‘Lick It Up’: The bizarre rumour that Gene Simmons was part bovine
When people talk about the 21st century destroying the ‘mystique’ of our rock and roll heroes, it’s stories like this that they’re talking about.
One wonders the fun we could have if we didn’t have complete and unfiltered access to our heroes of today, thanks to social media and the professional-grade cameras in the entire world’s pocket.
Perhaps the celebrated solo career of Geese frontman Cameron Winter could have been conducted in secret, with the fact that he’s also the frontman of one of the most celebrated indie bands of the day nothing more than a tantalising rumour. Maybe Charli XCX’s Boiler Room sets would be nothing more than a “you had to be there” legend, rather than something we have livestream footage of her (allegedly) taking a bump of cocaine from.
Granted, there are a couple of acts that’ve kept an air of mystery. Masked rapper EsDeeKid has gained several column inches from the rumours that he’s Timothée Chalamet in disguise. Brittany Howard managed to keep the reunion of her band Alabama Shakes an almost complete secret until unveiling it in front of an absolutely thunderstruck audience for one of her solo shows. These are rare, but when they work, they become some of the biggest stories in music, showing how much we yearn for legends again.
One could also point to the success of masked metal bands like Ghost, Sleep Token and Presidents as proof of how much we miss the mystique of rock legends gone by. However, even in those cases, we actually do know the identity of pretty much the entire lineup of those bands, thanks not only to social media, but even more depressing things like copyright credits. Then, the mystery becomes more like a fandom-wide agreement to keep kayfabe alive. In some cases, this might actually be more like the rock legends of old than you’d assume.
Especially in the case of Kiss bassist Gene Simmons, who has a bunch of stories surrounding him that are as lame as they are gross.
What are the stories surrounding Gene Simmons?
The thing about Kiss is that the mythology supports their aesthetic more than the actual music does. It’s been mentioned before by several more intelligent music-lovers than I, but if you took all the bollocks away from Kiss, you’d essentially be left with Cheap Trick, but not as good. Thus, they’ve always needed all the help they can get to come across as rock ‘n’ roll Gods of the underworld and not the power-pop dorks they almost certainly are.
The face paint, the pyro, the flying around on stage, you name it, it all came from the band themselves as a way of distracting from the fact that they’re as normal a bunch of New Yorkers as you can possibly find, at least, for the most part.
The least normal aspect of them can be found right in Gene Simmons’ mouth, and it’s a surprisingly easy thing to see since the smug prick won’t ever shut up when he should. It’s not the bullshit that continuously spews forth from his mouth, though, but his shockingly long, unnervingly prehensile tongue.
From the very beginning, the tongue of Gene Simmons was a key part of his “demon” persona. To the extent that one of the most pervasive rumours ever associated with Kiss is directly connected to it. In order to get his tongue to the desired length, he surgically grafted a cow’s tongue on top of his existing one. Thankfully, it’s not true. Simmons really was just born that way, but looking at the moments that Simmons has spat blood onstage, you can see why it stays with the band to this day.
You see? Sometimes you really are better off without the myths.