Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend is a DVD intended to provide a sort of simulated “boyfriend” experience, but only if your idea of a boyfriend is an obsessive simpering weirdo. The half hour performance feels like it was created by aliens who based their idea of heterosexual romance on a amalgam of sexist sitcoms. The “boyfriend” (shudder), compliments you on your thinness on one hand, while telling you how unattractive thin models are on the other. He buys you flowers, and does an extensive amount of chores, including your “hand-washing” (I’ve never trusted, let alone asked, a boyfriend to wash a bra in my life, but to each her own.) The entire thing is just watching a dude fawn and coo; it’s legitimately unnerving.

At the end of the “film,” the creeper proposes to you, and the camera actually refocuses in on the ring, as the the man becomes a blur in the background. How’s that for a symbol of matrimonial obsession?

While I assumed this “model boyfriend” was a total fabrication of what really obtuse men think women want, I checked around, just to see if there were any actual women endorsing the DVD. And holy god. I think I may have found her. Below is the single Amazon product review for Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend. Spelling errors have been preserved for posterity.

I got this out of curiousity and because it looked fun.People might think it’s lame, but it’s not. Just fun for the single girl. With all the good vibes and compliments he had, my “boyfriend” actually put me in a good mood! Sure, he’s just on a dvd and there isn’t anything interactive about him, but that’s sort of the point. You just sit back, relax and enjoy him complimenting you.

I work hard like most people, so it felt nice to be doted on, even if it was only pretend. Something about someone paying so much attention to you and thinking your special really is nice, so I guess now I know a little bit about what it feels like to have a boyfriend.

As to the content, I won’t spoil everything, but I will tell you that he treats you like a princess and “takes” you on vacations. (He just talks about taking you there.) He actually asks how your day was, too, and does chores. The ending is nice as well.

While the DVD is pretty good, I do have a few complaints.

It could have come with a rating. I was expecting something G or PG-rated, but it caught me off gaurd when he suggested getting in the shower with him and scrubbing my back and later started talking about, um, “relations”, to put it delicately. (Nothing graphic, mind you, just about his friends rating thier girlfriends and saying that “out of ten you’d be an eleven.”) Seeing him in a towel I could’ve also done without, particularly when he started showing a lot of leg. (Don’t worry, he keeps it on and changes off screen.) It’s not that I don’t like seeing guys in towels, but when that much leg is shown (his thigh, to be exact) I get uncomfortable. I know it’s nothing terrible compared to what you might see in a TV show, but some of the things I mentioned did manage to make me blush. Anyway, while it looks cute and innocent from the cover, I don’t think it’s suitable for a minor.

The editing or something wasn’t that great. While I watched it I’m pretty sure I heared the camera man or someone cough off-screen. Also, I think it’s kind of sad how you can tell it was shot in a very small studio, but I guess they didn’t have a very big budget.

Maybe it’s me, but the producers of this video could’ve found a more attractive man to portray the ideal boyfriend. The dude they picked is cute, but not gorgeous. A male model with some acting skills would’ve been better. There are quite a few moments in the dvd where all you do is stare at him for at least two minutes. I’d feel much happier doing that if he looked more like Tom Welling or Wentworth Miller. Too bad it didn’t come with a selection of men to choose from. That would’ve been nice.

All in all, it’s a fun dvd if you want to waste time or feel like being praised and doted on after a hard day’s work, but really is no substitute for a real boyfriend.

Jesus fucking Christ, I hope that review is trolling me, because if this really is the earnest review of woman who truly got some sort of emotional satisfaction out of this DVD… I will personally find her a flesh-and-blood boyfriend. Below is the video… I watched the whole thing, and I’m pretty sure it eviscerated any interest I may have had in future human intimacy. Good luck.