Ewwwwwwww
 
I’ve been trying to find some sign that this might be a joke, but I think we have to face this together.

Alphanail is a brand of nail polish just for men, and is billed as “The pick-up artists’ secret weapon.”  I’m not quite sure what makes it any different than regular nail polish, except that we are regularly assured that is, in fact, super-butch.

Its a no brainer. We’ve got better colors. We’ve got both Matte and Metallic finishes, as masculine as it gets. We’ve got a better application system. We have a brand supported by fighters and celebrities. We have a formula that strengthens your nails. We have a better removal system. You need any other reason to choose Alphanail over some dainty little glass pot you find in the makeup section of your grocery store? Come on now, lets be serious. Alphanail IS the choice for men.

Because nothing screams “secure in your masculinity” like desperately asserting it over and over again!

I literally cannot write anything snarky about this, because it is so laughable it completely eliminates the need for satire. For example, their concept of evolution’s role in sex is… somewhat suspect.

There is a reason that male peacocks have such stunningly vivid and colorful feathers. It is because over thousands of years of sexual selection, the peacock that had slightly handsomer feathers than the rest, humped a lot more peahens, resulting in more chicks. This genetic advantage toward bright feathers when multiplied over hundreds of generations has created one of nature’s most impressive examples of beauty.

What’s that you say, bro? Tell me more about the humping science!

Peacocking then, is the term derived by pick up artists (PUA’s), that pays homage to the natural law exploited by the peacock. The more noticeable the male within a positive context, the more he humps. In humans, this phenomenon is supported by one major psychological factor. There is immense social pressure to fit in and be one of the herd which causes people to dress alike within their social circle, act alike, even drink alike. Only the Alpha males, those with the confidence to make their own rules generally have the courage to stand out. It is the Alpha males that have the bright feathers in our world, it is the Alpha males that are the masters of Peacocking.

I would be interested in seeing their sales figures. While this is a fairly egregious example, I’ve heard tell that nothing sells quite as well as “individuality.”  Combine that with the masculine anxiety market and I’ll bet this could be one of those inexplicably successful products. Even if it has no “real” demand, the novelty of it is undeniable. Look how many people got drunk and bought Snuggies?

And while the Snuggie is a sadness purchase, the down we use to nest in our winter depression, so to speak, Alphanail is the drunken purchase of a maverick.

It is about having the confidence that says ‘I am my own man, and will decide the rules for how I live my life according to how I see fit.

Yes, that is exactly what people will think when they learn you have purchased this product.