‘The Wig & Penis Open For Business’
04.10.2014
10:09 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
Penis
Banners
Wigs


 
When waterworks temporarily closed down a few streets in Truro, Cornwall, a pub named The Wig and Pen had a banner made to let folks know they were still open for business. Unfortunately, the person who made the banner didn’t leave enough space between “Pen” and “Is.” Since The Wig and Pen had already paid for the banner and needed to get something up right away, they hung it anyway. The banner has since been taken down.

Two great tastes that go great together: Wigs and penises!

Via Arbroath

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
Killdozer: greatest cover songs, or awesomest cover songs?
04.10.2014
07:57 am

Topics:
Amusing
Music

Tags:
Killdozer


 
Along with the likes of The Melvins and Big Black, Madison, WI’s Killdozer pointed the way in the ‘80s to the bludgeoning, sludgy, heavy-but-not-really-metal underground sound that would own half of the ‘90s, but one crucial thing set Killdozer apart from their contemporaries—they were fucking HILARIOUS. Bassist/vocalist/ringleader Michael Gerald’s demented growl “singing” could inspire menace or laughter at his whim. You-have-to-be-kidding-me album titles like Intellectuals Are the Shoeshine Boys of the Ruling Elite and Uncompromising War on Art Under the Dictatorship of the Proletariat, and songs like “Man Vs. Nature,” the lyrics to which were melodramatically declaimed plot synopses of Irwin Allen disaster movies, cemented their rep in some circles as a goof band, despite their dark social commentary and completely BRUTAL music.

(Tangent/rant: this isn’t necessarily about Killdozer in particular, it’s really more general, but anyway, I do not understand the oft-diminished stature, in much of hip/crit culture, of bands that employ humor. It’s a damn good bit more difficult to make me laugh than to make me angry, but generally it’s been the angsty bands that have been considered “important?” Screw that. I respect the funny. They have a harder job to do.)

Some of the finest expressions of Killdozer’s humor lay in the many, many, completely incongruous cover songs they recorded. They did TONS of this stuff. There’s a cover on all but one of their albums and EPs, and covers comprise a hefty share of their 7” b-sides and compilation tracks.
 

Run Through The Jungle by Killdozer on Grooveshark

“Run Through the Jungle,” orig. Creedence Clearwater Revival
 

I Am, I Said by Killdozer on Grooveshark

“I Am, I Said,” orig. Neil Diamond
 

Age of Aquarius / Let the Sun Shine In by Alice Donut and Killdozer on Grooveshark

“Age of Aquarius/Let the Sun Shine In,” with Alice Donut, orig. The 5th Dimension
 

Nasty by Killdozer on Grooveshark

“Nasty,” orig. Janet Jackson
 

 
Then, in 1989, what was surely inevitable happened: Killdozer released an entire covers album, For Ladies Only, which you’d think would have included the Steppenwolf song by that name. It did not. But it was still really, really nuts.
 

American Pie by Killdozer on Grooveshark

“American Pie,” orig. Don McLean
 

One Tin Soldier by Killdozer on Grooveshark

“One Tin Soldier,” orig. Coven
 

Funk #49 (James Gang cover) by Killdozer on Grooveshark

“Funk No. 49,” orig. The James Gang
 

 
This won my grin—YouTube user arfortiyef layered Killdozer’s take on “Hush” over the famous footage of Deep Purple performing it on Playboy After Dark.

 
Lastly, here’s my absolute favorite Killdozer cover—EMF’s “Unbelievable.” It was the flip side of the 7” of “The Pig Was Cool,” a killer song. This 1992 audience-cam footage isn’t much to look at, but the sound does the job just fine.
 

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Discussion
What a pact with the Devil (supposedly) looks like
04.09.2014
12:56 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Movies
Occult

Tags:
Satan
The Devils
Urbain Grandier

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Catholic priest Urbain Grandier was burned at the stake in 1634 for allegedly bewitching a convent full of nuns in the French town of Loudun. The accusation came about not because of what Grandier did, but rather because of what he didn’t do.

Grandier was a bit of a lad, a controversial churchman, who was known for having sexual relations with his female parishioners. He also questioned the validity of clerical celibacy and was often critical of the church and King Louis XIII. He was a bit of a “hip priest,” you might say with leanings towards the Left. However, all this was unimportant compared to the ire he inspired after ignoring the advances made to him by the horny Mother Superior, Sister Jeanne of the Angels, at the local Ursuline convent.

Sister Jeanne wanted Grandier for her own sexual gratification and hoped to snare the priest by offering him the position of spiritual director at the convent. When Grandier rejected Sister Jeanne’s advances, she planned his downfall. Sister Jeanne offered the position to Grandier’s rival and bitter enemy, Canon Mignon. Once appointed, Sister Jeanne and several other nuns accused Grandier of using Satan to send demons to seduce the convent.

After the nuns where brutally interrogated (described as being like “a rape in a public toilet”), Grandier was arrested, tortured and put on trial. However, he was acquitted.

On his release, Grandier made the mistake of attacking Cardinal Richelieu, who was King Louis XIII’s powerful First Minister. Richelieu ordered Grandier to be tried again, and although the nuns retracted or refused to give statements, new evidenced was “uncovered” and Grandier was again charged with witchcraft, tortured, and this time convicted and sentenced to death. It was a political decision, instigated by Richelieu to dispose of a troublesome and possibly dangerous priest.

During this second trial, the state prosecutor presented a document which was said to be proof of a pact between Grandier and the Devil.

The document was written sdrawkcab (backwards), sealed in blood, covered with various occult symbols, and signed by Grandier, a selection of demons, and Lucifer, himself:

We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Elimi, and Astaroth, together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Urbain Grandier, who is ours.

And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of virgins, the respect of monarchs, honors, lusts and powers.

He will go whoring three days long; the carousal will be dear to him.

He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the church and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years happy on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against God.

Bound in hell, in the council of demons.

Lucifer
Beelzebub
Satan
Astaroth
Leviathan
Elimi

The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.

Baalberith, writer.

You’d think if you were selling your soul to the Devil, you might ask for a “Get Out of Jail” card. But alas, poor old Grandier didn’t have that option, and died at the stake. But at least now we know what the Catholic Church believe a pact with the Devil looks like
 
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You may know this story if you’ve seen Ken Russell’s film The Devils, with Oliver Reed as Grandier, and Vanessa Redgrave as Sister Jeanne; or read the book, upon which the film is based, The Devils of Loudun by Aldous Huxley. If not, here’s the film’s trailer to tempt your very soul.
 

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
Cheesus Christ, the grater story ever told
04.09.2014
07:03 am

Topics:
Amusing
Food

Tags:
Jesus Christ
Cheese Grater


 
I have never once celebrated Easter. What I knew about it as a kid mostly boiled down to the Jewish tl;dr: Romans killed a Jew, then spent the next two millennia revering their victim and blaming his death on us, like an eternal sectarian version of a bully doing “stop hitting yourself.” This understanding of Easter did me zero favors, socially, at the predominately Italian public school I attended, but on that front, I was probably beyond help anyway.

But I do know this about Easter: to celebrate it, one MUST have the Cheesus Christ Cheese Grater.
 

 

 
Hell, I WANT ONE, and I’ve long since put my home through some brutal kitsch-purges. Sadly, it’s not contrived to make Jesus appear in your cheese, like the Virgin Mary Toaster. In fact, it’s functionality is limited rather sharply (only cheese pun, I promise) by the total lack of holes in much of the center so as not to obscure the redemptive and luminous visage of the Son Of Man—though honestly, if you told me it was a Bigfoot cheese grater, I wouldn’t look twice to check. The back of the packaging comes printed with this moving supplication:

Our Cheese in heaven, halloumi be your name.
Your tangy taste, we will not waste,
on Earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily brie.
Forgive us our stilton,
as we forgive those who stilton against us.
Lead us not into cheese slices, but deliver us from cheddar.
For the glory of the dairy, the curds and the whey are yours.
Now and forever.
Edam.

Fucking terrible, right? That’s OK, there will always be this:
 

 
Bless James Renner for letting me know about this, and the Good Lord Himself for helping me get through it without punning on the word “holy.”

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Discussion
‘Do not run’: Hints for straight college girls encountering lesbians, 1988
04.08.2014
09:52 am

Topics:
Amusing
Feminism
History
Queer

Tags:
lesbian


 
New York magazine’s music critic Jody Rosen posted this gem on his Twitter and added, “...priceless period piece unearthed yesterday by a friend packing for a move.”

 
Man, how times have changed since 1988. My favorite “hints” and tips are:

1.  Do not run from the room. This is rude.

2.  If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.

15. Do respect her Individuality. She is a lesbian, but she is also Mary, Pam and Lori…

h/t Gawker

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
Iceland has a penis museum, no biggie


 
The gift of a bull pizzle to Sigurdur Hjartarson in 1974 was the seminal event of a multi-generational Icelandic wang dynasty. Hjartarson’s cock collection grew impressively in size, climaxing with the 1997 consummation of the Icelandic Phallological Museum. Curation was taken over by the fruit of his loins, his son Hjörtur Gísli Sigurðsson, in 2011, the same year the museum moved from the northern fishing town of Húsavík to the capital Reykjavík, and made news for the acquisition of its first human specimen. Coincidence?
 

 

The Icelandic Phallological Museum contains a collection of more than two hundred and fifteen penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland. Visitors to the museum will encounter fifty six specimens belonging to seventeen different kinds of whale, one specimen taken from a rogue polar bear, thirty-six specimens belonging to seven different kinds of seal and walrus, and one hundred and fifteen specimens originating from twenty different kinds of land mammal: all in all, a total of two hundred and nine specimens belonging to forty six different kinds of mammal, including specimens from Homo Sapiens. It should be noted that the museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens. Besides there are some twenty-three folklore specimens and forty foreign ones. Altogether the collection contains more than 280 specimens from 93 different species of animals.

280 specimens may seem on the smallish side, but size of course doesn’t count for everything, right? Most of the collection comes from outside donors, the museum’s Honorary Members. But just like many an actual pork sword, the Icelandic Phallological Museum is a source of some confusion and frustration. The museum’s own about page says that this upstanding pillar of its community was founded in Húsavík and moved to Reykjavík, but several news articles say the opposite. Other articles (and the museum’s own web site) herald the 2011 endowment of a human specimen, while a forthcoming documentary film follows the preposterous race to become the first human donor. But coaxing out a load of hard facts isn’t my job here today. I’m really just here to show you gratuitous pictures of penises.
 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it ironic or appropriate that I was turned on to this by someone named “Pickles?” Just the tip of the hat to you, Marlee, and if you go, I want something from the gift shop.

Posted by Ron Kretsch | Discussion
Harry Potter: Messages to Lord Voldemort removed from Scottish graveyard
04.08.2014
05:55 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
Harry Potter
Greyfriar's Kirkyard

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A graveyard in Edinburgh has become the focus of Harry Potter fans, who believe the cemetery contains the final resting place of Potter’s nemesis, Lord Voldemort.

Every week hundreds of Potter fans (”often dressed as wizards”) leave messages at the grave of Thomas Riddell, esquire, a 19th century gentleman, who died in 1806, at the age of 72.

Riddell is buried in Greyfriar’s Kirkyard, which is best known for its association with “Greyfriar’s Bobby” the ever faithful dog that kept watch over his master’s grave for fourteen years, but now the graveyard is attracting Harry Potter enthusiasts from all over the world.

Fans believe Greyfriar’s was a source of inspiration to author J. K. Rowling, as it contains the graves of Thomas Riddell and world’s worst poet William McGonagall, whose names are associated with the characters Tom Riddell, aka Lord Voldemort, and Madam Professor Minerva McGonagall, the head of Gryffindor.
 
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Rowling wrote many of the Harry Potter books in the Elephant House Cafe, situated across from Greyfriar’s, and has said she regularly walked through its grounds. Of further interest to Potter fans is George Heriot’s School, which borders the graveyard, and is said to have been the basis for Hogwart’s.

Last year, the Edinburgh Evening News reported on the many Potter fans leaving messages, letters and cards to Lord Voldemort at Thomas Riddell’s grave:

The notes appear to have been left by people from all over the world. One says, “RIP Tom, thank you for making us all believe in magic. You are an inspiration.”

But not all visitors believe the magic, with one mean-spirited note saying: “Dear idiots, you know there’s a difference between fiction and reality, right?”

Councillor Richard Lewis, city convener for culture and sport, is welcoming of yet another addition to the city’s tourist trail. He said: “If Thomas Riddell’s gravestone draws more visitors to this already popular destination then it is to be welcomed”

Now, Edinburgh City Council has decided to remove all notes and letters out of respect the real Mr. Riddell and his family. Officials also say they wish to “preserve the appearance” of the graveyard.
 

 
Via Edinburgh Evening News
 

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
Hardcore health: Cro-Mags frontman’s juicing and smoothie advice
04.07.2014
01:19 pm

Topics:
Amusing
Food

Tags:
smoothies
juicing
Cro-Mags


 
Not only does Cro-Mags John Joseph McGowan show you how to juice properly, he delivers some “hardcore” smoothie-making tips for pr0n stars and flatulence.

I would rather live 70 years and thrive like a motherfucker then to live 100 years being fucking, you know, being sick all the time.

Of course, NSFW (or wear some headphones) as there are lot of F-bombs being dropped.

 
Via World’s Best Ever

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
‘Ralf And Florian’: The Kraftwerk sitcom
04.07.2014
09:48 am

Topics:
Amusing
Music

Tags:
Kraftwerk
sitcoms


 
When I think of Kraftwerk’s Ralf Hütter and Florian Schneider my mind immediately goes to comedy, right? The techy Teutonic twosome are a barrel of laughs. Like the early-80s American TV sitcom Bosom Buddies crossed with “Sprockets.” 

Just discovered in a Dusseldorf car boot sale is this rare pilot for the uncommissioned Kraftwerk sitcom, “Ralf and Florian.”

Shame it never made it, as Ralf Hutter has great comic timing and could have been the next Alf Garnet.

This is perhaps the funniest unfunniest thing you’ll see today.

Video by YouTuber Braces Tower.

 
Via WFMU

Posted by Tara McGinley | Discussion
Deer have close encounter with UFO
04.07.2014
08:10 am

Topics:
Amusing

Tags:
UFOs

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A Mississippi couple may have captured photographic evidence of a UFO on their infra-red trail cameras.

Edith and Rainer Shattles have trail cameras set up all around their 150-acre property in the Cumbest Bluff area of Jackson County, MS. Usually the cameras pick up images of deer, bugs, or nocturnal wildlife, but in February this year, the couple were shocked to discover footage of strange lights hovering above the trees.

The footage shows dim lights gradually appearing above the deer. The lights are high up, above ground level, and at an area where they is no road. The lights appear very bright, and then suddenly fly off.

Mr. Shattles isn’t convinced the footage shows a close encounter with extraterrestrials.

“Well, if it’s alien, I’m not sure about that. But it’s definitely a UFO. Now whether it’s a government drone or what, I wish if nothing else, one of them would step up and say, ‘Yes, that’s ours.’”

So far no extraterrestrials, Men in Black or government agency have owned up to it, and the deer are saying nothing.
 

 
Via Arbroath

Posted by Paul Gallagher | Discussion
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