A man has denied trying to film up a woman’s skirt, claiming he may have been trying to light a fart.

Brian Whitehead entered a bar in Bristol, England, where he was seen to place a “mystery object under a woman’s clothing as she stood at the bar.”

Whitehead claims to have no memory of the incident, but told police:

“Maybe I was trying to light a fart. It could have been a joke.

“Maybe someone says ‘I bet you a fiver if you light her fart’.”

He was later arrested after he being identified on the bar’s CCTV footage.

At his trial, where Whitehead denies a charge of “committing an act outraging public decency, by placing a camera under a skirt in September last year,” Bar manager Alexander McEvoy Williams, said he was “shocked” when he saw Whitehead’s actions, as the Bristol Post reports:

...Williams told the jury he had been collecting glasses outside the Wetherspoon’s bar when he came back inside and saw a man standing close behind a woman who was chatting at the bar.

He said: “As I approached from outside I saw the male with a black object in his hand. As I drew closer I saw it to be some sort of electronic device with a screen and buttons, either a camera or a mobile phone. I saw the male place the device under the woman’s skirt as she was leant forward, looking at something on the bar. When I saw what happened I initially was so shocked I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. I put the glasses down and I asked the woman if she had seen anything, and she said ‘no’.”

Mr Williams said he went to check the bar’s CCTV to be absolutely sure of what occurred. He said: “I couldn’t believe it, it was so blatant. Another manager has seen it and he said ‘Did you just see that?’

“The CCTV confirmed what we had just seen.”

A picture of Whitehead was displayed at the bar, and when he returned and was recognized, he was arrested. Despite the CCTV evidence to the contrary, Whitehead denies his actions were lewd, insisting he had been drunk. He also denied using a camera or having a sexual motive.

“I don’t remember it clearly. I don’t know what I was doing. I believe I had a Clipper cigarette lighter, a black one. I think it was still in my hand after just having a cigarette,” Whitehead told the court.

It’s unlikely this story will blow over…
 
H/T Popbitch, via the Bristol Post

 
This was the kind of crap David Cronenberg had to endure from the audience at a test screening of his film Videodrome. Thankfully, Mr Cronenberg and his producers were made of stronger stuff, so they could shrug of such comments as:

“I fail to understand what would be accomplished by releasing such a movie on the public. What sort of person could enjoy it.”

Or:

“I consider myself to be an open minded individual - but I would not accept that such a thing would be captivating to the public.”

Oh really?

See a few more audience comments here.
 

 

 
With thanks to Tara McGinley, via Nerdcore and Criterion
 
More bellyachin’, after the jump…
 

 
No comment. More signs here.
 

 

 
Via Someecards
 
More sarcasm after the jump…
 

 
Literally Unbelievable collects stories from The Onion as interpreted on Facebook by people, who, as source of all things interesting, Laughton Sebastian Melmoth points out, “think ‘satire’ means ‘not sat there’”.

The site is curated by Hudson Hongo, who is a contributor to McSweeney’s, The Morning News and The Bygone Bureau.

Check Literally Unbelievable here.
 

 

 

 
With thanks to Laughton Sebastian Melmoth
 

 
The technique is called Fear Selling, it’s how sales and marketing can seal deals by focusing “on the negative consequences of not buying [a] product / service.” A good example of “fear selling” is to be found on The Vivos Underground Survival Network for Surviving 2012 and Beyond, “a privately funded venture, with no religious affiliations,” which wants to help you “survive” the forthcoming catastrophe:

Millions of people believe that we are living in the “end times”.  Many are looking for a viable solution to survive potential future Earth devastating events.  Eventually, our planet will realize another devastating catastrophe, whether manmade, or a cyclical force of nature. Disasters are rare and unexpected, but on any sort of long timeline, they’re inevitable.  It’s time to prepare!

Yep. Time to prepare, and boy is Vivos is preparing by “building a global network of underground shelters, to accommodate thousands of people...[to] provide a life assurance solution for those that wish to be prepared to survive these potential events, whether they occur now, in 2012, or in decades to come.” All for a first down payment of $25,000.

Scared yet? No? Okay, there’s more:

Vivos is in a race against time to complete construction and commissioning of a global network of underground community shelters prior to the predicted December 21, 2012 Mayan date. While this date is the impetus for completing Vivos, the envisioned catastrophic events can happen without notice, this year, next, in 2012, 2029, 2036, or even 100 years thereafter.

Nobody knows if the prophecies will happen, or not.  Scientists understand that the Earth has had a number of catastrophic, periodic events that repeat on a somewhat predictable, or even random basis.  Many current events, both natural and political are pointing to potential a disastrous change.  The process may already be unfolding.  NASA reports that 2012 could bring powerful solar storms, at the peak of the solar cycle; while it is also tracking the Apophis asteroid for what may be an Earth devastating collision in 2029, or 2036.  What if one of these events happens?  We cannot predict, but we can prepare.  Time before the storm!

I know they’re hedging their bets here, but I know you know deep down something, somewhere, is going to happen to somebody, sometime, someplace. And that somebody might just be you. 

And before you say this sounds like the kind of crap you’d expect from Glenn Beck, wait, Mr Snake Oil himself is on the Vivos site:

Learn about the 10|80|10% rule from a recent Glenn Beck show featuring the author of the Survivors Club. Which group are you in?

 
Okay, using Glenn Beck’s probably a bad idea, but look, they’ve got some stuff from the History Channel. Yep. The History Channel, or History as its now known, that channel famous for such historical programs as…er, Ice Road Truckers, Ax Men, Pawn Stars and all those documentaries about Hitler.

Many have predicted events around 2012.  Vivos is not about 2012, but rather preparation for potential catastrophic events, whether they are in our near future or decades beyond.  This History Channel presentation is one of the best on chronicling the Mayan prophecy.

I wonder if History know they’re being associated with this site?

Of course it’s not just the Mayan calendar you have to be worried about, as Vivos points out, there’s various “threat scenarios” from “a pole shift, super volcano eruptions, solar flares, earthquakes, asteroids, tsunamis, nuclear attack, bio terrorism, chemical warfare and even widespread social anarchy.” To help with your decision, they even have a selection of videos that:

...portray many of the most viable threat scenarios that make Vivos necessary for the security and life assurance of your family.

Still not convinced? Well, don’t worry, you have 637 days left to make your mind-up.
 

 
With thanks to Iris Lincoln
 

 
O boy…
 
Via Planet Paul