Yes! It’s true! You too can write like Mark E. Smith!
At home. In the pub. In your spare time. Sober or drunk—you can write just like Salford’s most famous son!
In The Mark E. Smith ‘Guide To Writing’ Guide—The Fall’s frontman Mark E. Smith takes you thru a step-by-step, day-by-day guide to writing.
No tiresome exercises! No unsightly stains! No tricks!
Use big words and know what they mean!
Impress your friends! Attract strangers with your belligerent antics! Drink pints and not be sick!
Yes! Mark will teach you everything you need to know about writing and how to be a real writer—just like the legendary Mark E. Smith himself.
Seems reasonable.
Yes, this man could be the key to unlocking your future…or drinks cabinet…which ever’s nearest.
In 1983, Mark E. Smith—him with the face like a crumpled cardboard box left out in the rain—gave his top tips on how best to write like a pro. It went like this:
Hello I’m Mark E. Smith and this is The Mark E. Smith ‘Guide To Writing’ Guide.
Day-by-day breakdown
Day One: Hang around house all day writing bits of useless information on bits of paper
Day Two: Decide lack of inspiration due to too much isolation and non-fraternisation. Go to pub. Have drinks.
Day Three: Get up and go to pub. Hold on in there a style is on it’s way. Through sheer boredom and drunkenness, talk to people in pub.
Day Four: By now, people in the pub should be continually getting on your nerves. Write things about them on backs of beer mats.
Day Five: Go to pub. This is where true penmanship stamina comes into its own as by now, guilt, drunkenness, the people in the pub and the fact you’re one of them should combine to enable you to write out of sheer vexation. To write out of sheer vexation.
Day Six: If possible stay home. And write. If not go to pub.
Mark’s point is there is no real advice any writer can give on how to write—other than write.
Writers write—whether at home, in a bar, wherever, whenever. It’s all dedication and hard work—a lonely, sedentary toil with damn little cheer other than the pleasure of putting one word after another day after day.
To be fair, Mark E. Smith has been a consistent highlight over the past forty years—you might not always agree with his more outlandish statements or groove to the beat of his band—but The Fall has provided some essential listening over the past five decades. In fact, we’re all damned lucky to be alive at the same time as the great Mark E. Smith. And if any politician in his hometown of Salford had any clout they’d think about honoring one of their most talented sons. If New York can rename their airport after an albeit dead President; if Liverpool can rename their airport after a(n also dead) Beatle; isn’t it time for Salford (or his birth town Broughton) to rename a bus station after Mark or at the very least a bar? Surely, he shouldn’t have to die first…?