I try very hard to be forgiving and gracious during air travel. Some one’s puking? That stinks dude, I’m sorry you get airsick, but you certainly can’t help it. A baby crying? Unfortunate, but expected. Babies cry, and adults whining about crying babies is a far more annoying sound than the weeping of an actual infant that has no other way to communicate. Dude sitting next to you is snoring? Maybe he popped a Xanax to manage his aerophobia, and unbeknownst to him, he is now the loudest sound on the plane, including the engines. It’s a dry little tube that we’re all forced to inhabit while we defy nature and fly through the air at unspeakable speeds—I think we should all give each other a wide berth and make the best of it.
But there are some people, some people, who don’t even care that there are other passengers on the plane. Some people are simply self-absorbed assholes, so when the pilot of of Delta Airlines Flight 181 from New York City to Shanghai took a detour to drop off Stephanie Heizmann Auerbach in Alaska, I can only imagine the passengers erupted in spontaneous applause. And if you think this maverick of sky justice was being a little harsh, here are a few things being alleged about Mrs. Auerbach all across the Internet:
1) In addition to drinking five glasses of wine within the first 90 minutes of the trip, she pilfered drinks from the galley when she thought no one was looking.
2) She had her two small children with her when she did this.
3) She was flying first class at the time, and each ticket cost $4,000. That may seem like a lot to you and me, but the couple recently moved to Shanghai, where her husband was offered a job at an international law firm dealing in finance. There they have a garden villa, and she works as a fashion designer. Prior to the family’s move to China, she redesigned the websites for ritzy bridal magazine, The Knot, and Martha Stewart’s website.
4) Here is the beautiful leisure sky-oasis she got to fly in prior to being an asshole:
5) After downing the booze, she began harassing, grabbing, and yelling at her fellow passengers.
6) And climbing over the seats.
7) Then she tried to get in the pilot’s cabin. (Can you imagine what would happen if basically anyone other than a blond white lady got wasted and tried to get to to pilot?)
8) After ignoring the flight attendants’ five requests to sit down, she was issued a written notice indicating she had ignored safety regulations, putting other passengers at risk.
9) So she hit the flight attendant.
10) Then she demanded to be taken off the flight.
So they took her off the flight! Well, Anchorage police took her off the flight, because she was “physically combative.” (She left her kids on the plane, who were meeting their father in Shanghai.)
Is it possible this woman had a volatile psychotic break and simply couldn’t control herself? Was it a mental health issue that compelled her to get wasted and ruin everyone’s flight? I suppose it’s possible, and if that is the case, I apologize profusely for my schadenfreude! But either way, can we get that flight crew a bunch of medals of valor and a damn fruit basket? They’re the only heroes I have left!