Church gets in on the 4/20 Easter action: ‘Because you can’t get any higher than RISEN!’
04.18.2014
03:11 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Belief
Drugs

Tags:
Marijuana
420
Easter


 
Freedom Church, located in Los Angeles, is getting in on the 4/20 action this Easter with the tagline, “Because you can’t get any higher than RISEN!”

Yes. Yes, you can.

Apparently they’ve never smoked pure THC hash oil through a Healthstone waterpipe rig.


 

 
Via Christian Nightmares

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
‘Heaven Is For Real’ kid’s interview on Fox News is COMEDY GOLD


 

Sean Hannity: Do you think everybody goes to Heaven?

Colton Burpo: Um…. No. Not everybody does go to Heaven.

Sean Hannity: How do you know?

Colton Burpo, the little boy who had an NDE on an operating table a few years back and claimed to have been to Heaven, has had his experiences “there” recounted in several Heaven is for Real books that have sold like hotcakes to people desperate to believe they will live forever in the Kingdom of Heaven, eternally youthful, kickin’ it with their homeboy Jesus C. and all the dead people they ever knew.

Watch this clip of Colton promoting his parents’ books (his dad is a minister and radio broadcaster, natch) and a major Hollywood film about to come out based on this fiction. From where I’m sitting it seems rather obvious that this kid is lying through his teeth and Sean Hannity is just too stupid not to uncritically believe every word of it.

This is truly remarkable, Marjoe Gortner-level hoodoo nonsense. Even by the admittedly sad standards of Fox News, this is riveting in its abject stupidity…

Colton Burpo: Heaven is… such an amazing place and… and you just want to be there for a long time. I mean, I didn’t wanna come back.

Sean Hannity: What’s the difference… in other words, what did you see? What did you feel? Who did you meet?

Colton Burpo: Well, I saw a lot of stuff… In Heaven there are a lot of colors, but there’s even more than we have down here on Earth. Also I got to meet my great grandpa and my sister who was miscarriaged and… it just feels like home.

Hannity: And she came up to you? Are you there physically or spiritually?

Colton Burpo: You are there physically. You do have your own body.

Hannity: You were there in your body?

Colton Burpo: Well, not my earthly body, they were working on my earthly body.

Hannity: It’s the same? You look the same, relatively speaking?

Colton Burpo: Relatively speaking. If you die an old man or an old woman, you’ll be in your prime, like your late 20s, early 30s.

Hannity: And you say that you met Jesus Christ and God. (Colton nods) Can you describe God and Jesus Christ?

Colton Burpo: Well, Jesus was more like the humanoid version. He’s the one you can relate to because he… loves you so much and he’s actually your size, so you can like walk with him and talk with him.

Hannity: And you talked with him?

Colton Burpo: Yes.

Hannity: And he talked to you?

Colton Burpo: Yes.

Hannity: What did he say?

Colton Burpo: Well, I can’t remember what all it was that we talked about because some of it he even taught me! God has not allowed me to remember what Jesus has taught me.

Hannity: You saw God?

It just gets worse—and even more painfully funny—from there…

You can easily see why Hannity’s audience would eat this shit up, because it sounds exactly like something they already believe. Of course every mean old Archie Bunker watching Fox News will be young again in Heaven. Forever and ever! Throw away that Viagra! No need for it in Heaven, you’ll be 30 again soon, dude…

This is why there needs to a separation between church and state: America is a country full to the bursting point with idiots.
 

 
Via Christian Nightmares

Posted by Richard Metzger | Discussion
UFO, weird weather, birds… or an angry god? That mysterious black ring in the sky, explained
04.16.2014
06:09 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
UFOs

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You may have read about the mysterious “big black ring” that recently appeared in the sky over Leamington Spa, near Warwick Castle in England?

The strange black halo was captured by 16-year-old schoolgirl Georgina Heap on her iPhone, as it appeared overhead whilst she was playing tennis with her mother, Jo. The ring floated in the air for several minutes, before disappearing. When Georgina shared the footage with the British media, it led to considerable debate as to what the mysterious circle could possibly be?

Was it possibly something to do with the weather, a rain cloud perhaps? The Met Office said no, it was not weather related.

Was it a UFO? Nick Pope, an expert on UFOs and former government advisor, said no, it looked more organic in form.

Was the black ring was made up by thousands of swarming insects, or possibly birds?

And lastly and most unlikely, was the ominous black ring a sign of a disgruntled deity calling time on humanity….?

None of these answers seemed to fit (especially the last one) and a search for what could have caused the hovering halo led to considerable debate on social media and television as to what exactly had Georgina filmed?

Well, all can now be revealed, and while some sticklers were hoping for a close encounter with some alien intelligence, the mysterious circle has turned out to be nothing more than a puff of smoke caused by fireworks launched from nearby Warwick Castle.

BBC News reports that a spokesman from Warwick Castle explained on Tuesday afternoon that they had been testing “fire effects” to go with the daily firing of the Trebuchet Fireball—a giant catapult.

“We’ve seen a number of different effects, including the vortex images that have been reported,” the spokesman said. “As yet we don’t know what causes the phenomenon but it’s certainly a spooky spectacle.”

So, there you have it, no UFOs, no god, and certainly no treason, or plot. Just a little gunpowder.
 

 
Via BBC News

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
TL;DR Wikipedia: Condensed for your reading pleasure
04.15.2014
11:00 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
Wikipedia
tl;dr


 
TL;DR Wikipedia is an excellent source of information for the “fuck it, I don’t have time to read this shit” generation. It cuts to the chase, getting rid of those annoying words Wikipedia entries are full of and summarizes everything you need to know about a topic / subject in just a sentence or two. Invaluable, I tell ya! You’ll learn something new—but not too much—every single day!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Via Daily Dot

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
‘True Detective’ meets ‘The Family Circus’
04.15.2014
08:43 am

Topics:
Amusing
Television

Tags:
True Detective
The Family Circus


 
Like The Nietzsche Family Circus, we now have the pitch-perfect pessimistic witticisms from True Detective‘s Rust Cohle nicely depicted Family Circus-style. It’s called “Time is a Flat Circus.”


 

 

 

 
Via AV Club

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
‘The Beast With Five Fingers’: Vintage amateur ‘home movie’ version of the classic horror film, 1947
04.15.2014
08:07 am

Topics:
Amusing
Movies

Tags:
Horror Fiction
W. F. Harvey

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The amiable, Irish comedian Dave Allen had the top of his left forefinger missing. As part of his act, he would tell various amusing and often macabre tales as to how he came to lose it: his brother bit it off; it was dissolved by whisky; he cut it off to avoid conscription to the army; his father chopped it off with an ax. Of course, these stories were all untrue—Allen had lost the top of his finger when he was child playing with an old machine cog.

However, my favorite story that Allen told about his missing digit was the one he told on his hit TV show, in a darkened studio, with only a single light illuminating his face. Allen had been traveling by car across desolate moor in the north of England. A storm (thunder, lightning) had waylaid him en route to his destination, and he had to overnight at an old, rundown hotel, miles from anywhere.

Lightning had downed the power, and the hotel was lit by flickering candles. As he was shown to his room, his host asked the comedian if he believed in ghosts. Allen told him no, he was an atheist, thank God. The manager smiled, and replied that was all well and good, as sadly, the hotel rarely received any guests as the house was said to be haunted by an evil spirit.

Allen thought little more of the conversation, and prepared for bed. But as he slowly drifted off to sleep, he began to dream about an evil, brooding presence that lurked down in the basement. In his dream he could see the pitch black of the basement room, and in that darkness he saw something move, something slowly writhing towards him, a thick, oily darkness. Allen moved away, back up the stairs to his room. It followed.

The corridor was swallowed by damp, creeping shadows. The evil was moving nearer. Allen woke and found he was lying in bed. The room was silent. He felt the pin prick of sweat on his neck. He knew there something with him in the room, waiting.

Allen felt the evil move slowly up the bed covers. Its legs dimpling his flesh, dragging its body behind. As it crawled nearer, Allen knew he was going to die, would die, if he didn’t do something. The creature, heavier now, moved ever closer. One hard limb at a time, dragging its fleshy body nearer, nearer, until it would have him by the throat. That was when Allen struck. He grabbed the beast, and bit hard into what he thought was its neck and head. He tasted blood, felt pain. And then he screamed, spitting the top of his finger out of his mouth.

The idea of hands having an evil will of their own was first put to paper by author Maurice Renard in his novel Les Mains d’Orlac (The Hands of Orlac). This was later made into the German Expressionist film Orlac’s Hände starring Conrad Veidt, in 1924. A Hollywood version Mad Love, with Colin Clive and Peter Lorre, came along in 1935, and was remade again, this time as The Hands of Orlac with Mel Ferrer and Christopher Lee in 1962.

Les Mains d’Orlac tells the story of a concert pianist, who loses his hands in an accident, and receives the transplanted hands of a murderer. These new hands possess him and he becomes a killer. It’s good story and the nearly forgotten Renard wrote some highly original and influential tales, which are well worth checking out.

Another author who wrote about disembodied hands was W. F. Harvey, who is one of my favorite horror writers and wrote “The Beast With Five Fingers.” This classic tale deals with the life and death of Adrian Borlsover who “was exceedingly clever with his hands.” When Borlsover goes blind, he adapts by using his supple fingers to read Braille, and explore the world by touch alone. His fingers are so delicate that he can identify flowers by just the feel of their petals.

Towards the close of his life Adrian Borlsover was credited with powers of touch that seemed almost uncanny. It had been said that he could tell at once the colour of ribbon placed between his fingers.

When he dies, Adrian apparently bequeaths his nephew Eustice a strange gift—his severed hand.

This story inspired Curt Siodmak to write a jumbled screenplay that mixed elements of Renard’s Orlac with Harvey’s Beast, for the movie version The Beast With Five Fingers, which starred Peter Lorre (again). Harvey was a much better writer than Siodmak, and his tale is far superior to the film, and more memorable.

However, the disembodied hand didn’t stop with The Beast With Five Fingers, it would reappear most successfully in Doctor Terror’s House of Horrors, where artist Michael Gough’s severed hand claims gory vengeance on Christopher Lee’s jealous critic; and then in Oliver Stone’s B-movie The Hand, starring Michael Caine, which is definitely one to miss.

An interesting addition to this collection is Ed Foley’s Super-8 home movie version, which he made in 1947 when he was an eighteen-year-old high school student. Foley’s film owes more to Siodmak’s screenplay, but it is a well-made, impressive and delightful short film for a kid to have made, especially at that time. Check out his amateur special effects!
 

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
North Korea ‘threaten’ London hairdresser over ‘disrespectful’ Kim Jong-un bad hair day poster?
04.15.2014
08:01 am

Topics:
Amusing
Fashion

Tags:
hairstyles
Kim Jong-un

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Last month it was reported supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un had (supposedly) suggested that all loyal citizens of North Korea should trim their hair in “accordance with the Socialist lifestyle.” In other words, get that very unflattering haircut the supreme leader (and fashion icon) has himself. Apparently, legions of indoctrinated followers queued to have their follicles trimmed in accordance with their leader’s wishes.

Now, the supreme leader, or at least a spokesperson on behalf of North Korea, has become involved in another fashion war this time over a London hairdresser using a picture of the supreme leader to advertise his services.

Mo Nabbach, who runs M&M Hair Academy in South Ealing, put a poster of Kim Jong-un in his shop window with the headline:

“Bad hair day? 15% off all gent cuts through the month of April.”

Since the poster went up, Mr. Nabbach claims to have been targeted by officials from the North Korean Embassy, based in nearby Gunnery. He claims men from the embassy took pictures of the salon, wrote notes in their books, and then asked for the poster to be taken down, as it was “disrespectful” to their leader.

Mr. Nabbach told the London Evening Standard:

“I told them this is England and not North Korea and told them to get their lawyers,” he added.

“We did take it down but then some of our clients told me to put it back up because we have a democracy here.

“The two guys were wearing suits and they were very serious. It was very threatening.”

Mr. Nabbach contacted the police, who then spoke to both parties over the incident. The police came to the conclusion that “no offence has been disclosed.”

A spokesperson for the North Korean embassy refused to confirm or deny the story, other than to say, “We are not in a position to comment.” Maybe they were too busy getting haircuts?
 
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Now here’s ten things you might not know about his supreme leadership.
 

 
Via the ‘Evening Standard
 

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
The peerlessly weird Beefheartian post-punk of Stump
04.15.2014
07:31 am

Topics:
Amusing
Music
Unorthodox

Tags:
Stump


 
Stump were a uniquely aberrant Irish/British foursome active in the mid to late ‘80s. After some success in London with the Mud on a Colon EP, the Quirk Out mini-LP, a Peel Session, and a track on NME‘s famed C-86 compilation, they were picked up by Ensign Records to make 1988’s LP A Fierce Pancake, a supremely screwball statement-of-purpose, at turns and at once absurdist, whimsical, and dark. The performance that brought the band to Ensign was their appearance on The Tube, wherein they performed their song “Tupperware Stripper” as “Censorship Stripper,” probably in a dodge against trademark concerns.
 

 
The band initially caught my ear in 1988, with the preposterous single “Charlton Heston,” which featured croaking frogs for a rhythm track and the facepalm-worthy refrain “Charlton Heston/Put his vest on.” But when I heard the whole album, the mere zaniness I expected turned out to be a veneer for some truly mind-bending and aggressively awkward Beefheartian experimentation. The guitar and bass playing here are a few leagues beyond merely idiosyncratic–indeed, there are many passages where one can’t quite tell which instrument is which, and if U.S. Maple didn’t have some Stump in their diet before they set upon their own deconstructions of rock tropes, I’ll eat my foot. The madcap persona and lyrics of singer Mick Lynch must have made it all seem like a joke to some listeners, and sure, it IS mighty fucking daffy to have the chorus of a single consist of a bug-eyed man with Tintin’s hair shouting “LIGHTS! CAMEL! ACTION!” But then you hear songs like “Living It Down” and “Heartache” and you say “whoa, damn.”
 

 

Living it Down by Stump on Grooveshark

 

Heartache by Stump on Grooveshark

 
Stump split by the end of 1988. A Fierce Pancake was deleted in 1990 and has never been reissued in physical media, except as part of a complete anthology CD set from 2008, which is itself also out of print. In spring 2014, Cherry Red UK will be releasing Does the Fish Have Chips—Early and Late Works 1986-1989, which encompasses all of their recorded output except the LP. So just listen to the LP and enjoy some of their videos here.
 

Stump, A Fierce Pancake, full album
 

 

 
This last one sounds too poor to really represent the song properly, it’s a live fan-cam thing shot from behind the P.A. But in one respect, that’s a boon here, inasmuch as all you can really hear is the astonishing bass player Kevin Hopper. Who plays like this? The man is brilliantly mental.
 

 

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Discussion
The futility of existence: One man’s journey conquering a fence sums up life
04.14.2014
12:18 pm

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
Life


 

I am this man. YOU are this man. We are ALL this man.
 

 
Via reddit

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
Talking chicken causes mass panic
04.14.2014
07:17 am

Topics:
Amusing
Animals
Belief

Tags:
Talking chicken

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A chicken is claimed to have caused mass panic amongst the residents of Makurdi, in Nigeria’s capital of Benue last Thursday when it suddenly started speaking. The chicken was being taken to market when it allegedly began speaking in fluent Arabic. The incident happened around twelve noon outside of the Wadata central mosque. As a large crowd gathered, the talking chicken was taken into custody at “A” Division police headquarters, nearby the mosque. There was considerable confusion as some people, on foot and in cars, tried to get away from the scene, while others moved towards it.

One eye-witness, a women called Aishetu, told the Nigeria Daily News:

“I heard that police have taken it into custody and that is why the station is so crowded. Everybody wants to see it talk.”

As panic over the talking bird spread, tensions grew between herdsmen and farmers, who have have been in a violent and bloody dispute. Last month, Muslim herdsmen killed hundreds of Christian farmers in Nigeria’s volatile “middle area,” which is a far more disturbing story than any communicative chanticleer.

Police attempted to disperse the crowds by firing shots and throwing tear gas canisters.

Police spokesman, SP. Daniel Ezeala dismissed the claims of a talking chicken by saying:

“How can a fowl talk’” he queried. “There is nothing like that because it is unnatural for animals to talk. It is the handiwork of mischief makers who wanted to displace traders and loot their wares in the market.”

This is not the first time a “talkin"g animal has caused panic, previously a talking fish terrified fishermen by announcing the end of the world was coming. The talking chicken was allegedly slaughtered. It is not known if the poor bird had any final requests…ahem.

H/T Tommy Udo

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
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