Designers Constantin Bolimond (Russia) and Maksim Ali (U.S.) have teamed up to create bars of chocolate in the shape of female breasts. The product is called Titses.

At this point the product appears to be in the prototype stage.

These milk chocolate bars are molded in the shape of women’s breasts. Customers can choose from sizes S to XL. Perhaps in an effort to deflect attention from their own sillier or baser instincts, Bolimond and Ali have given their prototype a veneer of intellectual sophistication by appealing to gender inequality: “The aim of the project Titses milk is to attract mens’ attention to the product that is so loved by women but is often overlooked by a strong half of the population.”

In the world of pop culture, chocolate appeals inordinately to women—the cliché holds that single, unloved women distract from their sorrows by consuming Godiva chocolate, or whatever, which leads to weight gain and decreased attractiveness, an unfortunate cycle. However, it’s still kinda questionable that chocolate, as one of the world’s most popular products, really has an exclusive relationship with one gender or the other.

It’s much more likely that the driving impulse here, rather than rectifying some imbalance, was, you know, to make boobies out of chocolate.
 

 

 
More edible breast candy after the jump…

 
Who knew that celery—the blandest vegetable of all—is a go-to favorite in the film industry to create that gnarly flesh-ripping, bone-breaking sound you hear in movies? I didn’t. BBC Radio 4 host Francine Stock talks with sound effects maestro Barnaby Smyth about how celery is used for just that. Apparently this technique was used in Alien vs. Predator.

The interview is short, sweet and gets to point. Suddenly I feel compelled to drop my newfound knowledge about celery casually into every conversation I have. Not every conversation, but most. Maybe I’ll just blog about it.

 
via WFMU on Twitter

 
The Rock and Roll Cookbook: Favorite Recipes from the Chart Toppers, Hit Makers and Legends of Rock and Roll, published in 1993, includes a recipe for chocolate-covered fried chicken from DEVO’s Mark Mothersbaugh. I’m still not sure whether the men of DEVO actually ate this dish, or if the recipe is more along the lines of Ween’s endorsement of huffing Scotchgard.

The yellow press, never friendly to Mothersbaugh’s band of latter-day saints, mocked this recipe when the cookbook was published. Under the headline “OH, PLEASE PASS MY BARF BAG!” the writer of the Philadelphia Daily News’ “Tattle” column opined:

We would advise staying away from Devo’s Chocolava Stump Logs, created from carry-out chicken logs and Bosco chocolate syrup; all they prove is that some people still smoke a lot of dope.

But, you know, the proof of the pudding, and like that, Philadelphia Daily News: it’s probably actually really good. Chicken mole is a respected cousin to this friendless dish, and Mothersbaugh demonstrates his impeccable taste in the first line of the recipe with his selection of Pioneer Chicken, the best fried chicken chain of them all. If you’ve ever had a good bucket of Pioneer, KFC and Popeyes taste like the contents of a vacuum cleaner; you might as well suck old cornflakes out of your friend’s couch and pay him ten dollars. If you want some of Pioneer’s famous bird in 2015, you’ll have to travel to Los Angeles or Indonesia, and God help you if you’re trying to find Bosco in either of those places. Leave time for a stop at Kroger’s on the way to the airport, pilgrim, or you’ll be fucked, flustered and far from home.

I digress. Duty now, spuds!

Chocolava Stump Logs

1 12-pack order of Pioneer Chicken Carry-out Logs

1 can Bosco chocolate sauce

Place room temperature sauce into bowl, then carefully dip chicken logs into sauce (chicken nuggets can be substituted in an emergency). Arrange on a plate in either Lincoln Log Cabin or smiley face shapes. Enjoy!

Specify free-range chicken and pesticide-free chocolate syrup.

Something tasty from DEVO, after the jump…

 
Many moons ago, a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (unless you bother scrolling to the very bottom of this post), had a brief stretch of working in a relatively upscale Mexican restaurant in midtown Manhattan. Although she was super broke at the time and desperately needed the job, there was the matter of the uniform… an oversized poncho.

It greatly offended her sense of style, not to mention her dignity, but at least, I told her, they’re not making you wear a sombrero and a droopy moustache like the Frito Bandito...

The concept of the “droopy” became a one-word catalyst that sees the two of us completely crack up whenever the other mentions it. One of those things, I suppose you had to be there, but I was reminded of this anecdote by finding out recently about the existence of the curious Jewish “theme” restaurant Pid Zolotoyu Rozoyu (“Under the Golden Rose”) restaurant in L’viv, Ukraine for reasons which are about to become quite obvious…
 

 
The restaurant itself is located next to the ruins of what had been the 350-year-old Golden Rose synagogue that was destroyed by the Nazis with several Jews inside of it (150,000 Jews died in the L’viv ghetto during World War II). While you nosh on gefilte fish, pickled herring and matzoh ball soup, they will give you wool hats to wear with payot (curly side-locks worn by Hassidim) attached. Perhaps you’d like to enjoy the house drink, “The Funny Jew.” There are no prices on the menu, guests are expected to haggle with the waitstaff over the prices, and one might presume “jew them down.”

Such fun! Such biddy biddy bum!
 

 
The spot is one of fifteen so-called “emotional restaurants” owned by a company called !Fest who operate theme restaurants pertaining to such things as sadomasochism (Café Masoch‘s namesake, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, was born in L’viv) with kinky outfits on the wait staff, plus whips and chains; Kryjivka—which claims to be the single most visited restaurant in all of Europe, with one million annual covers—built in the bunker of the last hiding place of the ultranationalist Ukrainian Insurgent Army (the password for entrance is “Glory to Ukraine” although “ethnic cleansing” probably would have sufficed); as well as an execution-themed charcuterie, replete with fine meats and a guillotine for just that right cut of meat… There is even an !Fest restaurant with a Freemasonry theme that has a special “throne” in the men’s room.
 

 
The crazy thing is, if you look at the !Fest enterprise as a whole, it doesn’t really appear that anti-Semitism per se is on the menu at Pid Zolotoyu Rozoyu. They obviously like to court controversy, and of course, it’s easy to argue that this is incredibly tacky, but the attitude of the owners—three guys in their late 20s/early 30s who have probably never even met a real Jew—seem to be that it’s “educational” and “historical” and that they’re simply running a cheeky tourist attraction. Few of L’viv’s remaining Jews tend to see it that way.

Oy vey…
 

 
Thank you kindly Oberon Sinclair and Andrew Deutsch!

 
Gluten Free Museum is a Tumblr dedicated to painstakingly removing all gluten products from famous works of art. Gluten free art is where it’s at now. Get hip to this shit, okay?

The last one I included may not be a classic painting, but it’s pure genius.

 

 

 
More gluten free art after the jump…
 

 
Like the Scarlet Pimpernel, they seek him here, they seek him there, they seek him almost everywhere… and no one seems to know where the elusive Jesus Christ will next turn up. This time it appears JC has been spotted on a hot cross bun.

Mother-of-two, Lindsey Norman bought a pack of six buns from her local supermarket and noticed what appeared to be a likeness of Jesus on one of the traditional Easter treats.

“I saw them and I thought ‘That looks just like a figure of Jesus with a sign of the cross on his shoulder,’” Ms Norman told the press.  “It made me giggle to myself because it’s coming up to Easter.”

Ms. Norman purchased the buns and returned home where they were devoured that night. Whether Jesus was toasted or just gobbled-up with a dab of butter, we don’t know.

However, there are many superstitions attached to hot cross buns—from its supposed symbolism of Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection, to the belief that sharing one of these seasonal goodies will ensure long-lasting friendship; and if you hang a bun in the kitchen and keep it for a year, it will not go off and can then be broken down and used as medicine; and that the cross on top of the bun can ward-off evil spirits. Whether anyone has successfully tested these claims, I don’t know, but I do think Ms. Norman should have kept her Jesus bun and sold it on eBay.
 

 
Via Daily Mail

 
Ohhh boy. Yesterday, when Crystal O’Connor said that her family’s restaurant, Memories Pizza, in Walkerton, Indiana, would be obliged to deny a request to cater a mozzarella-themed wedding reception for a gay couple due to their religious “beliefs,” she surely didn’t anticipate the wrathful response on social media by homosexuals and/or fans of civil rights and “the American way.” Given that Memories is a local restaurant that serves pizza, the natural social media venue for a vigorous response was Yelp, the website that publishes crowd-sourced reviews of local businesses.

That response has been intense indeed—and hilarious:
 

 
The overall rating for Memories, at this writing based on 1,127 reviews, is hovering at about 1.5. Of course, not all of the people glomming onto the site are out to attack Memories; like Chick-fil-A, it has plenty of defenders too.

And lest we forget, Yelp allows reviewers to upload pics as well. Interestingly, there are currently fewer pictures than just a couple of hours ago, so Yelp or someone is seeking to remove the obvious trolls. Here, check some out:
 

 

 

 

 
via Salon
 

 
Easter is no doubt the most morbid of Christian holidays—a celebration of resurrection, sure, but also pretty big on the whole death part too. Combine that with weird pagan leftovers about eggs and rabbits, add in some chocolate, and you have yourself one of the weirder nods to crucifixion. But isn’t biting the head off a bunny-shaped confection kind of… weak? Can we not come up with a more appropriate way to honor the zombie Jesus?

Of course we can! We’re in the age of 3-D printing! You can produce a chocolate mold of your actual face—a sinful confectionary death mask brought to you by the epicurean geniuses at Bompas & Parr!

From their site:

Just in time for Easter, Bompas & Parr invites you to explore the possibilities of the world’s first anatomical Easter eggs – in the shape of your own face! Eat My Face is a hands-on-face service that will see us create an exact mould of you or your child, mistress or dog’s face for that matter, in chocolate.

By using the latest facial-scanning and 3D-printing technology and employing our expertise honed in jelly mould-making, we are able to create a perfect mould of anyone’s face which can then be used to create an iconic chocolate egg form.

Prices are only available upon request, so I can imagine one of these costs a pretty penny but isn’t it a small price to pay for a properly goth Easter?

 
Via Munchies

 
Shane Parrish at Farnam Street reminded me of an amusing passage from The Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back Again) in which he explains how to keep the pounds off.
 

But if you do watch your weight, try the Andy Warhol New York City Diet: when I order in a restaurant, I order everything that I don’t want, so I have a lot to play around with while everyone else eats. Then, no matter how chic the restaurant is, I insist that the waiter wrap the entire plate up like a to-go order, and after we leave the restaurant I find a little corner outside in the street to leave the plate in, because there are so many people in New York who live in the streets, with everything they own in shopping bags.

So I lose weight and stay trim, and I think that maybe one of those people will find a Grenouille dinner on the window ledge. But then, you never know, maybe they wouldn’t like what I ordered as much as I didn’t like it, and maybe they’d turn up their noses and look through the garbage for some half-eaten rye bread. You just never know with people. You just never know what they’ll like, what you should do for them.

So that’s the Andy Warhol New York City Diet.

 
La Grenouille was and is a fancy eatery in Midtown, by the way. If the above passage teaches you anything, it might be “Don’t take diet advice from thin people.” Having said that, however, the intersection of Warhol and food yields some interesting nuggets.

Not terribly surprisingly, Andy Warhol claimed that his only weakness for nostalgia had to do with the old-style automats like Schrafft’s, for which, remarkably, Warhol did a 60-second commercial in 1968 that consisted of a single voluptuous pan over one of Schrafft’s scrumptious chocolate sundaes. That commercial, alas, appears to be lost to the sands of time, but you can watch a 2014 “re-creation” of the commercial here.

Anyway, here’s Warhol on Schrafft’s and Chock Full O’ Nuts:
 

My favorite restaurant atmosphere has always been the atmosphere of the good, plain, America lunchroom or even the good plain American lunchcounter. The old-style Schrafft’s and the old-style Chock Full O’ Nuts are absolutely the only things in the world that I’m truly nostalgic for. The days were carefree in the 1940s and 1950s when I could go into a Chocks for my cream cheese sandwich with nuts on date-nut bread and not worry about a thing.

 
A few lines later, Warhol writes, “Progress is very important and exciting in everything except food.” But that didn’t prevent him from proposing an eccentric dining solution for lonesome foodies:
 

I really like to eat alone. I want to start a chain of restaurants for other people who are like me called ANDY-MATS—“The Restaurant for the Lonely Person.” You get your food and then you take your tray into a booth and watch television.

 
Incredibly, as the blog Restaurant-ing Through History explains, that ridiculous Andy-Mat idea nearly happened in real life. Below is a picture of Warhol with three associates, architect Araldo Cossutta, developer Geoffrey Leeds, and financier C. Cheever Hardwick III; it appears that the picture was taken at some sort of announcement event for the Andy-Mat, which was to be “an unpretentious neighborhood restaurant serving homely comfort food at reasonable prices which was slated to open in fall of 1977 on Madison Avenue at 74th Street in NYC.”
 

 
For anyone who knows New York, Madison and 74th Street is a terrible place to place an “unpretentious neighborhood restaurant” serving food at “reasonable prices.” The plan was to include “pneumatic tubes through which customers’ orders would be whooshed into the kitchen. The meals served in Andy-Mats, in keeping with the times, were to be frozen dinners requiring only reheating.” Hooray, frozen dinners! Unsurprisingly, the restaurants never happened.

Continues after the jump…

 
This is like the Idiocracy BDSM version of ball gags except these probably don’t have electrolytes in ‘em. ‘Murica, meet the “Silencing Slider” cheeseburger ball gag.

 
Honestly, I can’t think of anything sexier than this. No Thing.

Each “Silencing Slider” is handcrafted in the USA and are made of “soft and non-toxic natural food grade silicone rubber, the gag has no unpleasant plastic smells or odors!”

They’re available for $69 (get it?) at Burger Gag.

 
via Geekologie.