Edgily debasing children’s toys is one of my least favorite underground art moves. With vanishingly few exceptions, it’s incapable of provoking any reactions deeper than a predictable OMG A BLEEDING BABY IN S&M GEAR from normals who wandered into the wrong gallery, or seen-it-all shrugs from the jaded. While it may win you kudos from emos on deviantart, crafting strap-on dildos for Bratz dolls or filling a gallery with cigarette-burnt Cabbage Patch Kids mostly just telegraphs a lack of imagination and probably a not unserious mental disturbance—and if you’re going to be disturbed, why be disturbed in the most boring way possible?

AND YET, despite all the foregoing, I’m absolutely loving UK artist Phillip Blackman’s zombified teddy bears, which he calls “Undead Teds.” I haven’t seen one in real life (though I’m strongly considering giving one a home as soon as I can), but judging from the MANY, MANY photos the artist has posted of his creations, the effect is jarring, and his workmanship looks top-drawer.
 

 

 

 
Blackman detailed his inspiration and process in a Daily Mail interview:

[T]he inspiration came from a rather obscure in-joke between my partner and I. She had a terrible cold at the time and we’d been talking about a gift for a friend’s baby. With a very stuffy nose “teddy-bear” kept coming out as “deady-bear”, and we joked about zombie teddies that creep from under your bed at night to feast on your brains while you sleep.

I individually hand-sculpt the bones, teeth and other organs from polymer clay or latex, then open the bear’s carcass, scoop out as necessary and glue the bones into place.

Each UndeadTed takes in excess of eight hours to make, not including the time it takes for glue, paint and varnish to dry, and I price them individually depending on size, complexity, materials used and time taken.

They’ve all been great fun to make but of all the ones I’ve made so far, my favourites are the Valentine ones, holding their torn-out hearts aloft as a grisly gift to their lovers. Horrible.

 

 

 
Blackman only releases Undead Teds every few weeks, and if you were hoping for one in time for Halloween, you’ll likely be disappointed—a batch released on October 1 is already long gone. However, if you’re very quick, there’s a new batch going up for sale today. If you miss this opportunity, you can be apprised of further releases on the Undead Teds’ Facebook and Tumblr, and if you absolutely MUST have one, Blackman takes custom orders.
 
Even more Undead Teds after the jump…

 
This Valentine’s Day, Vermont Teddy Bears is pushing their “Big Hunka Love Bear,” a four and a half foot high fluffy compensation, with the promise of decent, monogamous, heterosexual sex. What’s compelling about their pitch, though, is their attempt to rebrand the Teddy Bear; no longer is it a floating signifier for innocence and childhood! No, Vermont Teddy Bears wants you to get that teddy bears are pure sex. The attempt is valiant.

Watch the commercial below, as TV-sexy women float sublimely with a slow-motion etherealness befitting of a 90s R and B music video, men are lead to believe that not only is getting a giant teddy bear a good way to ensure coital consummation, it is the best way.

”Guys, this Valentine’s Day, size really does matter.”

Your penis is insufficient. This woman even carries a ruler, to scientifically prove it. Note her castrating gaze. She will tell all the other women you are inadequate. She is laughing at you.

”You wanna’ score big points with your Valentine? Go big, with the Big Hunka Love Bear from Vermont Teddy Bears.”

This stuffed animal will confuse your sexual target, obfuscating your obvious short-comings.

“This guy is a four and a half foot pile of awesomeness.”

We are employing youthful dialect here to relate to your obvious virility. Dane Cook wants you to buy this bear. So does Andrew WK.

”He’s big. He’s soft. And let’s face it—no girl can resists a teddy bear that’s this adorable.”

All female sexualities are permanently frozen in girlhood, and, contrary to popular belief, they would rather have something soft than hard.

”Who wants to spend a lot of money on flowers that will die in days?”

The goal of affection should always be one of permanent accumulation.

”Chocolates taste good for a few seconds, but then she’s gonna’ ask if she looks too fat.”

Bitches love chocolate, but bitches hate their bodies. Amiright, bros?!?

“…order your Valentine the giant Big Hunka Love Bear for this special limited time offer, of only $99.”

Capitalism dictates that, eventually, all sexual economies will use Teddy Bears as currency. You best get on that shit

”Get her this bear, and she’ll think of you every time she sees it. And when you aren’t around, her bear will be there to keep her company and to keep her thinking about you.”

It will be the fuzzy little guard to your panopticon of love.

”If you want the big reaction, and the big reward…”

Buy bear, receive pussy. Cannot stress this enough, dudes.

“It’s a great gift for her, and it’s sure to pay off for you”

Lust is dead. Long live the Big Hunka Love Bear.

Let’s not kid ourselves; they’ll make a killing.