If you aren’t intensely following the developments of the Ammon Bundy-led heavily armed “peaceful protest” currently going on at the Oregon nature preserve, lemme tell ya, you are missing some Grade A comedy gold. Like how a fake “Ammon Bundy” on Twitter had hoaxed several mainstream media outlets. (The bearded cowboy derp with the big gun in Oregon is not on Twitter but apparently thought the parody account, this ersatz “Ammon Bundy” did a pretty good job of representing his “philosophy.” It’s a great detail, isn’t it?).
And now Donald Trump is weighing in, telling the New York Times editorial board:
“I think what I’d do, as president, is I would make a phone call to whoever, to the group. I’d talk to the leader. I would talk to him and I would say, ‘You gotta get out — come see me, but you gotta get out.”
It just keeps getting better and better. The latest news has a “representative” from the Trump campaign showing up with a camera crew to assist the militia group against “psychological warfare.”
I mean, what is this thing anyway? A sequel to Waiting for Guffman, with a Posse Comatose perhaps? Is it Blazing Saddles directed by Alex Jones?
Or perhaps it’s an Americanized take on Chris Morris’ darkly funny incompetent terrorist comedy Four Lions? I like that last notion the best, but as I am currently (like many of you reading this, I’m sure) binge watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, I can’t help but to hope that they are rolling video 24/7 at the protest.
Like imagine how this video, a “selfie” meant ostensibly for his wife and children, shot by self-promoting, self-aggrandizing “patriot” anti-Muslim hate crime-waiting-to-happen Jon Ritzheimer might be used in the context of a ten hour, true life Netflix mockumentary about this event. In the clip, Ritzheimer, then en route to the Oregon Mensa gathering at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, tearfully explains how “Daddy took an oath!”
Wow! He’s the fucking best, right? I can’t get enough of this goofy human time bomb.
But another colorful figure is starting to grab some of the spotlight…
Meet LaVoy Finicum...
LaVoy Finicum! This has to be the best name for a gun-toting rural rube since something WC Fields came up with, like Elmer Prettywillie or J. Pinkerton Snoopington… LaVoy fucking Finicum! Say it aloud for the maximum comic effect.
If you google his name, you’ll see that LaVoy Finicum is a fellow rancher and supporter of Cliven Bundy, Ammon’s daffy pappy and advisor to “the negro.” Finicum is also the author of the self-published quasi-apocalyptic anti-government novel Only By Blood and Suffering. Here’s his own blurb for the book, taken from Amazon:
Tells of a family’s struggle to come together and survive in the midst of national crisis. A stirring, fast-paced novel about what matters most in the face of devastating end-times chaos. Filled with gripping action and relatable characters, readers are drawn into the heart-rending dilemmas each member of the Bonham family faces. You may even find yourself stopping to ask, “What would I do?” LaVoy Finicum is a real life Northern Arizona Rancher who loves nothing more in life than God, freedom, and family. His spine tingling storytelling conveys in graphic detail just how fragile and precious freedom truly is and leaves his readers with an increased desire to stand for freedom
LaVoy Finicum also has a website to promote himself and his novel, OneCowboysStandForFreedom.com. Since joining up with Ammon Bundy in Oregon, Finicum was tweeted, several times, to get the word out on his book.
https://t.co/vmhDe4R8f1 Start the new year off with a good book
— LaVoy Finicum (@OneCowboysStand) January 2, 2016I’m quite sure that, well, with a name like his that LaVoy Finicum is sincere about his goofy anti-government beliefs, but I also can’t help but wonder if he’s just trying to siphon off a lil’ of Ammon Bundy’s media spotlight to help himself to sell a few books?
Or maybe he’s just a complete nutjob?
Let’s let the man speak for himself. Here’s what he told an NBC reporter about how far he would go to defend his “freedom”:
LaVoy Finicum is also on Facebook, where his wall is currently filled with people calling him a fucking idiot and stuff like that.
Like I was saying if this isn’t Waiting for Guffman meets Blazing Saddles meets Four Lions in a Venn diagram with Fox News and a ten-part Netflix documentary series, I don’t know what would be. I can’t wait to see how it all turns out, but I strongly suspect that we’ll be seeing Jon Ritzheimer interviewed in the final episode wearing an orange jumpsuit and that this won’t be the last we’ll hear from LaVoy Finicum.
These nincompoops are lucky they’re not Black or Muslim because they’d all be fucking dead by now.
Seth Meyers looks at the Oregon “rebellion”...
Stayed tuned for another installment of America’s collective IQ test in 2016…