Baba Dez’s lingam explores the peach-fuzzed meatpit of mortal delight as a dakini prepares to take flight

Tommy Wiseau has some competition.

Sex Magic looks like a film version of the life of Casanova co-written by Barbara Cartland and Bhagwan Rajneesh and starring a middle-aged Jeff Spicoli as the Giacomo dude. Fans of The Secret will gobble this up like freshly ejaculated love juice spewed from the loins of attraction.

The film’s synopsis is filled with some real howlers:

BABA DEZ, a renowned polyamorous (multiple relationships), sacred sexual healer, and the Girl, MAYA, is a Priestess of the Temple Arts, with a history of sexual abuse. To get her back, Dez must embark on a heroic journey, one that pitches him into a labyrinth of philosophical challenges and contradictions.

A prominent sacred sexual healer, Baba Dez is a pillar of the Sacred Sexuality practitioner community. His work is doing sexual healing with clients to help them overcome past abuse issues, or just to enrich their sexual and spiritual lives. He also organizes Sex and Consciousness Conferences around the world. His life’s goal is no less then to save the planet by “doing the work.” Of his many apprentices, Dez has chosen Maya (meaning illusion in Hinduism), a beautiful aspiring Tantrica to be his queen. Maya is the perfect feminine reflection of himself, albeit much younger and far less experienced. Together they host international conferences, inevitably rendezvousing with a myriad of Dez’s lovers, both former and current. But pursuing a life of pleasure turns out to be not so pleasurable for Maya, evoking long-buried issues of jealousy and abandonment. Repulsed by the continual parade of Dez’s lovers, Maya can take no more and she leaves him.

She explains the reason she left was that he had been with too many women. When asked, Dez reluctantly admits he’s been with 1 to 2 thousand women.

In addition to the devastation of the loss of his queen, a rumor circulates that he’s inappropriately using his lingam (penis) in healing work with his clients. This is perpetuated from a dakini he mentored, who also accuses him of inappropriately coming on to her, saying he has an insatiable need.

Dez explains it’s dangerous for a man to do this work, suggesting it’s the “wounded feminine lashing out.” He turns inward, to a path of celibacy, although he continues to move his energy through his self-pleasuring ritual (non-ejaculatory masturbating).

But celibacy doesn’t last long. Dez goes to Hawaii with two lovers; one a raw food chef, the other an accomplished writer and sacred sexual healer. Together, they’re writing a book about Sex Magic; the process of creating a god connection through love making to manifest one’s dreams and desires.

Married and with a young child of her own, Dez’s co-writer claims that by making love with Dez, she’s able to “download” all his wisdom given to him by his teachers. And for Dez, she “holds space” for Maya’s return. I n a fun-filled week’s vacation they visit a secret Yoni (vagina) Cave where ancient Hawaiians performed fertility rituals, pick fresh fruits & vegetables to the delight of the raw food chef, work on the book, and frolic in the sun & surf. That is until Maya calls.

While some may see an existential crisis in the clash between a man’s belief system and his reality, Dez stays resolutely confident that Sex Magic works and will manifest the return of his beloved Maya.

“When asked, Dez reluctantly admits he’s been with 1 to 2 thousand women.”

Friends, tell me, wouldn’t you know whether you had sex with 1000 or 2000 partners? Or do all those Dakini’s kind of merge into one big tantric bowl of amorphous sexual gumbo?

I don’t feel much sex or magic coming off this trailer. It looks about as appealing as a box of popcorn drenched in Kama Sutra oil. A date movie for naive new agers who think ‘The Pillow Book’ is a catalog from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Can’t wait to see it. My kundalini is doing cartwheels.