The “Fuck-tailed Flycatcher” as seen on the fantastic Tumblr “Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America.”
 
If you’re looking for a way to kill some time today I’ve found just the thing for you—a riotously funny Tumblr called the “Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America.”

According to the “about” page on the hilarious Tumblr it is written by a person who “hates birds” and who is located somewhere in my own home base of the Pacific Northwest. It’s full of crudely drawn illustrations of our fine-feathered friends accompanied by captions that truly show the writer’s disdain for birds. The author has also taken the liberty of renaming some of the birds such as the “Fuck-tailed Flycatcher,” the “White Breasted Butt Nugget,” and the ever popular “Northern Fucker.” Here’s the caption for the unfortunate “Fuck-tailed Flycatcher”:

This flycatcher is from the tropics, but many show up annually in North America, some reaching as far as the North Eastern seaboard, even into Canada. It’s impossible to predict exactly where they will appear though because the dumbshits who show up here were trying to migrate from southern South America to Mexico. What a bunch of fuck-ups. Notes: Get a load of this dumbshit’s ridiculous tail.

 
I’ve included a few of my favorite posts from the faux field guide below for your amusement.
 

 

Pine Shitkin: These shits are brown and very streaky birds with subtle yellow edgings on wings and tails, like old underwear. They have a distinctive rising, “brzzzzzzt” call which has been likened to the sound of slowly tearing a sheet of paper in half. How’s that for irritating?

Color: Yellow, shit streaks

Common Goon: They stick out in the wild like dumbasses. In the summer-time you might see bunch of these big black & white fish-divers just floating around in the middle of some lake. It’s like a car full of guys in tuxedos, slowly cruising a Walmart parking-lot after hours: suspicious. Creepy red eyes.
 

Belted King-Pisser: I can’t help but laugh at this ridiculous fish-eating bird. Because look how big his head is compared to his little body – ha ha! Actually, he kind of reminds me of Luis Guzmán, except that I like Luis Guzmán. Mr. Guzmán is a talented and under-appreciated actor. This bird, on the other hand, hunts fish and small amphibians by flying face-first into the water from a branch.

 
More dumb birds of North America after the jump…

 
I can honestly say I’ve never been aroused by the thought of having sex with a politician. Not just because most politicians are middle-aged guys with halitosis, bad hair and ego problems, but because politicians are on that “no fly zone” of occupations (along with dentists, proctologists and genitourinary doctors) who for me can never ever be hot, sexy, or remotely attractive. I know, I know, it’s my loss, but you know, I don’t mind—I can live without their alleged charms.

However, it would appear that I am in a minority—as there are many, many people out there who do fantasise about politicians and how they’d like these SOBs to fuck ‘em till they bleed, or reciprocate by tonguing and fingering their oval office. If that’s the party you’d vote for, well three cheers, for there’s a place where you can cast your vote and ‘fess up your secret political desires.

Once it might have been an App, but now it’s a Tumblr—this time a page called Playing Dirty, where peeps anonymously share their “Dirty Political Confessions.” These secret soundbites are plastered over a suitable image of the fantasy object and posted for everyone to..er…enjoy. Admittedly a lot of the naughty secrets involve British politicians like Prime Minister David Cameron—even after all that pig-fucking nonsense—and Margaret Thatcher (apparently someone’s idea of a “MILF”) but there are plenty of unbridled fantasies about Mitt Romney, George W. Bush, “Tricky Dicky” and Hillary Clinton.
 

 

It begins with me being hired to have sex with Bush Jr. I discreetly enter his hotel suite where I find him laying in bed wearing nothing but his socks. I start by tonguing his sweaty taint and asshole until he can’t take it anymore and shoves his cock down my throat, calling me a slut while I gag on his forceful plunges. He then throws me on the bed and fucks me in various positions throughout the night.

I want to sit Hillary Clinton on the desk of the Oval Office and make her come with my tongue and fingers so many times she wouldn’t know her own name any more.

Paul Ryan is a sexy beast. The moment I laid eyes on him I wanted him to fuck me. The way he fights for control and resists his angry urges is a huge turn on. I want him to tie me up in shackles and whip me, bite me, and fuck me till I bleed.

 
More wet dreams of our noble leaders, after the jump…

 
Meet Helen Ruth Van Winkle, aka “Baddiewinkle,” the 87-year-old social media sensation with Tumblr teen style and 1.6 million followers on her fabulous Instagram “Baddie” is styled by her very own granddaughter, with whom is she is very close, and counts among her fans Rihanna and Miley Cyrus, with whom she attended the MTV Video Music Awards recently. You may notice some less-than-subtle drug references on Baddie’s clothes, and far from naive, Baddie openly supports pot legalization (though she does not partake, herself).

The Kentucky grandma is getting a huge amount of attention from the fashion world these days—she even had a Cosmo feature, but it’s her organic fanbase that really made Baddie a star. Turns out, people like happy, healthy seniors doing daring things with their look! And there’s just something so encouraging about Baddie’s fearlessness—her tagline is “stealing your man since 1928.” That we should all age with such joie de vivre!
 

 

 

Beheomth, Zos Kia Cultus
 

The name of this Tumblr says it all. Its author seems to value brevity:

I have way too much spare time on my hands.

As spoofs of metal’s sometimes over-the-top grimness go, this one is often laugh out loud funny, and there are some albums I really love in there. But if whoever’s doing this reads this, and is taking requests, I’d love to see IX Equilibrium, Shadows of the Sun, and Skullgrid, please and thank you sir or ma’am.
 

Dehumanized, Prophecies Foretold
 

Dying Fetus, Descend Into Depravity, back cover
 

Skeletonwitch, Serpents Unleashed
 

Vital Remains, Icons of Evil
 

Immortal, Pure Holocaust, probably the best one of the whole bunch
 

Ensiferum, From Afar

John Baldessari

Selections from the droll new Tumblr, Great Art in Ugly Rooms.
 

Mark Rothko
 

Damien Hirst
 

Édouard Manet

Thank you kindly Bren Luke!

 
To coincide with the Keith Haring: 1978-1982 exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum, New York, the Keith Haring Foundation has scanned the artist’s journals and will be posting one page a day for the duration of the show. The first few pages are already available here. Nothing startling to see yet, but one to keep an eye on.

For details of Keith Haring: 1978-1982 at the Brooklyn Museum, check here.
 

 

 
More pages from Keith Haring’s journals, after the jump…
 
Via Nerdcore
 

 
Ain’t no party like a Kim Jong-Il party!
 

 

 

 
More at Kim Jon Il Dropping The Bass.

 
My 1970s Tumblr supplies “inspiration drops from 1970s aesthetics and lifestyle.” A fine reminder to that decade’s rich diversity of music, film, politics, fashion, and some rather dodgy advertising.

See more here.
 
 
 

 

 

 
Previously on Dangerous Minds

 
More pix from the fab seventies, after the jump…
 

 
Here’s something exceedingly cute for a Friday - Hooray, tiny animals, a delightful Tumblr blog full of pictures of big hands with tiny little animals. Sweet.

See more cuteness here.
 

 

 
With thanks to the fabulous Suzanne Moore