I seldom write about political matters anymore on DM because there’s an assumption that if you hate Republicans then you must automatically be a Democrat and I got tired of offering the disclaimer that the only reason I would ever vote for a Democrat is to keep the Republican out of office. Not only that, once-reliable traffic-generators like “Glenn Beck says something OFF THE WALL (again)” or “Sarah Palin says something IDIOTIC (again)” don’t really bring in that much traffic anymore. Republicans are fucking idiots. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t be Republicans. Most people who read this blog probably don’t need anyone, including me, explaining that to them. I prefer to ignore them.

Today, though, I’m making an exception for the #1 dumbest rightwing reaction to Stephen Colbert taking over for David Letterman. This is just too good.

Young Ben Shapiro was once the wimpy “boy wonder” to Andrew Breitbart’s blob-shaped crusader and he usually makes about as much sense as his blustery late mentor, except that no one takes him nearly as seriously. Lil’ Ben is now the editor of a silly blog called Truth Revolt that no one reads except for lefty bloggers who want to mock him. He’s written a new book called How to Debate Leftists and Destroy Them and he’s proud of the fact that he was still a virgin on his wedding day.

Shapiro possesses pretty much the most punchable face I think I’ve ever seen. He fills me with visceral hatred. Which is kind of funny because in his latest Truth Revolt “think piece” Shapiro makes an inadvertently hilarious argument for the comedic genius, not to mention vital cultural importance of Stephen Colbert by complaining that:

“It is nearly impossible to watch an episode of The Colbert Report without coming away with a viscerally negative response to conservatives.”

Sharply observed, fuckwit! Give that man a Kewpie Doll…

But in the wake of all the conservative hand-wringing about Colbert replacing Letterman (Rush Limbaugh said that CBS was declaring “war” on the heartland with this pick) Babyface Ben sees something far more sinister going on:  Colbert IS a racist! He’s a racist against conservatives!

Blackface, which has an ugly history dating back to at least the fifteenth century according to historian John Strausbaugh, was used to portray demeaning and horrifying stereotypes of blacks. Such stereotypical imitation has not been limited to blacks, of course; actors tasked with playing stereotypical Jew Shylock often donned a fake nose and red wig, as did actors who were supposed to play Barabas in The Jew of Malta. Such stereotypical potrayals [sic] create a false sense of blacks, or Jews, or whomever becomes the target of such nastiness.

And this is precisely what Colbert does with regard to politics: he engages in Conservativeface. He needs no makeup or bulbous appendage to play a conservative – after all, conservatives come in every shape and size. Instead, he acts as though he is a conservative – an idiotic, racist, sexist, bigoted, brutal conservative. He out-Archie Bunkers Archie Bunker. His audience laughs and scoffs at brutal religious “Colbert” who wishes to persecute gays; they chortle at evil sexist “Colbert” who thinks men are victims of sexism. This is the purpose of Colbert’s routine. His show is about pure hatred for conservatives in the same way that blackface was about pure hatred of blacks. In order to justify their racism, racists had to create a false perception of blacks; in the same way, Colbert and his audience can justify their racism only by creating a false perception of conservatives.

No, no Ben, you’re confused. Colbert gives a very, very, very accurate portrayal of conservatives. Didn’t you just write:

“It is nearly impossible to watch an episode of The Colbert Report without coming away with a viscerally negative response to conservatives.”

It’s because conservatives are assholes, Ben. Like you. Someone who doesn’t get the fucking joke..

The comments below Shapiro’s logic-addled rant are as delicious as you might expect:

The only thing this article accomplished is making me think that I might not be too sad if society as a whole started systematically disenfranchising and dehumanizing conservatives. After all, if this guy is that attached to the blackface metaphor he should at least get to experience it for real firsthand.

Here’s another:

Is this an article or a rationalization? Sounds like more right wing sour grapes to me. Colbert’s character is successful because it is such a dead-on satire. You can listen to Rush and Fox News and conclude that Colbert is misrepresenting them as somehow worse, or more extreme than they really are? Laughable. Go re-examine your life. You’re on the wrong side.

Tee-hee. Expecting self-awareness from the likes of lil’ Ben seems a tad far-fetched, though.

Oh, brother. There’s this thing called satire and it always exagerrates its subject. That’s how it works. Minstrel shows weren’t satire. They were mockery and cultural appropriation. Is Mr Shapiro claiming that people are born conservative and Mr Colbert is stereotyping the entire conservative “race?”

Or…

BUT WHOOOOO WILL THINK OF THE BILLIONAIRE INDUSTRIALISTS AND UNEDUCATED SOUTHERN WHITE BIGOTS??

What about?

it’s almost as if you’re providing the source material for him to be successful…oh wait, you have

Here’s another good one:

You just compared the schtick of a comedian on a comedy network to the institutional and societal approved degradation of a entire race of people. Which in addition to being monumentally stupid is also precisely why folks like Colbert mock conservatives, your feigned attempts at equivocating always shines a light on the underbelly of your magnificent ignorance.

Not sure if Ben Shapiro and Truth Revolt are important enough targets for Colbert and his writers to take notice of—some attention from him is what Shapiro seems to be aiming for with this insipid drivel—but it would be amusing to hear their take on how the author of How to Debate Leftists and Destroy Them scored such a humiliating own goal.

Meanwhile, Colbert did what he does best on last night’s program, totally pwning “Papa Bear”:
 

 
First off, I want to make it clear at the outset that I am firmly in the camp of people who simply cannot believe Al Sharpton, of all freaking people, has his own show on a supposedly respectable news network. As a former New Yorker, to me Al Sharpton is always going to be the asshole shooting off his mouth off about the Tawana Brawley “case” on The Morton Downey Jr. Show and who had a special knack for showing up whenever TV cameras were around. The guy pictured with curlers in his hair at the beauty parlor. The idiotic showboater in the full-length fur coat.

Even if I do tend to agree with much of what Sharpton seems to believe these days, it’s still a joke that the Tawana Brawley guy was invited to become one of the primary faces of a major cable news network. At what point did Al Sharpton stop being the Tawana Brawley guy? The dude is no human trademark for MSNBC’s credibility as a news source, that’s for certain. He’s not a journalist, he’s the goddamned Tawana Brawley guy.

It’s pathetic, basically, is what it is. But… whatever.

Leave it to Ben Shapiro, one-time Robin to Andrew Breitbart’s Batman, to trump even the already admittedly sad fact that Al Sharpton has his own show on MSNBC with something even more pathetic in the process of trying to call attention to to how sad it is that Sharpton is on MSNBC.

Apparently, boy blunder Ben has found another father figure in the form of one-time prominent New Left writer turned raging crazypants conservative David Horowitz (a man with well-documented daddy issues of his own, of course). They’re teaming up for “TruthRevolt” something that Shapiro describes as a rightwing version of Media Matters.

TruthRevolt, eh? I guess that URL was free…

Horowitz, a man who once associated with the greatest lefty publication in American history, Ramparts—a magazine that published the likes of Susan Sontag, Hunter S. Thompson, Angela Davis, Noam Chomsky, Seymour Hersh, Thomas Merton, Allen Ginsberg and Robert Scheer—had this to say about his venture with the 29-year-old Shapiro, the wimpy Doogie Howser of the house that Breitbart built:

Today, the David Horowitz Freedom Center is launching TruthRevolt, a much-needed campaign to expose the hypocrisies and mendacities of the leftwing media. A brainchild of Ben Shapiro, TruthRevolt is a groundbreaking initiative to engage in investigative journalism about the leftwing media figures who produce radical ideology masquerading as “news” and feed it to the American public as objective journalism.

So says a man who went from the journalistic heights of the fabled Ramparts magazine to associating himself with off-the-scale bughouse nutcases like Pamela Geller and Robert Spencer.

So what’s gonna be the first “groundbreaking initiative” in TruthRevolt’s “investigative journalism,” you wonder?

They’re calling for a boycott of Ritz Crackers.

Scratching your head over that one? Gather ‘round children, Lil’ Ben’s got a history lesson for ya:

In 1994, Sharpton stood before a crowd at Kean College in New Jersey. “White folks was in the caves while we was building empires,” he said. “We built pyramids before Donald Trump even knew what architecture was … We taught philosophy and astrology [sic] and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it … Do some cracker come and tell you, ‘Well my mother and father blood go back to the Mayflower,’ you better hold your pocket. That ain’t nothing to be proud of, that means their forefathers was crooks.”

Oh please, Al Sharpton said shit like that ALL THE TIME back then. No one gave a shit then, no one gives a shit now. He’s also been on MSNBC—as ridiculous as that seems to me, too—for two years. At a time when the country is being threatened by a small cadre of GOP lunatics, no matter if you support those lunatics or oppose their aims, WHY did David Horowitz and his derpy “low T” pal Ben Shapiro think that they’d receive anything but brutal mockery by media types for PROPOSING A RITZ CRACKER BOYCOTT during a time of a constitutional crisis because Al Sharpton called white people “crackers” TWENTY YEARS AGO???

Although Ben Shapiro IS right about Al Sharpton, the fruit there is hanging so low it’s simply pitiful. There wasn’t even one PR “genius” in David Horowitz’s “thinktank” who could’ve said “Uh, guys, we’re going to look like a bunch of fucking idiots launching this thing right now”?

Apparently not! Even the reliably stupid Daily Caller thinks Shapiro’s new hobby is idiotic: “What a proud moment in conservative history,” deadpanned Patrick Howley

It is idiotic. Shapiro is encouraging his braindead readers to tweet @RitzCrackers with hashtag #SharptonsCrackers.

Al Sharpton. Ben Shapiro. Ritz Crackers. I can’t even waste another minute of my life writing about this epically insignificant cosmic meaninglessness.