theresa, Mighty Sphincter, Bongzilla and my personal favorite… HELL-O.

And if you say any of these bands names or play them on air, “YOU WILL BE SUSPENDED!”

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
‘Shut Up, Devil!’ smartphone app: The power to silence Satan ... in your pocket!
08.04.2014
02:21 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Belief

Tags:
SATAN


 
Inspired by his own book Silence Satan, ministry leader Kyle Winkler of Kyle Winkler Ministries (catchy name) developed an app to help get those damned demons out of yer pretty little head. The app is called “Shut Up, Devil!” As Winkler explains, it’s a “weapon for spiritual warfare.”

He even touts that, “Soon, you realize that you’re no longer under attack, but you’re on the attack. And over time, issues you once dealt with will no longer plague you. And the lies the Devil launches at you, will no longer influence you.”

Seriously, just buy this man’s app and all will be right in your world! Get thee behind me, Satan!

Below, Winkler gives a handy tutorial on how to use his app. I think that Satan is already onto him and causing mischief. See how Kyle is about a half second out of sync? It’s the debbil!

 
via Christian Nightmares

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Christian televangelists listen to ‘Stairway to Heaven’ *forwards* hilarity ensues!
07.30.2014
10:14 am

Topics:
Amusing
Belief
Hysteria
Kooks
Music

Tags:
Led Zeppelin
SATAN


 
Oh, this is too funny. Evil genius YouTuber Clemtinite took old footage from the Trinity Broadcasting Network with televangelists Paul and Jan Crouch—the Christian duo are trying to find satanic messages by playing the Led Zeppelin classic “Stairway to Heaven” in reverse—and then reversed the whole video. “Turn me on dead, man!”

The longer it goes on, the funnier it gets.

 
via Laughing Squid

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Christ-teens battle porno demon in the movie of the year!

PORNO DEMON!
 
In an amusingly fifteen-years-too-late effort to ride the crest of the Blair Witch wave, Christian “comedian” Rich Praytor has made a found footage style scare movie about a porno magazine unleashing a demon into a church youth group’s overnight lock in. If you’re not familiar with the concept, the film’s press release is happy to help:

During the lock in, members of the youth group are “locked in” the church to have fun, play games, and get to know one another. In spite of the youth pastor’s attempt to intervene, the boys must come to terms with the pornographic images themselves in order to be truly freed from the demon.

Furthermore:

The demon is a metaphor for the true damage pornography can have in the lives of youth. There are never graphic or pornographic images shown in the movie. The producers of the film felt that it was important to tell a Christian story about real issues but to keep the images family friendly so anyone could be entertained without fear of exposure to questionable pictures.

THE DEMON IS A METAPHOR YOU GUYS! And THAT’S how you know this film is going to be smart. In keeping with the pimp-it-like-it’s-1999 theme, the film’s site has an about page that jacks (heh) Blair Witch‘s fake viral angle:

In the spring of 2010, a church lock in at First Baptist Church was organized by Pastor Chris.  In the first hour of the lock in, one of the students, Justin, had an unusual “incident” and was “inconsolable.”

It was reported that he calmed down and kept to himself for the remainder of the event. 

Two days after the lock in, Justin reportedly broke down to his parents that he experienced something “evil” at the lock in.  He also claimed he captured everything on tape.

After watching the footage, the parents met with church leaders to discuss criminal charges they were considering filing against the church for child endangerment, neglect and torture. 

A special hearing was immediately organized to find out what was on the tape. 

Two pastors, six elders and an unknown number of overseers met at an undisclosed location to view the footage of the tape.  It was reported that two of the elders resigned their duties immediately after viewing the footage.

Pastor Chris, after viewing the footage, turned in his immediate resignation to the church board. 

A undisclosed settlement was made between the church and families involved. 

The footage was officially released in May of 2013 in full cooperation with the families and individuals involved.

Holy Moly Pictures would like to thank the families and the First Baptist Church for their cooperation in releasing the footage to the public.

This is starting to seem like a lot more work than is merited just to keep teenaged boys from touching their penises—it merits mentioning that The Bible contains no prohibition against masturbating. Also, a porno magazine? Isn’t that more than a little quaint? Anyone who wants to look at pictures of naked people can do so for free on his or her phone.

Praytor has a more than glancing familiarity with beating (heh) dead-horse tropes. Here he is keenly observing, perhaps in homage to the comedy stylings of the early 1980s, that white people and black people are OMG LIKE TOTALLY DIFFERENT!
 

 
Tell me you laughed once during that.

And so here we see, as we do time and time again, that American Christianity’s great power lies not in spiritual redemption, but in turning every unique and powerful cultural expression it appropriates into a lame and bathetic puddle of insipid goo. These are the people who claim sole possession of the spark of the divine, and yet they can make nothing that doesn’t utterly blow. You’ve waited long enough for the money shot (heh) - here’s the trailer, in all its lookin’-like-it-was-shot-on-VHS glory. Smart money bets that the totally predictable morphing effect at the end ate about 90% of the film’s budget, as it costs very little to get kids to run through hallways and yell a lot.
 

 
You can avoid seeing The Lock In and just go on with what you were already going to be doing anyway starting on January 9th.

Via Film Drunk

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
SataNic Nicolas Cage sweatshirt
04.19.2013
12:00 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Fashion

Tags:
SATAN
Nicolas Cage


 
Ridiculous? Yes. Do I want one? Yep!

This SataNic Nicolas Cage women’s sweatshirt is available through Etsy shop killercondoapparel for $27.99 + shipping (not a bad price, actually). There’s also a men’s SataNic, too.

Via Ultraculture on Facebook

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Should Bill Cosby be worried about this???
03.21.2013
08:39 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
SATAN
Bill Cosby


 
This is one of those inexplicable images that makes it onto reddit where I just pause and ask myself “WAT?” Besides the obvious photo of Bill Cosby in the middle of a pentagram, what’s up with the light bulbs (why go through all that trouble, just use candles!) and the misspelled “Pokeyman”?

I’m so confused.

Redditor TXT_ME points out:

The Chant of Praise:
Zip Zop Zoobity Bop
Zip Zop Zoobity Bop
Zip Zop Zoobity Bop
Zip Zip Bop

Below, “The Billy Cosby Pokémon Rap”:

 
Previously on Dangerous Minds:
Bill Cosby hoodie

Puddin’ Pops: Bill Cosby covers ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’

Via reddit

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Satan’s Internet abbreviations: ‘Advice for Christians’
12.04.2012
10:52 am

Topics:
Amusing
Belief

Tags:
SATAN


 
David Pescovitz over at Boing Boing spotted this hilarious “viral message” on reddit. Now whether or not this is a “real” message or just a hoax, remains to be seen.

DkryptX posted it with the simple message:

“I seriously hope this guy is kidding.”

And of course Redditors had a field day exposing the hidden meanings of other wildly-popular acronyms that are corrupting our youth: 

SWAG = “Satan’s Wishes Are Granted”

YOLO = “Youth Obeying Lucifer’s Orders”

LMAO = “Lucifer Massacres All Oppressors”

TL;DR = “Trust Lucifer; Die Rich”

WTF = “Worship The Fallen”

BRB = “Beelzebub Rules Below”

Read the rest of the thread here on reddit.

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Woman convinced toaster possessed by Satan, 1984
11.12.2012
07:53 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
SATAN
Toaster


 
This epic gem aired on The Today Show in May, 1984.

Mmmm… satanic toast!
 

 
Via Nerdcore

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Can you feel the hate tonight: Perplexing vandalism spotted on the side of a garage
08.06.2012
12:56 pm

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
SATAN
The Lion King


 
Redditor hornflips posted this confusing photo of his friend’s garage which was vandalized this morning.

Everything about this is just really…weird.  

Via reddit

 

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Apparently if you enjoy any of these activities ‘they are doorways to demonic possession’
07.18.2012
02:46 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Belief
Hysteria

Tags:
SATAN


 
Well this explains everything!
 
Via Christian Nightmares

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment