Since it’s Monday, I guess we can post the speculative list of Jay-Z’s 99 problems by Brandon Scott Gorrell.

Here’s a snippet:

1. Fear of flying, near-panic and severe nausea during episodes of turbulence.
2. Unexplained bouts of insomnia.
3. During bouts of insomnia, genuine, hours-long experiences of fear/ despair that future plans will lead to irredeemable failure and chronic unhappiness, coupled with toxic analytical spirals that further exacerbate inability to sleep.
4. On Steve Jobs’ bad side when he passed away.
5. Random, unwelcome visual images of Beyonce performing oral sex on Kanye West, Kanye West having intercourse ‘doggy style’ with Beyonce, and, sometimes, Kanye West’s penis.
6. Growing addiction to Coke and Mountain Dew.
7. Worries about posture coupled with angst/ disdain for the fact that good posture is difficult to maintain.
8. Distress/ distaste about own uneven facial hair pattern.
Major losses of productivity due to recent near-obsessive consumption of cat videos.
9. Tired feelings of jealousy and resentment for Ryan Gosling; sharp, anxious desire to keep Beyonce away from him at all costs to prevent any possible affair (+ refusal to admit any of this to self).
10. Unwelcome, distracting, and time consuming psychic digressions and fantasizing concerning, for the most part, a girlfriend he had when he was 22 years old.
11. Unwanted resentment for Beyonce.
12. Worries re: porn addiction.
13. Drinking more than a glass of wine before bedtime disrupts normal sleeping patterns and causes waking around 3 a.m., after which insomnia will often ensue, often leading to problem described in (18).
14. Extreme fear of spiders.
15. Not enough alone time.

A Speculative List Of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems
 
Via Nerdcore