You may remember our post a while back on the 1994 classic, Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults. Well, well you can praise Internet Satan, because we’ve stumbled across another clip!

In this segment, our bemulleted expert guides us through what must be the most Satanic park in all the land, enlightening us as to the relationship between pagans and gay people, as well as the meaning of the “pentacle,” which I have deduced is his own portmanteau of “pentagram” and “testicle.”

I remember the collective delusion that was the Satanism panic of the 1980s and 90s. Victims of the murders attributed to the West Memphis Three were exactly my age, and while that heartbreaking miscarriage of justice still confirms the dangers of reactionary superstition, I can’t help but feel a little (not so) “true crime” nostalgic watching this dumb weirdo walk us through incredibly heavy-handed “evidence” of Satanism in our very public parks (where the children play!)

This was before planes hit buildings, before wealth inequality soared to record-breaking heights, and our wars weren’t yet fought by (horrifyingly indiscriminate) flying death bots. Millennials are often accused of affecting nostalgia before acquiring the years necessary for proper wistfulness. I understand that irritation, (a lot of those clothes were horrifying the first time around), but who can blame us when we long for a simpler time, when the things we were scared of weren’t even real?

So let’s watch the funny video below, and get a little shamelessly sentimental, shall we?

Say it with me now: HAIL SATAN!
 

 
Previously on Dangerous Minds:
Sympathy for the Devil: The Truth about Satanism in America (NSFW)

“@mtvnews: Beyoncé, Rihanna & Katy Perry send prayers to #Oklahoma #PrayForOklahoma”I feel like an idiot now…I only sent money.

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) May 21, 2013

 
Right on, Ricky!

 
Described by barney75f7u12 as ‘Probably the most inspiring thing I’ve ever found on Reddit.’

Another version was previously released without the figure in the “Guy Fawkes” mask.
 
Via Reddit
 

 
Who listens to this douchenozzle, anyway? I can’t believe this man still has an audience. Are they just too old and feeble-minded to know how to use a TV remote? What gives?

Here’s former Southern Baptist minister Pat Robertson giving advice to a woman whose husband cheated on her. He tells her “he’s a man” and to “make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.”

 
Now here’s Pat giving advice on what to do if your wife suffers from Alzheimer’s disease: Divorce her.

 
Mighty Christian of ya, Pat!

Via Christian Nightmares

 
Street interviews conducted by Travis Nuckolls and Chris Baker in Colorado, Springs where people were asked “When did you choose to be straight?”

It’s interesting to watch—you can tell by their expressions, naturally—how viscerally taken aback some of these folks are by the question.

 
h/t Brian Morales

 
This kid deserves a medal for sticking up for what’s right and what’s wrong with America’s educational system. Good for you, dude with the nice hair.

According to an alleged fellow student in the YouTube comments, the young man in the video was seen getting high-fives after school.

 
Via reddit

 
Recall that supposed Creationist “science quiz” that was going around on reddit and Facebook last month? The one that most people branded as a fake because it just seemed too stupid to be real?

Well, it turns out that it IS true… no, not the literal belief in Noah’s Ark part, but this “science quiz” WAS actually given to 4th graders in the Blueridge Christian Academy of Greenville, South Carolina, as the urban legend detectives at Snopes.com found out. The actual father of the child whose test was on reddit wrote in to quiet the naysayers asserting that the quiz did indeed belong to his 10-year-old daughter, and offering as proof a shot of the backside of the quiz:

I didn’t know that this was being taught to her until we heard a radio commercial together about the Discover the Dinosaurs exhibit was coming to the TD Convention Center [in Greenville, South Carolina].

The Commercial starts out, “After 65 million years, the dinosaurs have returned ...” She commented immediately that it was only four thousand years ago.  When I corrected her, she snapped back, “Were you there?”

I have since taught my daughter differently, but I am sure she is confused now and plan to make sure she understands that teachers are people too and can be factually wrong.

The test showed up [at] home a day later to my disgust.

It’s a great school for Reading, Writing and Math.  She is ahead of most of her peers and also is taking Latin there. But I now know to be vigilant for the rest of the year about her science teachings.

She will not be attending the school next year.

Religion, an organized system of ignorance!

Read the rest at Snopes, including the back side of the test.

 
Is the School House the Proper Place to Teach Raw Sex?, written by Gordon V. Drake in 1968, was a Christian conservative pamphlet against teaching sex education in public schools.

What gets me is the “raw” part. It kind of has a porny title, right?

Via Christian Nightmares

 
This is the only time I think one of the Westboro Baptist Church’s protests should be televised.

Which of your idols will God kill next?Yesterday Chris Kelly #kriskrossToday Jeff Hanneman #Slayer#PicketFunerals twitter.com/WBCSays/status…

— Westboro Baptist (@WBCSays) May 2, 2013

This should be interesting…
 
Via reddit

 
Dammit Catholics, you were having a such a good year! You got rid of that ex-Nazi Pope, and the new one is apparently even good at Twitter! Not a clean slate, mind you, but you had an opportunity to go a different direction. And what do you do? You do this!

Stick to your strengths! What about liberation theology, the Catholic Workers, or some more of that awesome stained glass, huh? You cannot make religion look cool. You just can’t and you should stop trying.

This ad just embarrasses everyone and drags your numero son o’ god deity through the dirt. Leave well enough alone! Take Satan, for example. He used to be pretty cool, right, then a bunch of metalheads had to take it one step too far and make a ‘church.’ Now all you associate with Satan is a bunch of sad guys who know a lot about Mercyful Fate, but still long to touch a boob for the very first time. This is the same thing on the opposite end of the deity spectrum. No really, it is.

A cartoon skateboarding rabbit told me to stay off drugs when I was in gradeschool. The abstinence-only education of my high school wrapped in some sort of peripheral hip-hop signifiers! This campaign makes those campaigns look look like the subliminal messaging in They Live.

Via Animal