My interest in the Olympic volunteer scheme started a year or two ago when billboards sprang up all over London Underground with a close up of Usain Bolt’s sweaty face. The accompanying text invited you to imagine that the 100 metres final was about to begin, and you, as a “Games Maker” (the official term) had just finished polishing the starting blocks or whatever, when Usain Bolt passes by and mutters “Cheers, mate.” The advert takes a breath and then begins a new line:

Usain Bolt just called you mate.

Beneath this it said:

Have you got what it takes to be an Olympic volunteer?

Like low self-esteem? As life experiences go, Usain Bolt calling you “mate” is only marginally better than Gwyneth Paltrow asking you to “get out the way.” Be that as it may, I figured that, if you’d had a hard time, the passing recognition of an “elite athlete” might conceivably prove salutary …

But then just last weekend I spotted a new poster (again on the tube) this time advertising Heathrow (London’s biggest nearby airport), and boasting of its preparations for the Games, among which was the mention of 1000 “Team Heathrow” special Olympic volunteers!

One can only imagine the delight on a Games Maker’s face when, tearing apart the envelope containing their Olympic “mission” (excited to know exactly where in the Olympic Village they’d be helping out), they discovered that they were – oh happy day! – expected down at Heathrow, that notoriously unpleasant environmental albatross slung about the neck of Greater London, a place I’d as soon volunteer at as I would an out-of-town abattoir.

I looked a little closer into “Team Heathrow.” While it was definitely receiving a significant siphoned influx of would-be Olympics volunteers (the aforementioned 1000, essentially), it transpired that it does actually exist at all times as a voluntary Heathrow work force – normally consisting of a handful of sad and quite possibly insane persons willing to sacrifice a part of their week to help out at this lucrative private business. Call me cynical, but it seemed that Team Heathrow existed for those occasions when the airport receives an especially large influx of incomers (as at the Olympics) and doesn’t fancy denting its extra profits with extra paid employment.

Understandably, the Team Heathrow website is currently lavishing emphasis on the Olympic aspect of its Dadaist spin on philanthropy. So, when the website boldly raises the mind-bending conundrum “What’s In It For You?” the very first bullet-pointed response mentions “ the excitement of the world’s greatest event,” before proceeding with what I presume are the typical “incentives” touted the rest of the time:

· A unique branded uniform for you to wear. (sic)
· Enjoy complimentary refreshments while volunteering.
· Make new friends, contacts and network.

Plus my own personal favorite:

The opportunity to stay on as a volunteer at Heathrow after the Games.

If you’re lucky, eh!

Then there’s the following Team Heathrow no-expense-spared promo video, which is full of good stuff. For volunteer David Williams, “becoming part of Heathrow is just a dream really” [my emphasis], while Paul Jowet opines that “to be working in an iconic place like Heathrow [!] and then to have the Olympics as part of it – what more could any of us ask for” [Like money? Again, my emphasis]. And what about Mr Jowet’s buddies, any of them jumped at this dream ticket? “Some of my friends I play golf with have showed a lot of interest…” he trails off.

But the best sound bite comes courtesy of volunteer Aleen Alarice:

“I can’t wait to welcome Usain Bolt!!!”

Have you got that in writing, Aleen?