Cynthia Plaster Caster’s wild bid for Chicago mayor in 2010 for the Hard Party
It’s a cynical, yet fairly convincing argument that the only reason anyone does anything is to get laid. There are a few people who built their entire livelihoods off the back of that desire to have sex, and there’s basically no one who owes their notoriety to that fact quite like the mighty Cynthia Plaster Caster.
If the name isn’t familiar to you, the deeds certainly are. Cynthia Dorothy Albritton was a Chicago native who fell for rock ‘n’ roll music while she was studying art at the University of Illinois. She immersed herself in the local rock scene and, in doing so, discovered an early incarnation of hippiedom, one that had absolutely taken the concept of free love and started to run with it.
This was on her mind so much that when one of her art teachers set her class the task of plaster casting “something solid”, there was only one thing she was going to cast.
By her own admission, the act of casting erect penises in plaster was “shtick to get laid”, but soon afterwards, especially after she began modelling the cocks of rock stars in plaster, Cynthia began seeing it as an art form.
This led to a decades-long career in art that saw her gain fans in everyone from Frank Zappa to Miley Cyrus. However, there are only so many hours in the day that casting hard-ons in plaster can fill. Keeping one up for that long, after all, can you imagine?!
Thus, it was only a matter of time before Caster decided to turn her efforts towards pursuits beyond the realm of private parts-based art. However, no one could have seen her next career move coming. Probably much in the same way that no one could have foreseen her initial move into art, but if there was one thing that Cynthia could do, it was shock people. In 2010, she announced that she would attempt to take her talents to City Hall.
That’s right, Cynthia Plaster Caster went into politics. Something that gets looked past in amongst all the dicks and boobs and the like is the fact that Cynthia is as proud a Chicagoan as you could ever get. She never lived anywhere else in her life and loved the city like a sibling – that was the reason that she decided to stand as a candidate in the 2011 Chicago Mayor elections, when the then-incumbent Mayor Richard Daley announced he would not be seeking re-election after 22 years in office.
In a press release put out in October 2010, she detailed her reasons behind this sudden change of career. At the time, Chicago was in a pretty staggering economic decline, and she ran on a populist ticket to focus less on politics and more on the great people of the city, saying, “I am not a politician, I am an everyday citizen that is sick and tired of seeing the problems of our city escalate.”
She elaborated, Our city requires a leader who is willing to focus more on the needs of the people and less on politics! I am participating to ensure that as your next mayor, I WILL put the needs of the people above the need to be politically correct.”
Spectacularly, Cynthia didn’t use her birth name on the ticket, running as “Cynthia Plaster Caster” as part of the (and I’m not making this up) ‘Hard Party’. It went about as well as you’d expect, but perhaps we could learn from it today.
After all, someone in politics needs to know how to handle a bunch of stiff, hollow, blindingly white, clearly artificial dicks, don’t they?