Comedian and actor Trevor Moore—known as the founding member of The Whitest Kids U’ Know—wrote and performs this brilliant song called “The Ballad of Billy John.”
The song is about YouTube comments, but I don’t want to give too much away about this clever piece. It really speaks for itself. The “The Ballad of Billy John” starts out slow, but give it a minute, and then… BOOM.
The ending kind of gets you, too. You’ll laugh until you cry for two very different reasons. The human race is fucked.
Marilyn Manson (whose legal name is Brian Warner) is gracing the cover of PAPER this month, but there’s a real surprise inside the magazine. That’s where Manson’s dad, Hugh Warner, is shown dressed all in black, wearing full face makeup that mimics his rockstar son’s signature look (and ends up looking a bit like Heath Ledger’s Joker).
Photographer Terry Richardson shot the spread for the magazine and, on his website, included some unpublished photos of the unlikely age-gapped doppelgangers. The most humorous one shows Manson covering his face in apparent embarrassment as his dad flips the bird and grabs his crotch.
According to the feature, Manson laughed about his elder’s matchy-matchy look, saying, “That’s a good Ghost of Christmas Future.”
Bank of Canada is pleading with Star Trek fans to stop “Spocking” its five dollar bills. Since Leonard Nimoy’s death, Canadian folks have been “Spocking” the hell out of the five dollar bill that features a portrait of Canada’s seventh prime minister Sir Wilfrid Laurier.
Sir Wilfrid now sports, on certain bills at least, pointy ears, the signature Vulcan haircut and eyebrows and Spock’s mantra “Live long and prosper.”
According to Bank of Canada it’s not illegal to do this but:
“...However, there are important reasons why it should not be done. Writing on a bank note may interfere with the security features and reduces its lifespan. Markings on a note may also prevent it from being accepted in a transaction. Furthermore, the Bank of Canada feels that writing and markings on bank notes are inappropriate as they are a symbol of our country and a source of national pride.”
I say Spock the hell out of ‘em if it ain’t illegal. Sir Wilfrid Laurier’s face wasn’t that interesting, anyway. In fact, let’s just make this a permanent improvement to the Canadian five dollar bill.
Minor injuries like paper cuts can be very dispiriting—despite whatever pain (or at least inconvenience) they may cause, they never quite garner the horrified reaction you feel you deserve. Enter “Boo-boos,” the gruesome Band-Aids from designer Sherwood Forlee. These little nasties display a variety of trompe-l’œil wounds, so you can heal while simultaneously terrorizing your friends, loved ones and the complete strangers that are forced to share public transportation with you!
The only thing to do now is expand the line—I’m holding out for scabies or leprosy!
Just a dragon lizard chillaxin’ while gently strumming his leaf guitar.
According to Indonesian photographer Aditya Permana, he didn’t manipulate the lizard in order to capture this shot. It was a once-in-a-lifetime photograph and he captured the lizard doing its thing just at the right moment.
“I did not directly photograph the lizard at first, until the lizard felt calm and comfortable around me. I noticed it looked like it was playing a guitar – and it didn’t move at all,“ said Permana.
Now all this lizard needs is a tiny hat set out for donations and tips for his leaf strummin’ capabilities.
Estately, which supposedly has “the most accurate index of homes for sale, straight from the MLS,” kindly put together this super-handy chart which allows us to see what our state “has more of per capita than any other.”
I’m impressed with the results! Apparently Texas has the most pet tigers, Oregon likes to sell cigarettes to children, and poor ol’ Delaware has the most registered sex offenders.
Take this map with a grain of salt though, the data comes from “hundreds of surveys and studies,” so you know it’s legit, right?
Anyway, I had a good laugh at this one. Especially with Pennsylvanians obsession with “holiday music downloads.” What’s the deal, Pennsylvania? You can’t get enough of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”?
In this adorable 1968 clip from The Dating Game, a very young and dashing Steve Martin competes against two other (super creepy) bachelors for the affection of sweet Marsha Walker, the real-life sister of Martin’s childhood friend, Morris Walker.
At this time Martin was a comedy writer for the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour and had already made a couple of appearances on The Dating Game. Using his clout as a writer, he was able to convince Dating Game producers to bring his “long lost” friend, Marsha, onto the program; the idea being that she wouldn’t know that one of the bachelors was, in actuality, her old friend, Steve.
Of course, Marsha Walker was indeed aware of Bachelor Number One’s identity in advance. The two had gotten together and planned possible questions according to Morris Walker’s book, Steve Martin: The Magic Years:
This was a great opportunity for a professional comedy writer like Steve to write some great material. Steve and Marsha got together and came up with some hilarious questions and answers.
Marsha asks the stumped Bachelor Number Three,“If you were a holiday, how would you like to be celebrated?” When he thoroughly drops the ball, Marsha quickly redirects the question to Steve who responds, “I’ve always had a great respect for Arbor Day. I’d love to be Arbor Day and be potted.”
Another question allows Martin to get in a fantastically biting jab at the nonplussed (not to mention, incredibly lame) Bachelor Number Two.
Considering the vast inferiority of his competition on this particular episode, even if Marsha Walker had not known Steve Martin in advance, it’s fairly obvious the two would have ended up together by show’s end.
Things being rather different in 1968, the pair was awarded an all-expense-paid trip to ever-romantic Tijuana to watch the bullfights(!?)
Morris Walker states in his book that he believes this trip served as an enormous inspiration for Martin’s film The Three Amigos. Walker relates that the pair witnessed a very upsetting goring at the bullfight and afterwards took in a pornographic movie. It being 1968, porno movies were the kind of thing you’d have to go to Tijuana to see. Later, Marsha Walker confided to her brother that her and Steve’s previously platonic relationship was taken to the next level at the hotel in Tijuana. According to Walker, Steve Martin’s “performance between the sheets was as entertaining and fulfilling as his wild and crazy performances in front of the curtain, only without the white suit.”
Here’s Steve and Marsha getting one over on ‘The Dating Game’:
Although it’s being touted as mere prank video, I feel like this is more of a social experiment on how humans handle a brush with fame.
Actor Mark David Christenson, the winner of ZERO Oscars, walked around Hollywood Blvd. on the night of the Academy Awards wearing a tuxedo and holding a fake Oscar. While watching the video it was shocking to witness the amount of shit he got away with. No one really questioned him. They just went with it. He was holding an Oscar for pete’s sake so he must be legit, right? He even ended up with a “free” car.
I pretend to be a celebrity and walk around with a fake Oscar to see how people treat me. Pretending to be famous has its perks because it turns out people treat you like a real Oscar winner. You may have seen fake celebrity pranks and pretending to be famous before, but I think being a fake Oscar winner is the craziest prank of these yet!
There’s not really much to say about this. You just have to watch it. And weep.
In the years following the success of her memoir The Happy Hooker and the launch of its film franchise, Xaviera Hollander dabbled fairly widely in merchandising the “Happy Hooker” name. She can hardly be blamed, it’s such a catchy phrase that it’s been cheekily co-opted by everyone from crochet hobbyists to fishermen. Hollander has been involved in drama production, written a long-running advice column (and penned plenty of sex-advice books), and she even had a Happy Hooker board game.
Lest you think I was kidding about that, here you go.
Hollander produced a kitsch artifact holy grail with her 1973 LP Xaviera! It’s mostly a spoken-word album, with tracks featuring Hollander detailing her philosophies regarding sex generally and prostitution specifically. There are a few tracks that are basically dramatizations of trysts, but the real money-shot here (sorry) is Hollander’s bonkers cover of the Beatles’ classic “Michelle.” It’s been a mix-CD staple of mine since I found it years ago on April Winchell’s old MP3 page (it’s not on her current page, but don’t let that stop you from heading there anyway to revel in all the marvelously bizarre delights contained therein), and it could not be more out of place, either on that LP, or on planet freakin’ Earth.
I don’t want to mislead, this isn’t anything like full on Mrs. Miller-level self-deuded badness. But it’s still pretty out there, and bad in a way and to a degree that make it truly compelling. At no time is the song ever actually “sung”—it’s moaned in a breathy, overwrought “Happy Birthday Mr. President” way that often out-camps most intentional campifications of sexuality. And when the most famous prostitute on Earth moans “I want you, I want you, I WANT YOU,” should it not maybe feel more believable? Fittingly, the track ended up on the Golden Throats 4: Celebrities Butcher the Beatles compilation, and as far as I know, it would be another ten years before Hollander endeavored to sing on an LP again, for the Dutch-only release Happily Hooked. (See what I mean about that branding? That shit is durable.) And even on that album—or at least the part of it that my DM colleague Amber Frost found—she still basically just talks over music. Not that exceptional singing is the reason you listen to it anyway, it’s all in good fun.
One last trivia nugget for the trainspotters: the Xaviera! LP contains a “special guest” credit to the rockabilly pioneer Ronnie Hawkins, who, apart from his own musical contributions, assembled the musicians who would come to be known as The Band. Whether his guest appearance is as the guitar player on “Michelle,” or as a male voice in one of the performances, or both, I couldn’t say.