Credit: Dangerous Minds / Trump Steaks

When Donald Trump was elected president in 2016, a number of people emboldened by his racism, sexism and clear desire to enact the fascist takeover of the United States we’re seeing today hid their delight at seeing a bigoted tyrant run the country by saying that he was good for the job because he was a good businessman.

This is demonstrably not true. Not only does he have the kind of business acumen that bankrupts casinos, but the man also has the kind of business acumen that bankrupts several casinos. Trump himself has declared bankruptcy on around seven occasions and has bragged numerous times that part of how smart he is with money comes from not paying taxes. Clearly, the man is a living, breathing reminder that men can more or less do what they want and get away with it scot free.

While that fact is clearly the appeal of the alleged child molester, what exactly has he done that has been so successful? It’s a fine question. People swear blind that they’re drawn to his politics because he’s a smart, successful guy and not that he’s a fascist who’ll give people like him an easier life at the expense of others. Where does this idea that he’s anything other than a professional failson come from? Honestly, that ability to keep his brand alive is the answer. Alongside generational wealth, meaning that he can always get bailed out when he really fucks up.

Because that’s the honest answer here. The man has the Trump brand, and for decades, he’s attached it to things that people think are cool. That’s it. That’s the long and the short of it. He hasn’t created anything. He hasn’t thought of anything. He just has a big gold Trump branding pole and puts the name on things. It makes sense that his presidency came from using social media; he is nothing more than an influencer.

And even then, it’s not often that this gambit actually works. In fact, it often blows up in his face. For more proof of this, look no further than the absurd ure of Trump Steaks.

What on earth were Trump Steaks?

Well, Trump Steaks were pretty much exactly what it says on the tin, except somehow even stupider than you’d think.

The Trump Organization filed the copyright in 2006, but what set this off as a bad idea right from the start was the distribution method. You see, Trump Steaks were the result of a deal between the Trump Organization and The Sharper Image…a brand that seems to sell everything except food. They hawked things like air purifiers and home electronics and had never spent a day in the food industry.

Of course, neither had the Trump Organization, but that didn’t seem to matter to anyone. The brand launched properly in May 2007, and right from the off, it was launched at the building. The hopelessly uninspired branding of it (the tagline was literally “the world’s greatest steaks”) wasn’t a great start, but the real issues started when people started analysing the quality of the steaks themselves. Would you believe it, the product Trump was hawking wasn’t up to scratch. I know, I was surprised too.

No taste test could discern Trump Steaks from any budget steak on the market. Which was an issue because the cheapest cut on their lineup was $200. The most expensive was one thousand American dollars for meat that was losing blind taste tests to mail-order Porterhouses from Peter Luger. The deal with Sharper Image lasted all of two months before being discontinued, with their CEO, Jerry W Levin, saying, “If we sold $50,000 of steaks grand total, I’d be surprised.”

Which checks out, really. Like any good influencer, Trump sells a fantasy that you, too, can live his billionaire lifestyle. I’d assume that only the most die-hard MAGA obsessives would want to have his diet too.