Royal wedding fever has taken hold of everyone on both sides of the pond - but perhaps none moreso than a plumber from England named Barmy Baz Franks. Barmy recently spent £1,000 and six hours in a dentist’s chair getting Prince William and Kate Middleton’s faces tattooed on his teeth!

Remember when we told you all about teeth tatoos earlier? Well these are a little bit different. Crafted by Dr Neil Gerrard, of the Clifton Dental Studio in Bristol, the images were painted on by hand using ultra-fine brushes and stencils. The ‘gnasher tats’ (oh you wacky Brits) will last about three months depending on how thoroughly Barmy brushes.

”I love the Royal Family and this was my way of lending my support to their Big Day.” says Franks. How sweet.

This dude is never getting laid again.

(via Dental Assistant School)

 
Phone Sex Grandma is a short film by Jack Truman about an older female telephone sex worker that follows her routine for a day as she goes about her business. While it could be argued that this film has a lot to say about the socio-economic place of gender and the role of the elderly in declining late-capitalist society, you should probably just forget all that and admit that it’s really funny.

Old people having sex (or in this case talking sexy) is one of the oldest tropes in the comedy handbook - but you’ve gotta hand it to this woman, when it comes to sexy talk she is a pro. And I mean a professional. Check out 3:10 where she is taking a piss AND talking sexy AND pretending to be East Asian! Or 5:20 when she is taking a bath, reading Darwin, talking sexy AND pretending to be black! That is some epic multitasking right there. Phone Sex Grandma is my new (NSFW) hero:

EDIT: from the Phone Sex Grandma IMDB page (which states that the film is a “mockumentary”):

Director Jack Truman and star Opal Dockery are a real-life Mother/Son filmmaking team

WTF?!?

 
Thanks to Tickle for the link.

 
Though the impersonation is rather dreadful, it doesn’t really detract from this delightful gem of Scotland’s Greatest Export singing “S With an H” from Sean Connery: The Musical by Jon Kaplan and Al Kaplan, the talents behind Predator - The Musical, Conan the Barbarian: The Musical and Silence: The Musical.

In Scotland, impersonating Shir Shean Connery is a national tic, one need only watch Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show to see what I mean. Indeed, when the “best wee country in the world” ™ eventually becomes independent, The Ancient Art of Shir Shean Connery Impersonating will no doubt be incorporated into the traditional Highland Games.

As for Sean Connery: The Musical, well it isn’t such a bad idea, afterall Mr Connery did have a successful though brief singing career starring in the London stage production of South Pacific and then as Michael McBride in Darby O’Gill and the Little People.
 

 
Previously on DM

 
Bonus clip of Sean Connery singing in ‘Darby O’Gill’, after the jump…
 
With thanks to Tara McGinley
 

 
Here’s 8 seconds of raw elephant phobia. Cue the Wilhelm scream.

(via BuzzFeed)

 
Oops, I’ve lost control again.

Joy Division-inspired tee shirt from African Apparel (love the name).

 
This buffoon deserves whatever we can throw at him. What an asshole. I never imagined that he could actually become more unlikeable than he already was.

 
Dogfellas...?

“In a world that’s powered by violence, on the streets where the violent have power, a new generation carries on an old tradition.”

 
Via Blackadder
 

 
R.I.P., poor hat.

(via EPICponyz)

 
Apparently Abraham Lincoln is alive and well. Redditor hotmath snapped this pic with the title “He Lives.” 

(via reddit and TDW)

Here’s the first of a series of pieces I’ll be doing on one-hit wonders. While my intent is to be as informative as possible, I’m starting off with an artist that I can find very little information on, the mysterious J. Bastos.

“Loop di Love” was recorded in 1969 by J. Bastos (Juan Bastos) and became a big hit in Holland and Germany in 1971. It kicks off with one of the more bizarre and memorable verses in pop history and goes on to tell the story of a young man’s chance encounter with a prostitute.

I saw you walking down the street
Love di loop di love
Your hair was hanging down to knees
Love di loop di love
Your waist was waving like a ship
Love di loop di love
The way you look made me sick
Love di loop di love

The only biographical information I can find on J. Bastos is that he lived somewhere in northern Germany and the song was recorded as a joke among drunken friends and became a fluke hit. And that info is from an alleged disgruntled former employee of Bastos who claims he was hellish to work for and fell into being a popstar totally by accident. It’s odd, considering the notoriety and popularity of “Loop di Love,” that so little is known of its creator. Anyone got any info on J. Bastos?

The tune is based on a Greek fishermen’s song “Darla Dirlada.”

A double dose of J. Bastos - a promo video shot in Amsterdam and a performance on German TV.

Cock-hopping at 1:27.