The YouTube account with the handle TheParodyQueen is dedicated to Christian parodies of popular songs. As the Queen describes herself, she’s “a wacky blonde who loves writing parodies of all genres with Christian lyrics.”
In fairness, the covers aren’t bad at all and she certainly doesn’t seem very censorious or forbidding about any of it. It’s evident that the Parody Queen and her guitarist know David Bowie’s “Fame” inside and out and even seem to be grooving to it.
Here’s a sample of the lyrics:
Keeps a man from the mirror
Steals hope from tomorrow
Makes you weep and brings you sorrow
A ball and chain through your veins is entertained by bringing you ...
Is it any wonder
It infects and hurts?
Is it any wonder
How Jesus took the curse?
The curious are welcome to peruse the account, which has Christian parodies of songs by Led Zeppelin, the Bee Gees, Gloria Gaynor, CCR, and so on.
And now for my second TIL (“today I learned”) moment (the first was that whole Ronnie James Dio being the singing cartoon frog thing): Apparently there is a subculture (what else would you call it?) of Christian balloon animal performers. They will come to your kid’s parties, Bible camp, Sunday school, nursing home, whatever, and they will tell a Bible story, with a colorful “twist”—make that several!!—that will delight both young and old alike.
Or some bullshit. In any case, yes, there are professional Christian balloon twisters. It seems like an odd ambition to me, but you can buy books and DVDs about it and some of the more established Christian balloon performers are even giving away some of their classic material for newbies who want to spread “the good word” through the art of balloon twisting. If that’s what you’re into.
“Princess, Daddy wants you to wear your pink gown on our date. You look so pure in that one.”
This sort of mindset simply does not compute outside of Christianist fundie circles: The Legacy Institute, run by sexual “purity” advocate Carrie Abbott, is holding a father and daughter “Purity Ball” cotillion in Kenmare, WA next week—it’s already sold out—that promises to be a dads and daughters celebration of intact hymens.
The Purity Ball is only for fathers (or “key male guardians”) and daughters who are aged 12-19. An event celebrating virginity with a strong undercurrent of (hopefully) repressed incest issues. WOW. (Consider for one nanosecond the even WEIRDER proposition of escorting a young virgin who is not even your own biological offspring to such an event as her “key male guardian.” FREAKY DEAKY.)
I get the “good girls” want to meet “fine, upstanding Christian boys” at a chaperoned dance kinda thing, but this? This is fucking demented.
I fervently hope a documentary crew will be on hand to shoot this:
Dads, escort your daughter to an unforgettable event where hundreds of young ladies dressed in formal attire and their dashing fathers will celebrate purity!
This extraordinary evening includes an elegant atmosphere, pictures, gourmet dinner and dessert, flowers, music and other surprises sure to delight both father and daughter.
Legacy’s President and popular speaker, Carrie Abbott, will deliver a unique message to dads and daughters and our Master of Ceremonies will facilitate a purity covenant.
This will be a powerful and life-changing event!
Now that I doubt, but the overall cumulative effect that having this sort of horseshit drilled into their heads for years is probably going to have quite the opposite influence on these young ladies than is intended. Want to insure that your daughter will remain virginal and pure until she’s married in the eyes of God, Christian dads? Then you might want to consider backing off creepy shit like “purity covenants” and breathtakingly twisto events like this one!
Schoolchildren in Louisiana are to be taught that the Loch Ness monster is real in a bid by religious educators to disprove Darwin’s theory of evolution.
These private schools follow a fundamentalist curriculum including the Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) programme to teach controversial religious beliefs aimed at disproving evolution and proving creationism.
One tenet has it that if it can be proved that dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time as man then Darwinism is fatally flawed.
The textbooks in the series are alleged to teach young earth creationism; are hostile towards other religions and other sectors of Christianity, including Roman Catholicism; and present a biased version of history that is often factually incorrect.
One ACE textbook – Biology 1099, Accelerated Christian Education Inc – reads: “Are dinosaurs alive today? Scientists are becoming more convinced of their existence. Have you heard of the ‘Loch Ness Monster’ in Scotland? ‘Nessie’ for short has been recorded on sonar from a small submarine, described by eyewitnesses, and photographed by others. Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur.”
Another claim taught is that a Japanese whaling boat once caught a dinosaur. It’s unclear if the movie Godzilla was the inspiration for this lesson.
Well, If you believe in the existence of one mythical being, why not believe in them all?
Perhaps one day the popular BBC kids show The Family Ness will be revered as gospels:
Watch as a superstitious idiot babbles incoherently speaks in tongues while making an almost comical entreaty to God almighty to spare her from his windy wrath.
Why didn’t she pray for the rest of her town to be spared, too? Fuck her neighbors! Typical American Christian!
And batshit crazy to boot…
As “EternalChaosBringer” quipped on YouTube:
“I’m pretty sure the 39 people who died prayed their asses off to be saved from the tornado too. God could have easily pulled off a miracle for them, but he chose to just coldly take their lives away.”
Just thought I would check in and report on how it’s going on the other side of the world on this momentous day. And I just LOVE this “Prairie-Dog Rapture” pic! Well, so far so good… unless you are a fundie, I guess. No sign of any earthquakes or bodies being mysteriously sucked up into the sky. Yet. There’s still two hours to go ‘til the official kick-off time so you never know, it might happen, but reports from the expanses of the planet that have already hit that 6pm deadline report nothing unusual. Oh, wait, there WERE a couple of earthquakes in the Pacific, but they were small (3-4 on the Richter scale, surely not God bothering size?) and apparently there tends to be a small earthquake somewhere in the Pacific every day anyway.
I am in Ireland at the moment and interestingly (for such a predominantly Catholic country) no one seems too fussed by this whole rapture malarky. Maybe the populace have had other things to think about. This week has seen a royal visit by Queen Elizabeth, the first visit to this isle of a British monarch since Ireland fought for, and won, independence way back in 1922. Now THAT is a momentous occasion. People who would normally be described as “patriots” and who within their own lifetimes have seen periods of real animosity against the British were seen cooing and ahhing at the British monarch’s presence. There were protests, of course, but the turnouts were small, estimated at around the 200 mark. This is what they looked like from the inside:
By all accounts the visit was a roaring success. Liz had a tour of ghostly Dublin, where roads were blocked off to keep people away from her highness. She was brought to Croke Park, the 80,000+ capacity sports arena that has a very special significance in the history of Irish nationalism. Bought by the Gaelic Athletics Association in 1913, it was used to encourage the playing of indigenous sports hurling and Gaelic football (at a time when the country was under strict British rule) and was seen as a hotbed of anti-British conspiracy by the then powers-that-be. It was at Croke Park that the infamous original Bloody Sunday occurred in 1921 when, in retaliation for a number of assassinations by the IRA, the British army and the Royal Irish Constabulary indiscriminately shot into the crowd during a Dublin-Tipperary football match killing 13 spectators and the Tipperary football captain. It was this incident that turned the tide of the war of independence against the British and ultimately led to the withdrawal of British troops from most of the island. The fact that the Queen visited this specific arena says a lot about how far relations between the Irish and the English have come in the resulting ninety years.
Her Madge also stopped off at the Coolmore Stud, the world’s largest breeding centre for thoroughbred horses, and in Cork city made a visit to its famous English Market. That bit was of particular significance to me, as my mother’s family have had a fruit and vegetable stall there for over 100 years. The English Market is a beautiful, hidden treasure in the vastly under-rated city (Cork is MUCH nicer than Dublin!) and could dearly use a boost in visits and trade in this era of multinationalization.
The English Market - the white haired man is my uncle.
Even more excitingly though, for me and a lot of people other people anyway, on Monday we will be being graced by a visit from President of the United States and the First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama. It’s only a flying visit really, as he is on his way to the UK for 4 days, but while here he will be travelling to County Offaly to look up some of his ancestors, and giving a public address on College Green in Dublin city centre. I expect the turn out for this to be very strong, and even though there will be a stepped up security presence, I really don’t think he has anything to worry about. In fact I think he will be greeted by a very warm Irish welcome, something that eluded President Bush a few years back. I won’t be here then, unfortunately, but the Irish media will be supplying day-long rolling coverage of his visit if you are interested in watching. I expect there to be protests too, but they will most likely be Queen-sized.
Anyway, so where was I… oh yes! The Rapture. Hmm, well there’s still a bit of time to kill before believers get hoovered up (or not). If there is any breaking news on this side of the pond I will dutifully report it. Or I might not actually, preferring to spend that time with my family. But for some reason or other all day I just haven’t been able to get this bloody song out of my mind. Any ideas why? Answers in a comment to the usual address…
Since I don’t speak Korean, I don’t want to read too much into the behavior on exhibit here, but it does look a bit strange, even to someone raised in the heart of the Bible belt. Is this a mass infusion of the holy spirt or some sort of (mainly) female shamanism, a variety that doesn’t translate so easily? It really starts to, uh, really cook, at about 1:17 in, but at least sample the beginning, as it makes what follows seem all the more surreal. Pentecostalism Korean-stylee or what?
The same person who posted the video above also posted this. It’s pretty amazing/weird, almost like a Haitian voodoo ceremony. Dig the bongo players!: