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Satanic Christmas sweaters let you flip the bird (or the goat horns) at the holidays


 
The ironic phenomenon of ugly Christmas sweaters hit shark-jump levels of cultural saturation so rapidly that I actually can’t even remember any early window of time when it wasn’t irritating (though in all fairness, I get irritated pretty easily). Entirely apart from its annoying ubiquity, the whole thing feels kind of shitty, like it’s not really mocking Christmas to wear them, it’s more like mocking people who just happen to like gaudy sweaters. And is that not punching down?

The upside of this dopey annual crap-pageant has been the profusion of cheeky takedowns. The Descendents have been making awesome gag Christmas sweaters for years, and now, the twisted bastards at Middle of Beyond have given the world outright Satanic Christmas sweaters. MoB, regular DM readers may remember, are the preposterous visionaries who gave the world devil tarot card throw rugs and winter gear patterned after the carpeting in the Overlook Hotel from Stanley Kubrik’s film version of The Shining. I actually plunked for one of those Shining scarves, and to my horror, I found, when it arrived, that it was 100% acrylic (my own fault for neglecting the fine print). But for Christmas sweaters, that material isn’t just a requisite, it’s positively a boon. Designs include a straight up old-fashioned Satanic goat head snugly nestled in a red pentagram, Cthulu, Krampus, and a zombiefied Santa Claus festooned with braaaaaaiiiiiiins. So why settle for giving Christmas the finger when you can flash it the goat horns?
 

 

 

 

 
Previously on Dangerous Minds
Merry Krampus: ‘horribly distasteful Christmas sweater’
Righteous Motörhead Christmas sweater

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Demons Dance: Santa Claus battles Satan in weirdo Mexican kids flick
12.10.2014
02:57 pm

Topics:
Movies

Tags:
Santa Claus


 
A curious and quaint staple of 60s and 70s small town rural/rust belt life was the “roadshow” matinee of themed film packages that would come through town, usually around a holiday. I grew up in Wheeling, WV and there were some pretty well freaked out roadshows that I can recall seeing as a kid.

The most “normal” ones were probably an annual five hour Beatles marathon that I sat through several times and double bills of Charleton Heston biblical epics The Ten Commandments and Ben Hur. Then there were the cinematic endurance tests that featured In Search of Dracula, Bigfoot, UFO “ancient astronauts” docs and lots of things narrated by Orson Welles. Being in the heart of the Bible belt—surprise, surprise—I was also subjected to a lot of Christian “End of the World” fare like The Late Great Planet Earth (narrated and starring Orson Welles, who must’ve really hurting for money when he made that turkey) and similar things, like The Man Who Saw Tomorrow about Nostradamus and starring—wait for it—Orson Welles. Hammer horror film bills that would start at 11am and finish at 6pm were a perennial favorite and so were Steve Reeves’ Hercules movies marathons and over-the-top gore shit like Night of the Bloody Apes and Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Blood Feast and 2000 Maniacs.

These packages were put together and would travel with one person who probably owned the prints themselves and would rent out a local movie theater, church or school auditorium, screen them and then move on to the next town. The yearly Christmas package was ultra demented, consisting of the by now familiar Santa Claus Conquers the Martians made famous by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and a kooky Mexican curiosity from 1959 simply titled Santa Claus.
 

 
Here’s the IMDB synopsis for Santa Claus. To attempt my own would be… utterly pointless:

Santa Claus, high above the North Pole in his cloud-borne castle equipped with more surveillance devices than the Impossible Mission Force, prepares to deliver presents on Christmas night. Santa is especially interested in helping Lupita, the daughter of a poor family who wants nothing more than a doll; and a young boy whose parents are so wealthy they never spend any time with him (Santa fixes this by feeding them Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters). However, the Devil will have none of this and sends his minion, Pitch, to foil Santa’s plans. Pitch in turn recruits three Naughty Boys to help him set traps for Santa.

They left out any mention of the Merlin character (yes, Santa Claus, Satan, Merlin the Magician and Vulcan (who makes a special key for Santa) are all in the same hallucinogenic Mexican children’s film) but otherwise that manages to wrangle more sense out of the plot than is merited, trust me.
 

 
What a thing of wonder Santa Claus truly is, but it’s also pretty fucking bad and I’m not about to suggest that you watch the entire thing for some sort of ironic “enjoyment” because I doubt much of it will be found here, EXCEPT for the astonishingly insane dancing demons scene that happens at about ten minutes into the film. It’s like Häxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages meets this Marc Almond video, not exactly the sort of thing you expect to see at the beginning of a film aimed at little kids!

That Santa Claus was directed by the same guy who was behind the camera for Night of the Bloody Apes, René Cardona, well… makes sense! The film was bought for American distribution by K. Gordon Murray, the “King of the Kiddie Matinee” known for his redubbing and re-releasing of foreign fairy tale movies and Mexploitation luchador films.

Go straight to the ten-minute mark to see the demons dance and imagine yourself as a wide-eyed child being exposed to this Sid and Marty Krofft meets Ken Russell vision of the bowels of Hell…
 

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
I saw Santa being crucified: Have a gawk at the most controversial Christmas decoration in Texas
12.20.2013
05:23 am

Topics:
Amusing
Current Events

Tags:
Christmas
Santa Claus

santacruci.jpg
 
It must have been a quiet day at 6 News when they reported on complaints over the bloody effigy of a crucified Santa Claus, exhibited outside a house in Corpus Christi, Texas. According to a local news report, the nailed-up Santa is being described as offensive and inappropriate by some local residents.

But Aaron Olivares, who created the display, claims his crucified Santa is just “a Christmas ornament.”

“It’s December, it’s Christmas time. It is just a Christmas ornament.”

6 News were not to be so easily fobbed off by such festive excuses, and reporter Heather Jackson probed deeper, wondering if there was not something far more sacrilegious (perhaps even something Satanic?) going on with this bloody-faced, “zombie” Santa, nailed to a cross and topped with a crown of barbwire. But Olivares proved to be intransigent to questioning:

Aaron: “The crown of barbwire? A little more decoration. That is about it.”

Heather: “You never thought about the Jesus reference or..?”

Aaron: “Naw, it really, it didn’t come to me like that, I didn’t see nothing offensive on it…It’s nothing Satanic it is just decorations for Christmas.”

When asked whether it could be construed as being offensive to Christians, Olivares said no, claiming he was religious:

“I’m Christian, I mean there is a God and there is a devil.”

But some local residents do think it is offensive, like Rick Mesa:

“The cross is the big thing. The cross. Santa Claus is you know well, you can put Santa Claus on a hood, put Santa Claus on your roof, put Santa Claus in your yard, why put him on a cross?”

Though some neighbors don’t seem to mind, like Blanca Perelta, who lives directly across the street.

“It doesn’t really bother me. Everyone likes it who brings me home. My friends all joke about it.”

Either way, Aaron Olivares isn’t moved:

“Get out of my yard. If you don’t like it ... don’t drive by here.”

Aaron’s a Gadsden flag in human form. Don’t tread on him! Dude don’t care what you think.
 

 
Via Arbroath

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Leave a comment
They didn’t think this one through (or did they?): Phallic milk chocolate Santa Claus
12.10.2013
10:08 am

Topics:
Amusing
Food

Tags:
Santa Claus


 
It looks innocent enough until, you know, unwrap the aluminum foil covering.

I have to ask myself though, “Was this done on purpose?” I mean, Santa’s belt buckle does read “ANL Choco” and it also says “Surprise Toys” on the side of it.

I can’t find this anywhere online. If any of you fine readers know where to purchase one, I’ll link to it. Besides, I’m super curious about this er, special Santa Claus. 

With thanks to Kip Silverman!

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Horrifying full body spandex Santa Claus suit
12.06.2013
08:53 am

Topics:
Amusing
Fashion

Tags:
Santa Claus
spandex


 
This just ain’t right… Here’s a skintight spandex Santa Claus bodysuit that can be yours… It’s available to purchase at Rubie’s Costume Company. I can’t find the price for this scary-as-shit leotard on their website, but someone needs to use this in a Santa horror flick, stat!

Via Laughing Squid

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
‘Santa the Hutt’ mocks Christmas gluttony and excess


 
The BetaBrand store, located in San Francisco’s Mission district, has a vile, blobby yuletide greeting I can totally get on board with: Santa the Hutt! 

According to Chris from BetaBrand:

Our aim: To poke fun at holiday excess and explore anti-Santa sentiment. Our achievement: Over a thousand people have taken holiday photos at our Valencia Street store since rolling him out last week.

snip~

He now begrudgingly poses for holiday photos with Valencia Street shoppers if only because he’s too obese to move.

Santa the Hutt seems unlikely to be posing for Playgirl anytime soon…
 

 

 
Via Boing Boing

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
‘Santa Claus vs. Satan’ with a festive soundtrack of lite-psyche & bubble gum music
12.16.2012
03:39 pm

Topics:
Movies
Music

Tags:
Santa Claus
Holiday music mix


 
Here’s my annual Christmas mix set to Rene Cardona’s holiday classic Santa Claus Vs. Satan.

This year I avoided any Christmas tunes and went for songs that had a festive lite psychedelic and bubble gum vibe. If you’re sick to death of the same ol’ same ol’, then this might be a nice alternative for you to listen to while decorating the tree. Or instead of a Yule log on the TV, put this in your DVD player on repeat and watch the wild tale of jolly old Santa and the devilish Pitch while tripping to some hippie dippy tunes.

Here’s the Wikipedia description of the film in case you have problems following the surreal plot:

On December 24, Santa makes preparations for his yearly journey at his Toyland castle in outer space. He plays the organ while his children helpers from all over the world sing. Meanwhile, in Hell, Lucifer instructs his chief demon Pitch to travel to Earth and turn the children of the world against Santa.

In a busy marketplace, Pitch attempts to convince five children to “make Santa Claus angry”: Lupita, a poor girl; Billy, the son of wealthy but negligent parents; and three troublemaking brothers. Pitch fails at convincing Lupita to steal a doll from a vendor but succeeds in convincing the brothers to break a shop window. Santa’s child workers alert him to these events.

Unable to travel to Earth before nightfall on Christmas Eve, he instead uses equipment to watch Pitch and the children. One device allows him to view Lupita’s dream, induced by Pitch, in which she is tormented by life-sized dancing dolls who entice her to steal. He also listens as the three brothers plot to break into Billy’s home and steal his presents. They also attempt to write a letter to Santa claiming they have been good, but Santa’s voice informs them that he can see all they do.

Merlin the Wizard, Santa’s most trusted assistant, gives Santa a sleep inducing powder and a flower that allows him to disappear. He then retrieves a magic key that will open any door on Earth from Vulcan and prepares his mechanical reindeer. On Earth, the three rude boys plot to capture and enslave Santa. Meanwhile Lupita and her mother say a prayer and Lupita says that she has wished for two dolls, one of which she will give to Baby Jesus.

During Santa’s journey, Pitch makes several unsuccessful attempts to sabotage Santa’s delivery of toys in Mexico City. Santa succeeds in reuniting Billy with his parents, who had left him alone to go to a restaurant. On a city rooftop, the three brothers prepare to capture Santa and steal his toys. They see Santa’s sleigh in the sky and hurry indoors to find that they have only received coal. After a failed attempt to steal the sleigh, Pitch succeeds in emptying Santa’s dream powder bag while Santa drops the disappearing flower.

Santa’s trip is nearly complete when he is chased by a vicious dog outside a large house in Mexico. Finding himself without the powder or the flower he climbs a tree to escape the dog. Pitch appears and proceeds to wake the household and calls the fire department to report a fire at that location, so Santa will soon be seen by many people. With dawn approaching, Merlin assists with a last-minute escape and Pitch is defeated after being doused with the spray from a fire hose.

Before returning to the castle Santa makes one final stop, leaving a doll for Lupita. His labors now completed, Santa steers the sleigh back to the castle, content in the knowledge that he has brought happiness to all of the Earth’s children

.


01. Paisley Teddy Bear - The Hello People
02. Pancake Trees - Jefferson Lee
03. Golden Kite - Cinnamon Ship
04. Freak Street - Roy Harper
05. Psychiatric Case - Dead Sea Fruit
06. Good Dream - Rockadome
07. Bottom Of The Soul - Bonniwell Music Machine
08. Soda Pop Man - The Back Alley
09. The Laughing Man - John Carter and Russ Alquist
10. Press Right Here - Martin and Martin
11. Confusion - Randy and The Rest
12. Oh What A Good Boy Am I - Damon
13. Dream Machine - Svensk
14. Man In The Moon - Village
15. Moontalk - Tommy Roe
16. In My Mind Lives A Forest - Rainy Daze
17. Wispy Paisley Skies - Fraternity Of Man
18. Green Plant - Cherry Smash
19. She - Tuesday’s Child
20. Joyride - The Bright Green Pleasure Machine
21. Thank You Very Much - Scaffold
22. Que Coisalinda - Os Incrives
23. Strange Walking Man - The Mandrake Paddle Steamer
24. Dogs In Baskets - The Geranium Pond
25. Behold The Lillies - Neighborhood Children
26. No More Lollipops - Peter Sarsted
27. Sign Of The Queen - Noel Harrison
28. Somethings Happening - Last Friday’s Fire
29. It’s Wonderful - The Young Rascals
30. Jam Up Jelly Tight - Tommy Roe
31. Finders Keepers - Salt Water Taffy
32 Quick Joey Small - Kasenetz and Katz
33. Captain Groovy and His Bubble Gum Army - Captain Groovy
34. Dancin’ - Bobby Blue
35. Garden Of Love - Randy Johnson

Happy Holidays!
 

Posted by Marc Campbell | Leave a comment
The fundamentalist war on Santa the psychedelic shaman

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At first, Christian fundamentalist group Repent Amarillo’s recent charming video of their firing-squad execution of a Santa piñata in the name of putting the Savior back in to the holiday seems typical.

But after reading Canadian cannabis activist Dana Larsen’s 2003 article on the apparent psychotropic and shamanic origins of Santa Claus and many other Christmas traditions, it made some deeper sense to me.

Skip down to the explanatory vid…

According to Larsen, the Lapps of modern-day Finland and the Koyak tribes of the central Russian steppes had holy men in their ranks who regularly imbibed the hallucinogenic red & white amanita muscaria mushroom (also known as “fly agaric”). These ‘shrooming shamen proved to be the model of the figure we now know as Santa Claus.

Larsen also contends that the Christmas tree was originally seen as a “World Tree”, typically a fir or evergreen, species under which the amanita muscaria mushroom thrived:

The World Tree was seen as a kind of cosmic axis, onto which the planes of the universe are fixed. The roots of the World Tree stretch down into the underworld, its trunk is the “middle earth” of everyday existence, and its branches reach upwards into the heavenly realm.

So, of course, the North Star around which all stars seemed to revolve was always aligned with the top of the tree—thus the star on top of the modern Christmas tree. These ancients also saw the magic mushroom springing up as “virgin births” seeded by the morning dew, which is symbolized by the tinsel on the tree. Trippy, eh?

Also:

  • In the highly stoned eyes of these shamen, amanita muscara-eating reindeer appeared to, well, fly.
  • Santa wears the red-and-white outfit of the original mushroom gatherers, his ruddy glow is an effect of the ‘shrooms, and like most shamen, used the central smoke hole (chimney) of his animal-skin shelter as an entrance or exit.
  • Oh and those mostly red, bulbous ornaments on the tree? Those symbolize the ‘shrooms red caps, which the ancients used to dry on the trees.

Below is the least campy video I could find that draws a bunch of the connections between Santa and the ‘shroom. Enjoy!
 


 
Thanks to Lexie T. for the heads-up!

Posted by Ron Nachmann | Leave a comment
It Ain’t Made of Wicker But I Dig The Sentiment

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The fine people of Santa Catarina, Brazil inadvertently brought a bit of paganism back to the season this year by not properly wiring their traditional fifty-foot Santa. Nice one.
 
(via Buzzfeed. thx Suzy Beal !)

Posted by Brad Laner | Leave a comment