follow us in feedly
‘American Sniper’ in five minutes
12:20 pm



The Oscar-nominated blockbuster American Sniper plays its cards so close to its chest that it’s difficult to tell if director Clint Eastwood wanted to make a pro-war statement, an anti-war film… or what? The fact that the question is being asked by so many people is probably testament to Eastwood getting exactly the reaction he wanted to get. People end up projecting themselves onto it, or (perhaps unavoidably) assuming that Eastwood’s known proclivities for conservative politics and the Republican party must therefore make it a pro-war film. Eastwood himself has declared the film to be “anti-war.”

Whatever nuances and shades of gray ambiguities Eastwood’s film may (or may not) have possessed depending on your own personal viewpoint, they’ve simply been squashed flat by atheist YouTube vlogger “Cult of Dusty” who made his own LOL “trash compactor” cut of American Sniper.

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
Akron police seek ‘Bowel Movement Bandit,’ serial car defecator
04:23 pm



Oh, Northeast Ohio, I love you. Akron police are seeking a man now dubbed, probably by some rubbish local news program, the “Bowel Movement Bandit,” suspected of having shat on as many as nineteen cars parked in residential driveways. But police have an excellent lead—the gentleman caller has been clearly photographed red-assed in the act of Cleveland-steamering an innocent sedan:

Officers are searching for someone they said has defecated on 19 parked cars in driveways.

The bowel movement bandit strikes between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m. On Wednesday morning, a resident caught the suspect on film.

I have nothing to add except that it sure would be wonderful if his name turned out to be “Browning.”

Via NewsNet 5

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Breast milk facials are real and possibly spectacular
05:29 pm



Mud, a new face-friendly spa in Chicago, is offering its sensitive-skinned patrons something unusual: breast milk facials.

Shama Patel, Mud’s founder, explains:

I really wanted to come up with something that was quick, effective, that appealed to the urban city girl…There are so many mommy blogs out there that talk about using breast milk to basically help with skin conditions.

The salon sources its white liquid gold from “certified milk banks” only. These banks get their supply from local nursing mothers who are aware their boob juice will end up on strangers faces for $40 a pop.


Posted by Rusty Blazenhoff | Leave a comment
Late Capitalism’s Weapon of Cash Destruction: Shower strippers with money using ‘The Cash Cannon’
09:41 am

They hate us for our freedom


Ladies and gentlemen: The Cash Cannon.

If you can get this past security at your local strip club—and let’s be honest, if your local strip club has security, it’s probably not that interesting to begin with—you can be the reigning (raining?) King of Fools parted from his money.

This miracle device allows its brandisher to blow through large amounts of cash at an alarmingly high rate of speed. You’re not just “making it rain,” you just brought the typhoon up in this piece.

According to the manufacturer’s website:

The Cash Cannon™ Money Gun is a toy that dispenses paper items in a rapid but user controlled manner. The preferred item of choice to dispense is of course cash but any item that fits in the loading compartment and out of the slot will work with the device. The Cash Cannon™ is the first device that performs this function and is simple enough in terms of design to be mass manufactured for the public use.

If the psychology behind throwing out large amounts of money in a gentleman’s club is creating an atmosphere of fun from an affected lack of concern, then the Cash Canon instantly turns what might have been three minutes of self-important limelight into four and a half seconds of pathetic confusion. The top dog always spreads the money around and you can’t get top doggier than literally spewing it all over the place like a first year fraternity brother retching up last night’s kamikazes. All you have to do is load the Cash Cannon with your favorite denomination of currency, gently squeeze the trigger, and look forward to tomorrow’s regret.

Testing, testing…

Actual in-field use, below:

Posted by Christopher Bickel | Leave a comment
Handy chart shows what every state is #1 in
01:27 pm

Current Events


Estately, which supposedly has “the most accurate index of homes for sale, straight from the MLS,” kindly put together this super-handy chart which allows us to see what our state “has more of per capita than any other.”

I’m impressed with the results! Apparently Texas has the most pet tigers, Oregon likes to sell cigarettes to children, and poor ol’ Delaware has the most registered sex offenders.

Take this map with a grain of salt though, the data comes from “hundreds of surveys and studies,” so you know it’s legit, right?

Anyway, I had a good laugh at this one. Especially with Pennsylvanians obsession with “holiday music downloads.” What’s the deal, Pennsylvania? You can’t get enough of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”?

Click here to see larger image.

via Death and Taxes

Posted by Tara McGinley | Leave a comment
Culturcide takes a massive shit all over the radio hits of the ‘70s and ‘80s
10:25 am

Class War


This was one of the most impudent stunts in the history of art-noise provocations: in 1986, a Houston, TX band of shit-stirrers called Culturcide released their second LP, Tacky Souvenirs of Pre-Revolutionary America. The album consisted of parodic covers of then-recent radio hits by the likes of Springsteen, Huey Lewis and the News, USA For Africa, Pat Benatar, yadda yadda yadda. Some were hilarious, some brutally satirical, a few frankly just kinda dumb. But unlike “Weird Al” Yankovic, Culturcide didn’t re-record the music. Their vocalist Perry Webb simply warbled his own lyrical agitations atop the original recordings. No permission for that usage was obtained, as it was never even actually sought.

The album never saw and surely never WILL see another issue after that initial self-release. The threat of lawsuits pre-empted any further editions, so once the recording became notorious, it also became impossible to get, which only magnified its legend. According to a 1998 article in the Houston Press:

A blatantly illegal work of manic-dub genius, the album (now unavailable) ransacked 14 of the 1980s’ most vapid radio hits—everything from “We Are the World” to “Ebony and Ivory.” In keeping with its lo-fi, anti-technology stance, Culturcide simply rerecorded the tracks, changing the titles (for example, “We Aren’t the World”) and superimposing nasty, disparaging vocals, jarring cut-and-paste clatter and dizzying loop effects over the original versions—all, of course, without authorization.

Despite the band’s haphazard distribution methods, Tacky Souvenirs managed to find its way to a number of critics, several of whom commended the band for brazenly going where no other indie outfit had gone before. (Some of those same writers commented on the album’s one-off feel—funny, considering the album took the band five years to complete.)

Though Tacky Souvenirs wasn’t always easy for the layman to track down, it did earn Culturcide a kind of cult celebrity. But the costs far outweighed the benefits: Representatives for three artists whose work was desecrated on Tacky Souvenirs threatened legal action, and subsequent settlements emptied the band’s already piddling coffers. The ensuing lull in Culturcide’s spirits, combined with various creative conflicts and substance abuse issues, eventually led to the group’s calling it quits in 1990. Naturally, Tacky Souvenirs is now a collector’s item.

Of course, 1998 was before existed, and the album is nowadays findable with a mouse-click, though it ain’t necessarily gonna be cheap. And as you’ll soon see, it’s not really for everyone, anyway. Be mindful, ahead lie naughty words and extreme jadedness:

They Aren't The World by Culturcide on Grooveshark


Love Is A Cattle-Prod by Culturcide on Grooveshark


The Heart of R'n'R (Is the Profit) by Culturcide on Grooveshark


More of this shit after the jump…

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Republican idiot wants to ban genetically engineered glow-in-the-dark humans
11:26 am



The serene face of a man with absolutely NOTHING on his mind!

If you live in the Georgia district represented by Republican Rep. Tom Kirby, rest assured that your government, via Mr. Kirby’s zany style of “leadership,” is “getting out in front of” the growing problem of genetically engineered glowing human beings. That’s right, Rep. Kirby introduced a bill in the state legislature, er… preemptively banning the mixing of human and for instance, jellyfish embryos. Forget about roads, schools, good jobs, that kind of shit, this is a real problem… or is it? Even Mr. Kirby himself isn’t so sure…

He told WSB-TV:

“I’ve had people tell me it is but I have not verified that for sure,” state Rep. Tom Kirby (R) told WSB-TV. “It’s time we either get in front of it or we’re going to be chasing our tails.”

Look at him. Look at that dumb Republican face on him. He looks like he DOES have a tail.

You could file this away with all the dipsy-doodles who want to stamp out sharia law in South Carolina, but that would be missing out on the special stupid that Mr. Kirby brings to the (grand, old) party. This is even a lower IQ fear than something like the Agenda 21 “thing.”

Kirby posted this on his website regarding his “Ethical treatment of Embryos” bill:

We in Georgia are taking the lead on this issue.  Human life at all stages is precious including as an embryo.  We need to get out in front of the science and technology, before it becomes something no one wants.  The mixing of Human Embryos with Jellyfish cells to create a glow in the dark human, we say not in Georgia.  This bill is about protecting Human life while maintaining good, valid research that does not destroy life.

Researchers have been able to splice jellyfish embryos with genetic material from rabbits, mice, cats, pigs and rhesus monkeys for well over a decade, this isn’t new, but the belief that science is trying—currently—to build “a glow-in-the-dark human” as Kirby puts it, is.

Like where did this idiot hear about this “problem,” huh? AN ALL CAPS EMAIL FORWARDED BY HIS GRANDPA? Radio frequencies only he can hear? An Alex Jones-wannabe’s podcast, perhaps? An old coot in a bar outside of Atlanta? He practically comes right out and admits in the clip below that he has no idea what he’s talking about.

Roads, schools, good jobs… or this cartoon idiocy?

Buffoons like Tom Kirby get elected because… people vote for them and for no other reason.

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
‘Florida Man’: New documentary explores why Florida is so goddamned weird
03:21 pm



Jon Stewart has called Florida “America’s Wang,” and it does seem like the state’s strong peninsular properties somehow attract people who are on the end of their rope. In Florida Man, Sean Dunne’s endlessly quotable and surprisingly poignant documentary about worn-out and inebriated layabouts in the Sunshine State, the viewer meets a wide variety of beercan philosophers in the course of 50 minutes, many of whom have tales to tell, of the government’s economic dependence on the incarcerated, of the heady thrills of a lifetime of brawling, of the murderous tendencies of pill addicts, of the undeniable pleasures of an impromptu three-way underneath a pier on a beach.

I’m tempted to call this movie “the real Fight Club,” but that’s not right. It’s “Old Drunk Guy Parking Lot”—a majority of the footage was obtained outside various bars, motels, laundromats, and tattoo parlors, and certainly a majority of the interviewees, if not nearly all of them, have booze sloshing around their system. However, it’s hard to state anything equivocal beyond the two facts laid down in the title—it’s in Florida, and it’s about males. Not all of them are old, and not all of them are drunk. Taken together, however, there’s an unmistakable commonality among the worn-out old dudes who were willing to interact with Dunne and his crew. As one guy says, “When I moved here I was a damn Yankee. I got upgraded to redneck.” (Come to think of it, “Upgraded to Redneck” isn’t a bad alternate title for the movie.)

To his credit, Dunne had not much in the way of an agenda when he started the movie, letting serendipity dictate the content. As he says,

Basically we just drove around aimlessly, stopping any time we saw something or someone that interested us and one thing would lead to another and the universe would pull us in one direction or another. Most of what you’re seeing in the final film is the entirety of our interaction with these guys. It was quick and to the point and I didn’t even interview people besides the occasional “Any words of wisdom?” So what we got was a whole bunch of people telling stories and talking about whatever was on their mind. It was a strange and exciting journey that took us to a lot of places we didn’t expect.

This succession of cocksure, mostly unemployed or “retired” drifters or near-drifters may be the most resonant depiction of Florida since Errol Morris’s Vernon, Florida, with which it shares more than a little in terms of directorial strategy. I’m tempted to lard up this post with the hard-won wisdom the movie’s subjects spout. The fellow whose footage opens the movie is a dessicated George Carlin-looking cat with a handlebar mustache who just lives to tussle. “I love to make people bleed, I swear to God I do,” he says. “Once you get to Florida, you don’t ever want to go back north,” is the questionable premise of a superannuated barfly wearing a U.S. Navy trucker hat.

Moments after declaring, “I’m not a drunk,” an elderly African-American fellow jokes that “Ace Liquor Store over there” is “my second home.” In the next sequence the owner of the same store says, memorably, “Here in the liquor store, we see probably 50% of the people arrive by either foot or by bicycle, because they all have DUIs,” adding that most of his problem drinkers “eventually pass away. If you have a drinking problem, handle it.”

There’s much more, but it’s better experienced firsthand. If you have a hour to kill, you could do a lot worse than spending it with this hardy bunch of dipsomanaical survivors. Watch it below:

Posted by Martin Schneider | Leave a comment
‘Friday Night Tykes’: Shocking youth sports docu-series exposes gladiator-style kiddie football
11:46 am



As passionate fans of the Friday Night Lights TV series will tell you, you don’t need to care that much about football itself to care deeply about the carefully drawn characters of that much-loved small town drama. Something similar can almost be said of the Esquire Network’s returning youth sports docu-series Friday Night Tykes, but there’s a frankly shocking level of car crash brutality—that’s all being egged on by the “adults” in charge—that completely subverts what you think this show is going to be all about.

Friday Night Tykes focuses on the teams of the Texas Youth Football Association, the most popular, competitive and well-supported league of its kind in the United States. TYFA also has a reputation for controversy, and for the violent intensity of its pre-teen players, some who are as young as eight or nine. There is no size limit for these kids, either. The bigger the better. And did I mention the crazy parents? TYFA’s got its share of lunatics in the bleachers.

As season two starts, we get a recap of some of the most eyebrow-raising moments from last year. Answering the big question in many viewers’ minds (“WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?!?!?!”) some of the coaches from the first series are gone, one for flagrantly encouraging viciously unsportsmanlike behavior (all of which this psycho was, for some reason, completely unashamed to allow the Esquire Network’s cameras to capture). There is a “welcome to the Terrordome” element to the TYFA—these little kids are encouraged to act like MMA gladiators. Tackle ‘em sure, but make sure to hurt ‘em real bad when ya do it. In TYFA, the all-American sport is sport is often enacted with the sort of violence associated with backyard wrestling. They just need to outfit their eight-year-old fullbacks with 2x4s and nunchucks and stop beating around the bush.

To be honest, I was left mouth-agape by this show within the opening moments. The thing that will probably occur to you as you watch it, as it did to me, is that these people are willing to subject their own children to something that is not really a great distance from cagefighting, but cagefighting done with little kids who are crying and puking! It’s so twisted! Some of the parents are so harsh, aggressive and downright nasty towards their children in public that you don’t have to use your imagination much to wonder how they might behave in the privacy of their own homes.

A narrator asks “But how hard is too hard? [Pediatricians warn against any sort of full body tackle until a child is at least 14 years of age] How far is too far? [Just wait!] Is youth sports truly about the kids, or is it truly about the parents?”

That last question is left shrewdly unanswered by the filmmakers.

Watch the entire first episode of the Esquire Network’s second season of Friday Night Tykes here.

Below, the trailer:

Posted by Richard Metzger | Leave a comment
Aaaaaand here’s a cremation urn shaped like Barack Obama’s head
10:07 am



Last week we told you about Pet Photo Fun, the surely well-meaning but perhaps a tad strange people who’ll animate a photo of your dead pet singing you a song of consolation from the beyond. I thought that was an ultimate in funerary tackiness, but Cremation Solutions has that shit beat by a country mile. They will craft a cremation urn to resemble the head of your deceased loved one. And for reasons never clarified, their online sample urn is the head of US President Barack Obama.


Personal cremation urns can be designed to look like anyone. We just need good pictures. We prefer one picture from the front and one from the side. Complexions can be adjusted in the final stages and customers get a chance to proof the results. We will produce a computer generated image of what your urn will look like. Once you have approved the image, we will begin production. Like all of our custom made products, their are no refunds and we can not make changes to these urns.

The urns are available in two sizes: the “keepsake” size is essentially a shrunken head which, for $600, will hold only a portion of an adult human’s ashes, or you can opt for a full-sized replica of the decedent’s head for $2,600. Which I guess seems a fair price for a cremains-stuffed uncanny abomination of your dead loved one’s severed fucking head on a plaque? (If the decedent was more the active type, there’s a poseable figure option.)

The personal urn does not come with hair. For hair we can digitally add hair if you wish, as you can see with our sample of president Obama. For people with longer hair we can add a wig from your specifications. This cremation urn comes on an elegant solid marble base. A Plaque and nameplate are also available.


Hat tip to Beth Piwkowski for this find.

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Leave a comment
Page 3 of 31  < 1 2 3 4 5 >  Last ›