STOP! I know your first impulse is just to click on lingscars.com—it’s the website version of a bottle of Dr. Bronner’s castile soap! Beware the siren song of Ling Valentine!
First of all, if you’re epileptic or prone to seizures, don’t even go near this Ling thing—it’s basically a rave.
Second, a friend of mine used to say that only octogenarians (and sociopaths) had auto-play music on their websites. I would mostly agree, but when you hear the dulcet sounds of Karaoke standards and what I assume to be Chinese pop tunes upon visiting Ling’s site, it’s clear that an exception must be made for an exceptional woman.
Third, this website is so damn beautiful—and hypnotic in its awful greatness—that you will have to lease a car from Ling after viewing it.
Behold, screengrabs of the busiest website in all the land!
Everything from games, to quizzes, to live cams of the office, to political statements, to animation, to the wise words of Ling herself grace this monument of human ambition, in all the colors of the rainbow! You can buy a portrait of Ling or even chat with her online, if she;s in the office! And she isn’t all flash. She’s a savvy businesswoman who knows what works! Take her assessment of cookies, which I found buried in the website.
EU cookie law. Piss off Von Rumpy. Me… I hammer visitors to death with cookies, so I can find out what they want. EU Cookie Law Cookies allow my website to serve visitors the content they need. Get used to it. The EU cookie law is an ass.
I don’t even know what EU cookie laws are, but right now I totally oppose them, in solidarity with Ling.
Below, a video of Ling, giving a lecture on digital marketing while wearing a Chinese military helmet. Before she is introduced (and played on to the Chinese National Anthem, for which she asked the audience to stand), the speaker acknowledges that although she does everything wrong according to marketing doctrine, it just kind of works. I’m not sure if this is some elaborate performance piece, trolling us all, or if she’s just mastered the art of the spectacle.
Only one thing is clear: Ling Valentine is a damn genius.
