Once upon a time, there was a video series called Bikini Crime Fighter—now scrubbed from the internet—that was basically just fledgling actresses in bathing suits running around a park while some wheezy kid with a camcorder chased them.  The best part, really, was that he had no windscreen on the microphone, so all of the dialogue was, basically, “WHOOOOOOSH.” I’m not sure why that technically-challenged auteur took down his work, but I thought it was the stuff of inept, accidental genius, and I haven’t stumbled on anything quite as wrong-headed since. Until now.

This is not a hallucination caused by decades of cathode mind-rot, although it certainly feels that way. This was an actual show on an actual TV network (well, USA), targeting actual tweens in that hazy mid 90’s, pre-internet cultural wasteland when Friends was the biggest show on television and everybody was listening to the fucking Offspring. It was not a popular show and were it not for the now equally flat-lined DVD market that spawned a scruffy reissue set five years ago, it might’ve stayed dead forever. And that would’ve been a shame because Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills was clearly one of the nuttiest, kookiest, kinkiest kids’ shows of all time.
 

 
Inspired by similarly themed Japanese shows and riffing off of Power Rangers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TTAFFBH was about a Godlike blob from outer space who forcibly tattoos four rich kids and makes them fight rubber monsters to save the Earth from some asshole named Gorganus. That’s it. That exact plot, over and over, for 40 episodes. The “teens” were all pushing 30 and their outfits consisted of skin-tight spandex and chrome faces that made them look exactly like they were huffing paint shortly before wandering on set.
 

This bird was once a member of The Squigtones.
 
The only cast member of note was David L Lander, AKA Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. He voiced the bad guy’s pet bird. It’s lame and incredible all at once. It looks like it could devolve into porn at any moment or escalate into a blood-spewing gorefest. It never does either, which is probably why it was canceled in a year. Still, if you like high weirdness on a low-budget, this is well worth a look. It will steal a good chunk of your sanity, but everything’s got a price.
 
Watch it, after the jump…

 
I’m staunchly supportive of early sex education, I’m certainly all for childhood body positivity—especially in these days of surgical and Photoshop fantasy—and I also don’t think the efficacy or value of children’s programming should me measured by its appeal to adults—sometimes kids shows are visually and aurally lurid to compete with a clamorous world (also, a lot of kids just have bad taste at that age). However, the body positive kids’ sex education web show “Baby! Love Your Body!” really challenges my allegiance to a carefree and liberated vision of childhood. It’s intended for children as young as three, but maybe it shouldn’t be?

Borne of energetic French feminists “Fannie Sosa” and “Poussy Draama” (who—shocker—both belong to an art collective called School of No Big Deal), “Baby! Love Your Body!” is what happens when the impetus for cultural liberalism—apparently at all costs—supersedes all instinct for appealing to a popular audience. It starts with a value-neutral tour of vaginal slang, with all your favorites included. Then it makes a quick left turn with two people dressed up as raver vaginas. From there we see some confusingly metaphorical portrayals of sex and masturbation interpreted with erratic dancing, and then it just completely abandons narrative with a “Through the Looking Glass” love canal adventure. Yes… someone enters a vagina and a psychedelic journey ensures.

There is only one episode so far, but it’s been done in English and in French—I’ve blessed you all with the disorientingly English-dubbed version below. The tone is manic with the sort of exhausting, heavy-handed enthusiasm and good cheer that afflicts so much children’s programming these days, but I could see kids responding well to it even if I didn’t. I give Fannie and Poussy a hard time, but in spite of some some absurdly prudish backlash, I think the show could actually be useful—if parents can handle the acid-trip presentation. For those of you who might prefer a more sedate teaching tool—may I suggest a nice, sterile anatomy textbook, preferably in Danish.
 

 
Yes! Feelgood British TV sensation Rastamouse is to appear live, with bandmates Scratchy and Zoomer of the Easy Crew,  at this year’s Gastonbury Festival. From the festival’s website:

Rastamouse, the reggae-playing, crime-fighting mouse who’s become something of a phenomenon since hitting TV screens at the beginning of this year, will make his worldwide live debut at this year’s Festival, with a daily performance alongside his Easy Crew.

I’m guessing they will be performing the single “Ice Popp”. Yes, the show has been so popular that they have released a single. Here’s the video, and you can buy “Ice Popp” here.  
 
Rastamouse and The Easy Crew ft Toots, Gladstone & Ice Popp - “Ice Popp”
 

 
Previously on DM:
New BBC TV kids show Rastamouse