A man’s relationship to his meatstick is, as you might imagine, a highly personal matter. I’ll repeat that: No one should should try to get between a man and his meatstick. Never! It just wouldn’t be right.

“And woe is he who hath no meatstick, for he might as well be a vegetarian”—Shakespeare himself said that (I think).

While a meatstick might take many guises, or boast many girths, or lengths—even odors so distinctive that someone blindfolded would be able to identify each savory, musty flavor with but a quick whiff—there is one special sort of meatstick that can said to be more highly desirable than all the others. It’s slim, Jim. You got that, daddio? No one would mistake this meat for tasting like chicken. It’s a meatstick that appeals to the carnal, carnivorous nature of our ancestry. Let’s just say that it’ll put lead in your pencil, Pete.

When a man’s got a meatstick like this one, he’s proud of it. Who wouldn’t be? He wants to share it with others—show it off a little—but not let them get close enough to take a bite out of it. You can’t run around being reckless with a magnificent meatstick like this one. You have to respect a meatstick of this caliber.

A man and his meatstick…? What the hell am I talking about?

Just watch the video.